The Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

The Mixology: Shot of L.A. Punk, shot of Funkadelic, shot of Grandmaster Flash. Mix hastily and serve with a generous chaser of any other album.

Percentage of album that Anthony Kiedis raps on: 97%

Rank of album in terms of artwork: #3

Rank of album in terms of album title: #4

How Funky? Shit! Goddamn! Get Off Your Ass and– Oh, Andy Gill from Gang of Four produced this so everyone just try their hardest to jam but seriously it’s cool if you don’t want to.

Minute mark where the Funk/Punk schtick starts to pull my finger to the “Next” button: Gonna say around 5:00, but in all honesty eye-rolling commenced at the first ABCB Kiedis rhyme scheme.

Number of songs that sound like they could underscore a Charles Bronson movie: 1, “Grand Pappy Du Plenty”.

Number of songs that sound like prototypes for future RHCP songs: all but “Grand Pappy Du Plenty”.

The only song that holds any water almost 20 years later, and also sounds nothing like RHCP: “Grand Pappy Du Plenty”.

Freaky Styley (1985)

The Mixology: Two shots gasoline from The P-Funk Mothership, six drops discharge from Fred Wesley’s spit valve, decorated with multi-colored braids from George Clinton’s dreads.

Percentage of album that Anthony Kiedis raps on: 85%, but he’s hiding behind those 70′s funk unison vocals, that coward.

Rank of album in terms of artwork: #9

Rank of album in terms of album title: #8

How Funky? Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication. Promentalshitbackwashpsychosis. Spottieottiedogalicious. Supreme funky.

What guitarist Hillel Slovak was probably listening to at the time: The J.B.’s.

Sexy/nasty lyric repeated well over 20 times: “I fuck ‘em/just to see the look on their face”.

Number of covers: 2, The Meters and Sly & The Family Stone, both signifiers of the pure funk on the album.

Ratio of funk to funk-punk songs on Freaky Styley: 1,000:1

How cool is it that you can’t make a portmanteau out of “funk” and “punk”? Way cool.

In the future, whatever happened to: This funky horn section. I guess they chose the road that didn’t lead to them becoming the next Tower of Power.

The Uplift Mofo Party Plan (1987)

The Mixology: It’s own brand. RHCP standard. Primal and preeminent in its purest chemistry. Like “Blue Sky” meth.

Percentage of album that Anthony Kiedis raps on: 60%

Rank of album in terms of artwork: #5

Rank of album in terms of album title: #1

How Funky? Fist pumping is funky, right?

What guitarist Hillel Slovak was probably listening to at the time: Eddie Hazel, or possibly L.A. Guns.

Time it took me to figure out that the Guitar part on “Behind the Sun” sorta sounds like the guitar part on Tom Cochrane’s “Life Is A Highway“: Four excruciating minutes.

Sexy/nasty lyric repeated well over 20 times: “I want to party on your pussy, baby”.

Number of Covers: 1, Bob Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues”, which certainly wouldn’t crack the Top 50 Dylan covers of all time. Maybe not even Top 100.

Is Flea still slapping that bass? Same as it ever was.

Never Forget: This was Hillel’s last album with the band. He died of a heroin overdose in June of 1988.

Mother’s Milk (1989)

The Mixology: Two shots denial, 40oz of Uplift Mofo Party Plan, with several ounces poured out for Hillel.

Percentage of album that Anthony Kiedis raps on: 45% but that’s clearly Frusciante’s voice on the single “Knock Me Down”.

Rank of album in terms of artwork: #8

Rank of album in terms of album title: #7

How Funky? Horns make a reprise, Frusciante is a huge Cry Baby, but stoned slam-dancing might still be the main thrust.

Best Kiedis vocalization: “Zeh-geh-geh-goww” on  ”Johnny Kick A Hole In The Sky”

Ratio of the shoe sizes of Hillel Slovak and Jack Irons to the foot sizes of John Frusciante and Chad Smith: 1:1

Covers: 2, a greater “Higher Ground” and a lesser “Fire”, though the latter would soundtrack the end of the Woodstock ’99 era in a pretty seminal moment.

