This is a list of Christmas songs. This list is an antidote to people who think the intersection of Christmas and rock music begins with “Jingle Bell Rock” and ends with “Run, Run Rudolph”. This is a list of bands that you know - and might even care about - either chiming in with their own particular contribution to the Christmas canon, or, in a two cases, mangling a done-to-death Christmas classic beyond recognition. This is a list which hopefully assuages those for whom one more spin of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” may represent the last straw, inaugurating a hellish tailspin of holiday violence. This list may even save lives. So without any further ado:

10. The Magnetic Fields - “Mr. Mistletoe”

Typically depressing, creaky fare from Stephen Merritt & Co. Merritt, or a narrator, gets jilted by a wintertime lover, and wanders around in the snow going all woe-is-me. Sample lyrics: “Oh, Mr. Mistletoe/go find your tree/didn’t you know/there’s no Christmas for me?” It’s not all bad, though. It’s a catchy melody, even if it does plod by for three minutes, and the band conjures up a wonderfully hazy, gauzy sound that’s pretty much the aural equivalent of falling snow.

9. Roy Orbison - “Pretty Paper”

Roy Orbison has one of those kind of voices. The kind where he could sing the phone book into a tin can on a string and still make it sound amazing. This song isn’t really one of Orbison’s strongest writing efforts, nor does the Christmas spirit really hang terribly heavy over this one (it’s more of a passing mention), but the ultra-corny backup choir intro and strong vocal performance from the big O definitely make this one worth a listen, even if it comes near the bottom of the list.

8. Yo La Tengo - “Rock N’ Roll Santa”

Coming in at the extremely symbolic number eight (as in days of Hanukkah), is Hoboken, NJ’s Yo La Tengo. And although lead guitarist/songwriter Ira Kaplan is Jewish, he wrote and recorded an entire EP’s worth of Christmas songs, aptly titled Merry Christmas from Yo La Tengo. This one’s a pretty simple punk tune, kicking off with a ripping guitar solo that’s a quote from “Jingle Bells”; drummer Georgia Hubley provides a gentle, mumbly Mo Tucker-style vocal (which has a recurring line about a “house on fire” that is nearly indecipherable). It cuts a nice contrast to Kaplan’s raunchy playing, which scores big with its kick-ass middle-eight guitar solo with Hubley lazily chanting: “Go, Santa, go! Go, Santa, go!”

7. Vince Guaraldi Trio - “Christmastime is Here (Instrumental)”

Objection sustained. This isn’t really a rock song–it’s jazz. And it’s not terribly groundbreaking jazz. In fact, most people remember this song less for its own musical merits than from its prominent role in the film A Charlie Brown Christmas. In fact, this might actually be one of those Christmas songs that makes people want to whisk the proverbial football out from under the rest of humanity. Why is it on the list, then? Because this song’s inclusion in The Royal Tenenbaums, during the scene where Margot Tenenbaum packs up her few belongings into a taxi, has given this tired Christmas tune a new life.

Having seen the movie, it’s pretty much impossible to think about this song without immediately seeing about Gwynneth Paltrow climbing into a beat-up Gypsy cab with a hat box on her lap, all but tearing out Bill Murray’s heart while Dudley, his neurological experiment, looks on. And although it’s hardly a rock classic, “Christmastime is Here” finds itself in such good company on the Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack, alongside the likes of “Stephanie Says”, “Jeannie is a Punk”, and “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard”, that it just about qualifies as one. And really, if you’re lame enough to use a phrase like “indie cred,” I don’t think you can disagree.

6. Bright Eyes - “Silent Night”

Sticking to what he knows, Bright Eyes’ Conor Oberst takes one of the better songs in the Christmas carol book, a peaceful German-language Nativity ode, and turns it into yet more Saddle Creek Records tears-in-yer-beer-if-you-weren’t-straightedge alt/country dreck. Oberst brings on the Christmas melodrama, his voice shaking like a flag on a pole, supported only by a spooky theremin, some requisite pedal steel, and a Depeche Mode-style drum loop. And although this version does capture the solemnity in the song that your mom’s church choir fails to notice every year, its presence on this list is 95% due to comedy value.

5. The Cocteau Twins - “Frosty the Snowman”

Seriously. If the Bright Eyes was worth a giggle, this one is a straight-up belly laugh. Plagued by Phil Collins drum sounds, tinny digital piano, and some ’80’s-approved, echoey guitar parts, 4AD recluses The Cocteau Twins absolutely butcher this tired kids’ classic. In a rare moment, vocalist Liz Frazier lets it all hang out and actually sings this song in English instead of her trademark gibberish. Five points to anyone who makes it through all 2:55.

