Who says funerals have to be depressing? The only thing that’s gonna be sad about my funeral is the fact that I won’t be there to hit on all the fine women that are gonna show up. Seriously, there’s gonna be so many hot sluts dressed in black at my funeral it’s gonna look like they’re casting the Lydia Deetz role for a Beetlejuice remake.

Your funeral is the end of the film of your life. You definitely need a great song to play over the credits. A song to prove to your friends and enemies alike that your life ruled beyond anything they can ever imagine. I choose Led Zeppelin’s “When The Levee Breaks”, cause it’s loud and heavy and will let everyone know I’ve gone on to Valhalla to rest with the chosen dead for all eternity. I want the pallbearers to walk my coffin out slowly to the fat beat that opens “Levee”. Those mother fuckers are gonna be sweating profusely, and not just cause my coffin will be weighed down with my most favored worldly possessions (Seinfeld DVD’s, mint copies of Hustler, etc.), but also because I plan to be buried on the warmest day of the year (regardless of when I’ve died), in a funeral home with no air conditioning. If it’s too hot, take your shirt off.

All the fine ladies are cryin’ now, cause that mean old levee taught ‘em to weep and moan.  I may even have taught a few of them myself. But they saved all those sweet tears for my funeral, and the only tragedy is I won’t be around to dry their pretty eyes. Cause I’m goin’ down, I’m goin’ down now…

-Hutch Harris