Is Flea still slappin that bass? Oh yes, even on “Pretty Little Ditty”.

But what I’m really thinking about: is why, after Hillel’s death, is this album ignoring it? Yeah, there’s “Knock Me Down”, but the rest seems to just gloss over a monumental loss and gear shift for the band. Metallica dealt with the loss of Cliff Burton with aggression and mixing the new guy pretty much out of the album. But here Frusciante is cranked up all the way throughout, even singing lead on the song that’s about Hillel! Mother’s Milk just seems like it’s in denial, and the real album that is the next step is…

Blood Sugar Sex Magik (1991)

The Mixology: 2 shots acceptance, 1 shot maturity, 5 droplets of tears. Mix, then drink it off of a stripper’s naked body.

Percentage of album that Anthony Kiedis raps on: 35%, but with the first real singing we hear from Kiedis and the deliberate pace of the album, it’s hard to call Kiedis’ now signature vocal style rapping anymore.

Rank of album in terms of album artwork: #3

Rank of album in terms of album title: #9 (I want to say they’ve earned it, but no one earns the right to replace C’s with K’s, so automatic DQ)

How Funky? Most funky since Freaky Styley. Mystic porno get-down shit. You can even nod your head to the ballads.

What’s it like hearing the power ballads “Under The Bridge” and “I Could Have Lied” after four ballad-less albums: Like taking off wet clothes and putting on dry clothes. Like Pops telling you you did a good job at washing the car. Refreshing, rewarding, worth the wait.

Does the greatness of “Breaking The Girl” vastly eclipse the sum total of every song they had written previously? I’d bet my life on it.

Songs my high school band “Resurrected Grooves” covered off of this album: At least six.

Song I’m surprised that most people, including myself, know all of the lyrics to: “Sir Psycho Sexy”, even the breakdown at the end. I was even hanging out with a friend of a friend at a bar and we were drinking and going through the lyrics together (loudly) and it was perfect unison and when we got to the “Proppin’ her up on the black and white” part, he went on to echo “white” while I said “unzipped and slipped”. I never saw him again.

One Hot Minute (1995)

The Mixology: 2 shots fame, 1 shot success, 1 shot new beginnings. Begin to drink, then have rock-producer Rick Rubin and Jane’s Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro slap it out of your hands. Stare in dead silence at each of the two and then, as you realize they’re not going to do anything but stare, grab a rag from the bar and wipe the spilled concoction off the ground and wring contents of rag into shot glass and drink. “It tastes good doesn’t it?” Rubin and Navarro say in unison. You had better nod, cause there’s a lot of money and pressure riding on you liking it.

Percentage of album that Anthony Kiedis raps on: 15%, but his confidence as a singer is one of the few joys you can pull from this heap.

Rank of album in terms of artwork: #7

Rank of album in terms of album title: #3

How Funky? For Dave Navarro, really funky. In terms of The Red Hot Chili Peppers I’ve never seen their dicks so limp.

Ratio of Frusciante’s shoe size to Navarro’s foot size: 5:1

Precise moment when eyebrows and alarums are raised: Navarro’s first guitar lick on “Warped” that sounds like it should be coming from Flea’s bass.

Other causes for concern: Flea felt the need to contribute “Pea”, which, all things considered, is a fine song but has no place on this album at all. There’s kids singing on “Aeroplane” for some fucking reason. And then hiding Kiedis’ rawk vox on the final track, “Transcending”, whose title in hindsight is slathered in irony.

In keeping with RHCP’s propensity to evolve and change as a band, how surprised are you really that the band tried to capitalize on the rock-radio success of Blood Sugar Sex Magik with this record? I guess not really.

And additionally, with the death rattle of funk-punk sounding off in everyone’s ear and with the band’s deep catalog built on the blueprints of a sound they defined, isn’t it better to approach a followup with a completely new direction than drop yet another album that’s cut from their own cloth? Ok fine, it’s not completely terrible.

