The Dago Dish: Will the Real Jonas Brothers [Please] Stand Up?
![The Dago Dish: Will the Real Jonas Brothers [Please] Stand Up?](http://consequenceofsound.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/thedagodish175x175.jpg)
I have nothing against The Jonas Brothers. They seem like nice young men. A bit on the “contrived” side if you ask me, but Disney is a proven juggernaut of carefully articulated creation. The Brothers’ very existence has probably been proven relevant by a slew of highly educated “target-market-examiners” whose very livelihood depends on their uncanny abilities to understand how to get through to tweens the world over.
But back to the Brothers Jonas. These kids are rich, famous, highly sought after, and [vexingly] grounded. They are confessed followers of Jesus Christ, sworn virgins, and well-manicured fashion-kings of the 12-18 year-old set. Brilliant. But, what do they do once they find it necessary to shave everyday? Do they have plans for the future? It’s true they wear “purity rings” to represent their willful allegiance to abstinence, but what happens when the hormones outweigh the pledge?
This will likely never happen, as each brother seems quite insistent that his plight is hardly a media ploy. These dudes aren’t three male Brittney Spears clones who we’ve been tricked into believing are the
best representations of the few remaining squeaky-clean youths in America.
Are they?
This calls into the question of “What if?” What if our nation’s youth has been fooled again into believing their heroes are truly “true,” and are in fact speed-metal-loving, poon-chasing, booze-guzzling acid heads whose faith in the demonic antics of Metallica [circa 1986, before their of their respective births] outweighs their belief in Jesus Christ? I realize this is like barking up a tree that doesn’t house a feline, but it’s fun to speculate, right?
Imagine is Joe’s hair-straightener is actually his mistress whose relationship to Joe is kept secret from her pimp for fear both of them would be “offed” if their secret got out.
Could you imagine the worldwide shock that would ensue if Paul turned out to be a 37-year-old session guitarist whose lust for “younger women” drove him to fool the entire universe that he was actually a mind-mannered, barely-legal axe-wielding aficionado whose distaste for the Satanic undertones in Black Sabbath’s music was a complete lie?
Would we be able to handle a world in which Nick, the youngest Jonas brother, had a voice so unspectacular, he made Ashley Simpson look like a sonically beatific concoction of Joan Baez, Celene Dion, and the real voices behind the blasphemous scam that was Milli Vinilli?
These are the questions that circulate in the backs of the minds of Disney’s higher-ups. Rest assured. They had better cash in their chips before the real Jonas Brothers step out from the shadows their angelically marketed selves have cast upon them.
New Kids On The Block didn’t have any real staying power (despite their recent insistence to release a “come back” record), but let’s face it, we preferred their backstage party-stories to the comparatively tame tales of the Jonas’ brothers frolic in the park with former first lady Laura Bush, right?
Right?
What we’re doing by giving our children The Jonas Brothers, is we’re giving them the wrong idea. Rock n’ roll is supposed to be dangerous. Sound dangerous. Feel dangerous. Have you listened to their music? Honestly, they have decent hooks, but it’s scary how quickly you feel yourself being lured to the “good side.” It’s like a hyper-Religious Jedi-mind trick Joe, Nick, and Paul craftily sling at their listeners.
It’s almost as if you become temporarily convinced a life could be fulfilled by having a sole sexual partner. For those of you who believe this, a.) I apologize, b.) it’s likely we have little to nothing in common, and c.) you probably shouldn’t’ read on.
I grew up watching my father parade around the duplex shredding a mean, mean air guitar salute to AC/DC, Zeppelin, and The Who. My mom occasionally showcased her shockingly accurate Grace Click impersonations a they serenaded the neighborhood from our kitchen as we slung together two-dozen Christmas cookies for our like-minded, rock-n’-roll-adoring downstairs neighbors.
Had I been raised by Disney’s rendition of what a rock n’ roll band should be “about,” I would be an entirely different person. Chances are I’d already be married, and sitting across the table from my vacant-stare-donning wife as we collectively tried to avoid making any relative attempts at dry conversation.
I certainly hope we’re being fooled, and the real Jonas Brothers [please] stand up, and rock out with their c*&^s out, because it’s hardly frivolous to ask if they even have these unmentionable appendages. Why would they need them? How different are they from Ken Dolls who can shred?
Asking rhetorical questions ain’t so admirable, but it’s better than sitting through a four second of Camp Rock. May these brother’s creators careers continue to flourish? May I be forced to eat my own words by a legion of adoring Jonas fans? Stay tuned.
