Earlier this month, Bruce Springsteen rallied behind President Barack Obama with two-and-a-half verses rhyming pajamas with Osama bin Laden and referencing a shitty sexual encounter he had in Ohio. But if you think this was the worst political jam ever written, think again. Campaign theme songs date back to the inception of the American political process and ever since then, they’ve gotten more and more painful.
In light of tomorrow’s election, we’ve dissected some of the more cringe-worthy musical moments in politics; from Calvin Coolidge’s play on the word “cool” to the overly sexual Obama girl, from Nixon’s attempt at brainwash to Mike Bangs’ barbershop anthem entitled “We’re All Romneyites Now!”
You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll thank jebus that YouTube exists. And when you’re done, please remember to vote Tuesday so that democracy can continue and this list can grow even longer.
“Keep Cool and Keep Coolidge”
Written by: Bruce Harper and Ida Cheever Goodwin Year: 1924 Calvin Coolidge was the vice president but took over the executive role following the death of Warren Harding: Wow, that’s like Phil Collins stepping up his game after Peter Gabriel left Genesis. Keep cool? That sort of slang is ahead of its time. Agreed. Oddly enough, Coolidge was known as a “man who said very little.” It seems he just chose his words well. The song is pretty catchy too. Yes. I wish Obama would better utilize Vaudeville tunes in his own commercials. Who wouldn’t love to see a tap dancing Eddie Cantor extolling the virtues of death panels? Best Lyric: “Coolidge is a man of action and not talk.” He’s the Ryan Gosling of his day. So cool. Isn’t it strange seeing footage from the 1920s and realizing that most of the people in it are now dead? And yet they’ll live forever on YouTube. Viral video reincarnation. There’s the makings of a good religion somewhere in that idea. -Dan Pfleegor
“They Like Ike”
Written by:Irving Berlin Year: 1952 Did you know this was based on a tune named “Call Me Madam?”: Ike’s final speech warned us about the dangers of an out of control military industrial complex. If only he had given us some thoughtful words on “Call Me Maybe”. Wait, why do we like Ike again? Well, he’s only responsible for the INTERSTATE HIGHWAY SYSTEM, among other countless accomplishments. CoS Top Star General? Five stars! “They like Ike because he’s good on a mic.” Sick rhyming. Too bad “Obama” and “Romney” don’t lend themselves so easily to such clever word play: Rode my bike to the dike to lay a spike with Mike but didn’t like the look of the pike so turned around, instead went for a hike. [drops mic] Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. Sidenote: Doesn’t he bear a slight resemblance to Michael Byrne, aka the Nazi who throws Indiana Jones off a tank in Last Crusade? Even just a little? -Michael Roffman & Dan Pfleegor
Adlai Stevenson’s Music Man Ad
Written by: Lucille Ball’s stunt double, apparently. Year: 1952 You think that’s bad? This was only one of Stevenson’s many attempts to thwart the catchy minimalism of “I Like Ike”. Poor guy. Yeah, it gets worse. Here’s what they considered a “winning” line: “Vote Stevenson: a man you can believe in, son.” That bad, huh? Dude, they even had to run ads on how to say the guy’s name. He was such an “Egghead”, though: Ugh, anti-intellectualism at its worst. Who had the last laugh? Stevenson for sure. Eisenhower’s “brilliant” plan for the Bay of Pigs was shit from the get-go, and true historians will point the finger at him and not Kennedy. Meanwhile, the fictional Adlai Stevenson Memorial Park would later celebrate Waynestock with Aerosmith, Van Halen, Pearl Jam, and Crucial Taunt. Anyways, back in reality… Leave it to Sufjan Stevens to make diamonds out of coal. -Michael Roffman
“Buckle Down With Nixon”
Written by: Ralph Blane and Hugh Martin Year: 1960 This video is strange: It’s very off-putting, like a Tim and Eric sketch set in the miserable David Lynch universe. The slow zoom on his face is terrifying. I’m not going to be able to sleep until after the election. What’s he looking at? This guy is fixated on something off-camera. His eyes are shifty and nervous. I get the vibe this was filmed in Hell with Lucifer himself directing. Can’t tell if it’s a campaign ad or a hostage video. Worst President: Nixon Worst instrument: Too easy Worst lyrics: “We can win the fight, when we know we’re right, and we know we’re right.” Go ahead and tease the man about playing an accordion, but it’s hard to argue with such flawless logic. -Dan Pfleegor
“Kennedy”
Written by: Dozens of people that were good at saying the name “Kennedy.” Year: 1960 Number of times the name “Kennedy” is sung: Over 60, coincidentally the number of Kennedy children in the family tree. Isn’t this sort of brainwashing? Of course, but hey, it worked. Uh, why don’t they still use this technique then? They do. Go ask Obama. God that’s depressing. ”A man who’s old enough to know, and young enough to do.” Likely pick up line used by the former POTUS himself: ”Do you want a man with spirit, who’s not afraid to fight?” Man, how good was Oliver Stone’s JFK? Best editing ever, man. Was it really Lee Harvey Oswald? The truth is out there. -Michael Roffman