Californication (1999)

The Mixology: 4 shots of “the usual”, chased with a group hug. Drink with one foot on top of the world.

Percentage of album that Anthony Kiedis raps on: Aw who gives a fuck, he can sing now!

Rank of album in terms of artwork: #1

Rank of album in terms of album title: #2

How Funky? Frusciante and his Wah are returned, Smith is always in the pocket, but the proto-funk reservoirs are running dry and that’s mostly for the better.

Precise moment when eyebrows and alarums are lowered: The opening seconds of that riff coming out of Flea’s bass and Frusciante’s tip-toe riff over the chorus in “Around The World”

Precise moment where Kiedis’ lyrical vibe turns from a virile and mystic Dr. Funkensex to a shirtless uncle who’s not making sense after his sixth J&B: “Gorilla/Cunt-tilla/Sammy D and Salmonella/Come with me cause I’m the ass-killa.”

Precise moment where Kiedis’ redeems that unfortunate clunker and writes a heartbreaking, self-reflective, and honest song that ranks among one of their best: “Slit in my throat/it’s all I ever…”

Fruisciante moments to savor forever: The feedback behind the verse on “Emit Remmus”, the indelible solo breaks on “Scar Tissue”, the simplicity of “Californication”.

Doppleganger ratio between Chad Smith and Will Ferrell: 1:1

A polarizing statement I fully believe at this point in my life: Anthony Kiedis sounds better when he’s singing and he writes the best ballads of his career on this album.

By The Way (2002)

The Mixology: 2 shots Phil Spector, 1 shot The Cure, and whatever else Frusciante wants to put in there. Drink while imagining George Clinton kicking an empty soda can down a lonely dirty road.

Rank of album in terms of artwork: #2

Rank of album in terms of album title: #5

How Funky? If you turn the album upside down and shake real hard, the last vestiges of their proto-funk start to drip out. Funk-a-luscious is Frusciante’s game.

Is Flea still slappin that bass? No, he’s in the backseat pouting cause Frusciante bet him he couldn’t go a whole album without doing it and Flea almost made it but threw in a little bit at the end of “Can’t Stop” and now Flea’s pride hurts.

Are all the hits and stacked on the first half of the album again? Yes.

New song structures that work really well: The creeping crescendo of “Don’t Forget Me”, made space-psych by Frusciante’s tapping guitar work that vibrates over the whole track. Could be an indie single in 2011. Could be a long lost Ride song.

Ratio of greatness between the two singles “By the Way” and “Zephyr Song”: 1,000,000:1

The vocal harmonies on the chorus of “By The Way”: One of my all-time favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers moments.

One of if not the only really bad song on this album, and boy is it just terrible: “Universally Speaking”. The lyric “Simply put, I saw your love stream flow” is right up there with “Amber is the color of your energy” in terms of how tightly it makes me clench my fists.

Stadium Arcadium (2006)

The Mixology: 8 shots of every other album. Drink it, you coward.

Percentage of album that Anthony Kiedis raps on: I’m not sure. Let’s call it 5% (which equals out to like 45 minutes of this album or something).

Rank of album in terms of artwork: #4

Rank of album in terms of album title: #6

How Funky? Funkzombies 2, The Re-Funkinator. Funk for funk’s sake. Funking uninspired.

The “Come To Jesus” moment: 2 hours? “But it was originally going to be 3 separate albums…” Shut up, Smith, you Will Ferrell look-a-like mother fucker. I bit my tongue regarding the length of some of your previous releases, but not only did you meet and exceed the length of your longest release by about an hour, you made it into a double LP with no discernible sequencing to help guide the listener.

Are all the hits stacked on the first half of the album again? Yes.

iTunes Shuffle function says a three song block goes like this: The light-beer rock throwback of ”Turn It Again”, into the economical drumless drone-ballad of “If”, into the facsimile of a facsimile of a RHCP “21st Century”.

Can you acquit many of the sins of the album based solely on the catchiness of “Dani California”?: …Yes