It’s safe to say we see more advertising in this nation than anything else. All along the scenic highways of America lie billboards advertising the most pointless products. There is product placement in every subway station, on every bus, radio station, plane, in airports, in bars, in schools, and, of course, on television. We see commercials constantly. Every day we see ads for all the random shit we buy (and, in some cases, need) and some of those commercials stay with us forever. As sad as that is…why is that?
Well, one reason is the music. While this seems like a harmless gimmick, I think it is downright evil. The most amazing quality of music is the sensory revolution that allows songs to get embedded in your memory. Tunes can be playing on loop and repeat for days (if not years) in your head. Tim Robbins’ character in The Shawshank Redemption understood that one, but he was singing Mozart in his head, and not a song about fast food.
Commercial jingles are a major industry in this country, and, quite frankly, I think I should try getting a job in that field. The songs are short, catchy, and lyrically stupid. I could make a killing. Without further adieu, I give you a compilation of some of the catchiest yet worst jingles ever, all of which have been embedded in my mind for years. Ironically, I may not even endorse these products…but I’ll always remember the songs.
McDonald’s – “You Deserve a Break Today”
The best place to start off with is McDonald’s. Before McDonald’s had jingles like “I’m Loving it” and “You Get More for Your Money”, they had a commercial that was a borderline Disney sing-a-long. “You Deserve a Break Today” was one of the most well received commercials in advertising history. While it was rumored to be written by Barry Manilow, it was actually written by two guys named Kevin Gavin and Sid Woloshin, whose names on Google bring up nothing but McDonald’s credit. Their song is also available in a beautiful R & B version, which is more retro than anything else I have ever seen from the evil French fry clown.
“You Deserve a Break Today” was a national sensation back in the 1970s, and made this multi-billion dollar machine look like the happiest place to eat on Earth. I mean, just look how happy everyone is as they mop, grill, and serve…all things that don’t tend to make your average employee happy. We all know today that when we deserve a break, it isn’t with a Big Mac, but at least we can still sing the song at work when it’s time to clock out (I know I always do).
Dr. Pepper – “I’m a Pepper”
The 70s seemed to be a good time for quality jingles, because this next one was also a national sensation. Sometime ago, Dr. Pepper prescribed the nation the song, “I’m a Pepper”. In this song, a guy with a really bad haircut and McLovin vest leads the townsfolk in song as he tells us to join his “original crowd” and “be a pepper too.” I’m not buying it, though. This guy is a creep. In fact, he starts off by telling a group of children to follow him and his sick cult of peppers. Not to mention he walks like a jackass. Everyone breaks out into spontaneous dancing as he informs us, “I’m a pepper/He’s a pepper/She’s a pepper/Wouldn’t you like to be a pepper too?” Camera zooms out and we all suddenly want to be a pepper and drink the beverage. I just want to listen to that song some more, so maybe, just maybe, it will get the fuck out of my head.
Aretha Franklin – “Joy of Pepsi”
Soft drinks have always been on point with their advertising. Ever notice this? Pepsi is by far the most ahead of the game. Whether they get Britney Spears to dance through the decades, or they get a bunch of Queen look-a-likes to sing a Mountain Dew-themed parody of “Bohemian Rhapsody”, they always have me singing their songs. The reason Pepsi is so on point with their advertising is this….they are the drink of the “next generation.” With that in mind, Pepsi has always tried to be flashier, hipper, and catchier with songs than everybody else. By far, the most successful Pepsi song, at least while I’ve been alive, has been “The Joy of Cola”. Usually, these commercials involved an adorable, curly-haired girl (who may or may not have looked like Linda Blair). However, she seemed possessed by the spirits of Italian mobsters and Aretha Franklin, among others. Various stars also sang the song such as Spears, KISS, and Franklin herself. The joy of Pepsi on my tongue is something I still appreciate, but the constant playing of “Bah bah bah bah” and image of a creepy girl in my head as I drink it is not.
Oingo Boingo – “This Bud’s For You”
Alcohol is never in any way different; despite the fact minors can’t endorse it. My brother could sing an entire Southern Comfort ad at the age of nine. And when a media exec spoke to my fourth grade class, he sang “Tap the Rockies,” and we immediately responded with a loud, “Coors Light!” Budweiser had by far the best and most successful ad campaign some time ago. Their song, “This Bud’s for You”, has been played in numerous styles, including one rendition by Oingo Boingo, which is arguably better than any music video from the ’80s, only because it proudly promotes beer. Two window washers discover this Oingo Boingo party and when the Budweiser plane arrives on the scene, with a large bottle attached to it, you know you have every reason to be stoked (or ashamed that this generated several bellies). The late 1999 version was equally as catchy, but with less jarring visuals, and made Budweiser the beer for us common folk. Damn you, Budweiser, for your catchy songs, eye-popping visual aid, and my drinking problem.
Andrew W.K. – “Give Me a Break”
The only thing better than drinking, though, is eating. Food advertisements (other than fast food) are so enticing to me, and when I find myself craving the product I just witnessed being enjoyed by celebrities and shitty actors, I have an understanding of how advertising works. However, it’s even worse when I crave food and then have an obnoxious song stuck in my head, complete with visuals of somebody sincerely enjoying a tasty morsel. I don’t think any jingle of my generation will be able to top Kit Kat’s. Those bastards have been asking for a break for well over a decade now, and yet somehow, The Office’sAndy Bernard can’t seem to get the song right. While several renditions of this song have been created over the years, none of them got stuck in my head worse than the Andrew W.K. version, which features a news team enjoying their commercial break with spontaneous dancing. That doesn’t seem like a break to me at all. But something about the use of keyboards causes songs to cling to my brain (see: MGMT – “Kids”).
Crossfire
Speaking of keyboards….check out this rendition of my all time favorite commercial jingle ever on piano, which I continue to sing nowadays only to annoy co-workers and people I don’t like.
I’m sure anybody over the age of 30 will not be familiar with the commercial for Crossfire, a board game in which you lost all the pieces to upon opening it (and a game that I once found for almost a 100 bucks on eBay). Crossfire was a stupid game that was only fun for a couple of tries, namely because the game was like a sub-par version of air hockey. The only reason this game ever comes up in discussion nowadays is because of its hilarious commercial and epic jingle. It includes two pint-sized baddies, both rocking leather jackets, who fly into a fiery arena. The game descends from the sky and (somehow) the kids play it as it hovers in midair, all while the hilariously cheesy 90′s track blares over the sound of the game. When one player finally loses, the music swells, a high-pitched voice sings “CROSS FIIIIIRRRREEE!” and the other boy vanishes. This was one game I didn’t want to get caught up in, but I sure got caught up in the damn song.
There are so many commercials to name here, and I’m sure I could have gone on forever. As time continues, several conglomerate companies will continue to sell us crap we feel necessary to own, and they will continue to write songs to accompany their imagery that we don’t want to hear. Unfortunately, some of us will remember those songs forever, and be plagued with them within the catacombs of our brains. Sorry folks, we aren’t getting a break any time soon.
It’s safe to say we see more advertising in this nation than anything else. All along the scenic highways of America lie billboards advertising the most pointless products. There is product placement in every subway station, on every bus, radio station, plane, in airports, in bars, in schools, and, of course, on television. We see commercials constantly. Every day we see ads for all the random shit we buy (and, in some cases, need) and some of those commercials stay with us forever. As sad as that is…why is that?