Could this be what we’re not seeing?
holaa!!! solo qeriia decir que adoro a los jonas brothers y les tengo sobre todo un especial cariño a 2 de elloss!! oss qiieroo jonassss!!!
xD
Haha, Harry wins.
I agree. Rock and roll is a music genre. It has nothing to do with “danger”, necessarily…it has to do with moving you to lose yourself in whatever for a while, like all music. No?
Rock has a ton of subdivisions…
And The Jonas Brothers are kinda bubblegum, garage, soul, pop rock. Like anything awesome off the Nuggets of the 70s boxed set. Sorry if you have a problem with that. I sure don’t.
Their marketing…well, that’s an issue for another day. They were a credible band touring for a couple of years before Disney began to consume and digest them…they are doing a surprisingly effective job at surviving the process that they were too naive to know they were getting into. They’ll be fine in the future.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a “Paul Jonas”, unless i missed some joke
25+ points for Dan
The only thing lamer than rapid-fire pop culture references so obscure that the only people who would understand what they mean are the ones who watch Bravo reality TV shows religiously and spend their weekends reading Wikipedia articles about the cast of JAG is me.
The only thing lamer than Jimmy Wing from Palatine Records is Pip farting on a snare drum.
The only thing lamer than Benjamin Cain from Oliver Communications is Russell Finley, his best producer.
The only thing lamer than The Jonas Brothers’ supposed con-artistry is the fact people can post idiotic comments (like this one) on the internet without a face much like in V For Vendetta only instead of a totalitarian government trying to overthrow its people from day 1 with Hugo Weaving as the main protagonist which is a Shakespearean word for those “elite” people who like to criticize people for not using the English language correctly while using words like “lol” and “a/s/l” and posting it onto outdated Geocities Websites and Angelfire stuff that’s non-existent past 2002 when all the nu-metal bands started dying off after Limp Bizkit peaked with Significant Other and Woodstock 1999 happened.
Chris…go home.
The Jonas Brothers are another manicured tween pop act that every generation has to swallow, only this (along with Aly & AJ) is backed by Disney (don’t forget to feed Walt the Android his Cuban immigrant delicacies).
We deal and we move along, but this is a nice little romp through funny conspiracy theories - oh so very entertaining.
PS - “The only thing lamer than a glamorized pop star is a formerly glamorized child star in denial.”
My only criticism of this article is your suggestion that what these boys do amounts to “shredding” and makes them “aficionados”. Not yet. Not by a mile. Don’t get me wrong: I too was a child who bought into teen-marketing back when and still cringe at the occasional memory of some by-gone pop-star of the week. I have no scorn for these boys because frankly they’re too innocuous to care much about.
However, hyperbolic discussion of their skills and contributions to this point actually, I think, defeats the rather fun frolic through your fantasy.
So: Are they playing and composing with less finesse and artistry than they are capable of? Just to help the ruse along?
The only thing lamer than Stanley Chioski is Stanley Morris.
The only thing lamer than chris is….. yeah I got nothing haha.
The only thing lamer than coming up with things that are lamer than others is saying that “the only thing lamer than coming up with things that are lamer than others,” twice in the same “sentence.”
The only thing lamer than Screech’s post-Bayside “career” is [post-rehab] Tom Siezmore’s Saturday night plans…
The only thing lamer than John Mayer’s “fashion sense” is a person who “sort of hated” The Godfather.
Oo, I like this game.
The only thing lamer than Patrick Duffy is Dee Wallace Stone.
Ugh. I suck.
The only thing lamer than a person bitching is a person bitching because he doesn’t have a sense of humor.
You’re right. Having fun in a “journalist” sense should be a highly-admonished practice. While I appreciate your sentiments, I encourage you to develop a sense of humor. I used to be a jaded young deliverer of sharp, critical backlash, and then I began to laugh at things I’d otherwise take more seriously than an LSAT.
Creating a “bizzaro” [to borrow a Seinfeld-ism; A funny show you should watch] world in which The Jonas Brothers are actually interesting con-men may not be for you, and that’s cool. But my calling “Rock and Roll” a genre that needs to be “dangerous” is a giant poke of fun at the very people who take this form of music as seriously as you felt I was. I realize it’s silly to “defend” your own writing, because everyone’s opinion is their right, but I apologize for sounding like an Americanized Gallagher brother trying to force-feed readers my “take” on why Rock and Roll is the greatest, most symbolic art-form in the history of the world.
I’m also sorry I misspelled “Rock’n'Roll,” by entitling the genre as “Rock and Roll.” Your method is far more hip. Can I use it?
Harry Callahan? Detective? Say it ain’t so!
The only thing lamer than the Jonas Brothers is someone writing about how rock’n'roll should feel.