The next ad keeps us right in the ’90s, as it butters us up to head out to Target and buy our children an original Nintendo gaming console. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind this happening nowadays, but this commercial goes about hustling Nintendo the wrong way. This beloved 30 seconds of television stars none other than Aretha Franklin (second article on commercials I’ve written with the diva).  In the commercial, Franklin is seated in the back seat of a car. Obviously, she’s rich, and therefore does not need to drive herself around when the roads are so icy.

Franklin gazes out the window longingly, looking at shoppers, shop windows, Christmas trees, and the snow on the pavement. Superimposed over the scenery is an image of a small girl (presumably Franklin’s daughter) peering out a window with anticipation. Franklin sings some soulful mumbo-jumbo about “bringing Christmas home,” and when she arrives home, immediately hugs her daughter.  No exchange of the Nintendo is made, but it cuts away to a cliché male voice saying, “This holiday, bring home Nintendo.” Right before another commercial for soda comes on, though, Franklin hugs the girl for a few more seconds, showing parents everywhere that their children MIGHT appreciate them if they get to play Super Mario Brothers on Christmas morning.

This next commercial was just too good to pass up. During my “research” for this article, I stumbled across some Dr. Dre-casted Christmas ads. Obviously, I had to click on them and at least watch them. I’m not sure if these ads brought families together, convinced anybody to buy The Chronic, or helped Dre boost sales, but nevertheless, they embody that amazing Christmas spirit that Americans seem to embrace (that spirit is commonly referred to as “capitalism”). The first ad contains some smooth g-funk beats as the camera pans down from some mistletoe to Dre embracing a young female. The two kiss, and are then interrupted by the most obnoxious Rasta voice imaginable posing the question, “What makes Christmas better?” Dr. Dre gazes up in deep thought as the camera pans back to the mistletoe, which is now attached to a phat and sticky leaf of chronic. “The Chronic from Dr. Dre!” the Rasta says. The next ad is merely a pan around a Christmas tree to reveal another chronic leaf, with a Dr. Dre ornament hanging from it. “The Chronic,” a female voice says, “the gift that keeps on giving.” She’s certainly got that part right about the holidays.

Now, what would any article on Christmas commercials be without an ad from Coca Cola? Coke has been on top of the Christmas spirit since advertising has existed, and has even been able to brand themselves as the soda of the holiday season. If you don’t believe me, watch Ernest Saves Christmas. If you don’t feel like watching Ernest, I will say my local grocery store had a large Santa built from Coca-Cola boxes on display. Either way, Coca Cola’s most classic and most obnoxious Christmas ad campaign is their numerous renditions of “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing,” a song that Oasis would rip off later in life. In the ad from the ’70s, Coke makes a valiant effort to show as many different ethnicities of people as humanly possible in the first three seconds to show how united we are around the holidays. As the camera zooms out from all the diverse singers holding candles, their shape goes on to form a Christmas tree, showing we are all united by our ownership of Christmas trees and mutual love of Cola. Good to know everybody else out there is just like me: fat, loaded with sugar, and unhealthy.

The next ad I had to bring up because recently it has driven me crazy how this song has become “the Honda song.” Many of you who read this site regularly may or may not be tired of Vampire Weekend, but I can tell you I am now certainly tired of their new song “Holiday.” Upon singing this at work one night, my boss said, “God dammit, Honda!” blaming the car company for the song being stuck in my head. I just genuinely like the song, but now, Honda has made it impossible. In their newest ad campaign, we get to hear the opening of “Holiday” as people move around in an animated fashion, rocking ugly sweaters, ice skating and drinking cocoa, all in a fake, digital Christmas environment. People are informed of how this holiday season, they will save huge on Hondas, and then we are sent off with the final chorus of the song. Commonly, it gets stuck in my head upon watching this ad, and it’s even worse on the radio! The ad clearly states due to this happy song, the Honda will have happy drivers, but I’d like to see some proof of this. It’s the most indie advertisement since Phoenix sold Cadillacs.

Every Christmas season, we have to be ready for the whole nation to become the North Pole. In every store, there are Christmas decorations littered all over, various sales displays themed around the holidays, and plenty of products that sell out for Santa. It’s to butter everybody up for the season, and I will say as a consumer, it truly does affect me a bit. Even though I hate the ads and the message they generally send to America, it does get me a bit excited to know soon I will be with my family, enjoying several of these products and the comfort of a fire near the Christmas tree. The ads may deliver the illusion of completion during the holidays, but nothing is better than actually experiencing it with your family, no matter how many shitty commercials you must watch together. Happy Holidays, everybody; enjoy and be safe.