It’s difficult to explain why opposites attract. Paula Abdul took a stab at it in 1989 opposite an animated cat [MC Skat Kat] and briefly opened America’s eyes in embracing unlikely pairs. Still, there’s a certain collective reluctant to fully endorse the joining of two differing entities, especially when each party’s particular attributes clash in utter abundance.

Yin and yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole.* In other words, a living, breathing oxymoron. Speaking of which, Mötley Crüe bassist Nikki Sixx has recently gone on record expressing endearing interest in collaborating with American Idol winner/Country Music super-star Carrie Underwood.

Stop laughing. Stop rolling your eyes. This is verified, serious information.

Ever since Underwood’s unabashed cover of the Crüe’s “Home Sweet Home” for American Idol, rumors have circulated regarding the authenticity of Underwood’s love of the world’s most decadent band. How could this be? This is a young woman who makes Dr. Joyce Brothers look like the lead singer of Slayer. Is she really a Crüe fan, or do publicity stunts reign supreme?

Let’s do the math: The 2004 American Idol winner is a PETA-endorsed vegetarian whose wholesome image winners her legions of new Country fans everyday. She’s recently earned Country Music’s most coveted title as “Entertainer of the Year,” an award dominated by men since it’s 1967 inception** Her incessant support of the U.S. Military, and her Baptist Faith have won over both sides of the political spectrum as she’s quickly become a young woman who’s impossible to loathe.

Motley Crüe is widely regarded as “the world’s most notorious rock band.” Its drummer has Hepatitis-C. Its bass player has been legally dead for two minutes. Its lead guitarist looks like a Tim Burton character brought to life by unearthly amounts of animated electricity. Lead singer Vince Neil is a cross between an underachieving Soprano and a spokesperson for the overuse of tanning beds the world over. He’s also gone under the knife for a VH-1-based reality show about the resurgence of a faded Rock Star. Oh, he also ran someone over with a car. That said person is now six feet under the ground.

I guess the question to be posed here is a well-thought out, bluntly delivered assertion of doubt: Really?

The winner here is obvious, and the loser is equally conspicuous. Carrie Underwood’s image is cleaner than a fully recovered junkie, and yet she insists on teaming up with a band whose greatest sonic effort was entitled, “Dr. Feelgood.” Doesn’t her staunchly religious upbringing require her to engage in activities that exclude pleasure? She’s still a bachelorette. As an unmarried young woman, aren’t her pursuits supposed to include only virginal activities? It’s difficult to image any member of Motley Crüe having ever been virgins.

What can be gained from this temporary union? For The Crüe, one whole hell of a lot. They’ll have been given a second chance by thousands (ahem, okay, millions) of fans that have likely turned their back on the 1980s like the rest of us.

Hair Metal is to Gospel… Drugs are to Holy Wine… Infected Blood is to Purity… Which of these word associations would be placed on a SAT test? More like an “STD test.”

Chances are this “attraction of opposites” will be a lucrative endeavor. Everything Carrie Underwood has touched since her Idol victory has turned to gold. She hasn’t missed yet, and her career’s a long way from cooling off, but this PR-move is rife with systematic miscalculations. But, this certainly won’t help her ascent-ion… Have you ever looked directly into Mick Mars’ lifeless eyes? I hear that if you do so for more than seven seconds, you are sent directly to Hell (and you’ll wake up with track marks, and a depleted liver), no questions asked.

Maybe Underwood should have taken advice from her most notorious Idol-judge, and merely appeared in a video with the aging MC Skat Kat. Country music superstars are far more likely to serenade animated creatures than team up with drug-addled, heavily made-up male versions of Liza Minelli.

As it should be.

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* - thanks Wikipedia

** - The only other female award-winner were Loretta Lynn [1972], Dolly Parton [1978], Barbara Mandrell [1980, ‘81], Reba McEntire [1986], Shania Twain [1999], and The Dixie Chicks [2000]

Categories: Features, The Dago Dish
Tags: American Idol, Carrie Underwood, Dago Dish, Motley Crue