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Collected Thoughts: Similes regarding Lulu

on November 03, 2011, 12:30pm

lulu feat Collected Thoughts: Similes regarding Lulu

Theory of a Dead Man, Young Rebel Set, Puddle of Mud, Limp Bizkit, Kevin Federline. These are some of the only bands who released albums this year that have an aggregated score lower than Lou Reed and Metallica’s ambitious and unsightly Lulu. But before we unshackle Lou Reed and Metallica from the gallows located in the internet’s town square, we sought out various writers’ similes — the most dubious and snarky of all literary devices — regarding the collaborative clusterfuck.

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Lulu is like a bad haircut: it makes you want to blow your head off.

– Shane Mack, Tiny Mix Tapes

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Lulu sounds like my little brother’s garage band finally fell for that senile old poet’s “Hey boys, I have some lollipops” bribe.

– Ray Roa, Suburban Apologist

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Listening to Lulu is like watching The Challenger take off.

– Kenny Bloggins, The Decibel Tolls

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To borrow from Seinfeld, Lulu is like listening to an old man trying to send back soup at a deli while a radio in the background plays a cut from Death Magnetic.

– Dan Reilly, Spinner

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Like the chugging wheeze of an irony-clad, bile-powered locomotive.

– Andrew Flanagan, The Daily Swarm

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It sounds like your drunk uncle boasting about his sexcapades during the War, as the radio from the garage bleeds into the “conversation,” and all you wanted was a pleasant Thanksgiving for once, foronce in your adult life, dammit.

– Katie Hasty, HitFix

chicagoist 150x150 Collected Thoughts: Similes regarding Lulu
Lulu is like Songs For Drella plus electric guitars minus any subtlety or nuance or any sense of an emotional core. It’s not as bad as people say it is, but it ain’t good either. It’s biggest crime is in just being boring.

–Tankboy, Chicagoist

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Lulu is as enjoyable as trepanning and caresses the ears like the bug placed in Chekov’s ear in Wrath of Khan.

– Mikala Taylor, The Backstage Rider

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Listening to Lulu is like eating sand and washing it down with saltwater. It’s the audible form of extreme dehydration.

– Zach Hart, We Listen For You

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I read a really great article earlier this year, back around the beginning of baseball season, about the art of throwing batting practice in the Major Leagues. It focused on St. Louis Cardinals first base coach and regular BP pitcher Dave McKay, who’s performed the task for everyone from Mark McGwire and Albert Pujols to… well, lots of people no one’s ever heard of. It goes into what makes someone good at it–the ideal arm angle and release point, the ideal location for each pitch, and the importance of consistency. The goal, essentially, is to throw time and time again what in a game situation would be the worst possible pitch, but in batting practice lets the hitter take stock of his fundamentals–his mechanics, his timing–and it allows everyone around him to spot flaws and gauge the potential of the hitter. Lulu is like the perfect batting practice pitcher, but for rock critics.

 – Mike Conklin, The L Magazine

10 comments

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Anonymous
November 6, 2011 at 6:41 pm

metallica have been declared done so many times and have always come back strong. I can’t imagine this is really a problem for them, Reed has obviously not given a fuck since… well, ever.
hi-five for making some fucking strange noise.

GA
November 4, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I kind of smell a rat about this whole thing.  Critics are just piling on, and I just see a “me too” thing happening.  Like a music writer is failing if they can’t say anything imaginative about this.  I’m not a fan of either Lou Reed or Metallica, but this whole thing is such a circus.  This music is clearly not for everyone (def not for me), and casual listeners should just lay off.  Honestly, they would have gone a better route if the just released this thing extra quietly and let the weirdos find it naturally.  I see it as more a PR mistake then anything. 

Rammer Jammer
November 3, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I gave it a listen and soon turned it off…. roll tide

mephisto
November 3, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Why would anyone care about bloggers or even the mainstream media critics’ opinions anyway? Do you really think any artist should even take notice of any of them? They do whatever they do, hopefully having some good old fashoned fun while they’re at it and that’s where it ends. If you don’t like it fine. The moaning and bitching about it is at best lousy comedy. If people are disappointed in their expectations they should take a closer look at their expectations instead of flaming somebody else’s work. 
Critics have been slagging artists probably since the printing press was invented. But in the end, who cares? We all know critics are either frustrated or simply undertalented musicians or both. Just because they like to think of themselves as the “voice of the people” we should take notice? We fortunately all have ears, so let those be the judge, and not some pathetic little scribe at the New York Times or some music blog. If anything, Lou Reed and Metallica should be commended for doing what they believed was worth doing. Doing your own thing is what Rock ‘n Roll is supposed to be about. Not pleasing some record company execs or critics or even the masses.
If it would have been some indie startup from Brooklyn they’d be heaped with praise and admiration. The double standard is just so blatant it’s disgusting. It’s turned into a feeding frenzy by now, where the incompetent scribblers think it’s OK to have some fun at the expense of somebody else, and they’re all reinforcing each other in it, or so it seems. Lou Reed obviously doesn’t care, Metallica probably won’t care, and most of us don’t really care either.
What I do find laughable is that all of you who build up all the hype surrounding this album in the first place are now the ones screaming the loudest. You all ended up shooting yourself in the foot and with egg on your face.

Everlong196
November 4, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Cool story bro. Changed my life.

Doozen19
November 4, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Obviously people enjoy reading reviews and garnering information about an artist prior to listening to their work. I don’t think the artist should care, not everything is for everybody. This seems obvious. But this album was atrocious, so I wonder what purpose your diatribe provides? Do you just have a strong distaste for critics and view this as the best outlet. I would disagree and say you are the one with egg on your face.

Smupsychology
November 5, 2011 at 12:09 am

I can’t agree with everything you say here, but you are absolutely right on one point.  If this album had Times New Viking on the cover, Pitchfork would have wet themselves and given it a 9.1

Katy
November 12, 2011 at 3:31 pm

I thought the same thing: Where are all these record reviewers at when Lou Reed releases something LISTENABLE?

Granted, a lot of them weren’t born yet, but you get the idea…

Big Joe Burke
November 3, 2011 at 6:13 pm

One I heard, sorry but no attribution and paraphrased, was “Lulu is the ‘Waterworld’ of rock albums.”

Paul de Revere
November 3, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Fookin’ brilliant.