“Nixon Now”
Written by: A few poor souls held at gun point. Year: 1972 Predicting the future: Don Draper creates this ad in season six of Mad Men. The first 32 seconds feature photographs of nature, a water park, and lovers embracing. How else do you prepare someone for the 90 seconds worth of evilness that followed? Do you think anyone featured in this ad actually voted for Nixon? Not unless they were paid. Predicting the future some more: Don Draper dies of alcoholism in season seven after living through the horror of Richard Nixon’s presidency. Hunter S. Thompson: took a hit of acid every time this ad aired. -Alex Young
“Best America”
Written by: N/A, though hopefully it was Michael Dukakis himself. Year: 1988 “The best America is yet to come.” That’s a patriotic thought, no? Um, sorry, last time I checked, America already was the best. Permanently. I find the use of a vague future-tense offensive. Most used word: America Most overused visual: Old ladies fist-pumping. Best country: America What’s missing? Dukakis riding a tank. Verdict: Bush Sr. by a landslide. -Dan Pfleegor
“Rappin’ Ron Reagan”
Written by: Rich Little Year: 1988 Is this actually real? Sadly, no. I know, I know, I’m as distraught as you. Still, this has to be the best thing ever captured on film, right? Yes, it is. Favorite Lyric: “Uh, oh yeah. Lord have mercy. Let me hear another bass now, Nancy.” Second Favorite Lyric: “Brother Ron Reagan has hit the ground. Got to believe he’s the dude of the hour. Got the glory, got the power.” Third Favorite Lyric: “Papa got a brand new safety net for you.” The racial jokes get real uncomfortable: when the secret service agents think the vinyl scratching is gun shots. -Alex Young
“The Obama Campaign Song”
Written by: “We are ObamaMusic. One of our members wrote the song and we all got together to sing it at the Obama volunteer headquarters. We are singing this song all over the country. Please let me know if you want to have a gathering to learn the song!! It is a simple song and everyone loves singing this song! YES WE CAN!” Year: 2008 Was this video really filmed in 2008? Well, 2007 if you want to get technical. But it came in support of Obama’s 2008 Presidential campaign. Then why does it look like it was filmed in 1990 on Betamax? They spent the remaining budget on Joe Biden teeth whitener. This reminds my of a second grade assembly in elementary school. Yeah, except the music teacher would be burned at the stake for getting political if it actually were a second grade assembly. The best part of the video: When they start marching in place. -Alex Young
“I got a Crush… on Obama”
Written by: Obama Girl, aka Amber Lee Ettinger
Year: 2008
The lyric Obama should have included in a State of the Union address: “You’re into border security, let’s break this border between you and me. Universal healthcare, it makes me warm.” The lyric that could also be used in the script for a White House-themed porno: “I like it when you get hard on Hilary in debate.” The best part of the video: The guy in the orange shirt at the 2:28 mark. The one person who lives in the White House who hasn’t watched this video: Michelle Obama -Alex Young
“Early November”
Written by: William Tapley Year:2012 This guy’s day job is:“Co-prophet of the End Times” and “Third Eagle of the Apocalypse” How do we know he did this in one take: He says ‘Democrat party’ and you can hear the keys clicking at the 2:06 mark. Would it be awesome if Joe Biden was actually the Joker?Who said he isn’t? If Mitt Romney actually wins: Then this guy deserves all the credit. -Alex Young
“Are You Ready For Some R&R”
Written by: Toots Sweet Year: 2012 Top Rated YouTube commenter: Hank Williams, Jr. Is that Meg White in the red pants? God, we hope not. Where can I get that chain necklace? Hot Topic Final thought: If Penn Jillette, Slash, and Rancid’s Tim Armstrong somehow managed to have a child together, Toots’ Sweet is what I’d imagine it’d sound and look like. -Alex Young
“We’re All Romneyites Now!”
Written by: Mike Bangs Year: 2012 It does a good job: recounting the tumultuous republican primaries. Voters struggled to find a candidate they liked and the song mirrors their begrudging acceptance of Romney as a dance partner. On the topic of dancing: I’m going to sashay over to the cash register after my next haircut. Hopefully the other patrons will join in. Romneyites: As featured on Star Trek Voyager. Most contradictory lyric: “With a little prayer, we’ll repeal health care.” God created diseases. Deal with it. Best men’s haircut: High and tight. Biggest surprise: The YouTube comments section hasn’t yet devolved into a political flame war. -Dan Pfleegor