4. The Ramones - “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”

It’s 1989. The Ramones are recording Brain Drain–possibly their most disappointing album–and Joey Ramone is hurting for material. Resting on his laurels as the ultimate topical songwriter (at least concerning major world issues like glue-sniffing and the KKK taking one’s baby away), Joey Ramone (born Jeffry Herschel) thought that, despite the fact that he was Jewish, what Brain Drain really needed was a Christmas song. The results are pretty good–classic 4/4 drums, chunky guitar chords, and sleigh bells support a solid vocal performance, and even though the lyrics are pretty innocuous (except for maybe the slightly menacing “I love you/you love me/and that’s the way it has to be”), “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” would up being Brain Drain’s one saving grace. Trivia: if one were to listen to the entire Ramones discography in order, this would be the final song featuring founding bassist Dee Dee Ramone.

3. Tom Waits - “Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis”

Hailing from the days before Tom Waits had ever heard of Bertold Brecht, “Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” clocks in at the coveted number three spot on the list on account of its minimal Christmas content and great lyrics. True enough, Waits hasn’t got the voice down yet, sounding more like Rowlph the Dog from the Muppet Band than himself, and the music is missing the signature broken-music-box twist that Waits would later be famous for, but it’s really hard to argue with a Christmas song whose first lines are: “Charly, I’m pregnant/and living on 9th Street/above a dirty bookstore.” The song is packed with great lines, some funny, some just great–but the best part is the trick ending.  For the Waits fanatic on your list, try and find a copy of the rare Burma Shave DVD, featuring a performance of this song that kicks off with a hilarious take on “Silent Night”.

2. Fear - “Fuck Christmas”

Right around December 23rd, there’s a growing contingency who are about to bloody their hands the next time they hear “Sleigh Ride” - and this song is dedicated to them. Starting out with a hair-metal informed parody of Band Aid’s “Don’t they Know It’s Christmas?”, Lee Ving and friends keep the charade going for a good thirty seconds (which is a full two-thirds of this 40-second helping of Christmas piss and vinegar) until “little children on the street/hope they get something good to eat” get smashed onto an unrhymed couplet of “but for me it’s not so great/fuck Christmas!/fuck Christmas!” and an all-out punk squall of war on earth and ill will towards men.

1. The Pogues - “Fairytale of New York”

For those who wish to celebrate the Christmas season with song, but aren’t willing to sacrifice their dignity to another chorus of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, The Pogues’ 1987 “Fairytale of New York” is the clear choice for ringing in the season with a duet. Arguably containing the best opening line of this entire collection (”it was Christmas Eve, babe/in the drunk tank”), it’s thankfully the only duet on the list, telling the story of two Irish immigrants who win the lottery, move to New York City, and subsequently break up and then curse the other for ruining their dreams. Opening up with a solemn after-hours piano, but quickly ramping up into a full-on punk jig, and then a pensive coda, “Fairytale of New York” tears through a great set of lyrics, rife with lyrics like “you’re a bum, you’re a punk/you’re an old slut on junk/lying there almost dead/on a drip in that bed”, the likes of which only Shane McGowan could think to put in a Christmas song.

With great lyrics, a hilarious premise, and more tough-guy-on-the-verge-of-tears appeal than any other Christmas song (hell, even any other Pogues song), there’s no better way to celebrate Christmas than with “Fairytale of New York.” Points are also given for the fact that this song is exactly the perfect tempo to swing a heavy mug of Christmas cheer and drunkenly sing along–which is exactly what Shane McGowan would want.

So, maybe it was it was an unorthodox list. There was a jazz song, a song that actually doesn’t contain a single line about Christmas, and two songs by Jewish rock icons. But really, who’s counting–on a holiday invented by Romans 300-years after the fact, to appease the masses who missed their pagan wintertime festival? Who’s counting - on a holiday that marks the virgin birth of the son of a deity into a barnyard food trough? Who’s counting - on a day that was still a regular working day in Scotland until 1967? Christmas is a weird holiday. But that’s no excuse for celebrating it with bad music.

Categories: CoS Exclusive Features, Features, List 'Em Carefully
Tags: Bright Eyes, Christmas, Fear, Roy Orbison, The Cocteau Twins, The Magnetic Fields, The Pogues, The Ramones, Tom Waits, Vince Guaraldi Trio, Yo La Tengo