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Future Music Headlines

on June 28, 2013, 2:40pm

future headlines Future Music Headlines

It’s been an incredible year for unbelievable headlines. Seriously, it seems like the unthinkable happens each and every day in 2013, whether it’s reunion gigs with The Replacements; a new single by a Kim Deal-less Pixies; actual tangible albums released by My Bloody Valentine, David Bowie, Daft Punk, and Boards of Canada; a reality that involves Kanye’s offspring; and a return to the road by Dave Chappelle. By year’s end, we might be out of stories to report on — then again, anything’s possible.

For example…

David Lynch severs ties with David Lynch after epileptic seizure

-Michael Roffman

Samsung post 500,000 copies of Magna Carta Holy Grail on Craigslist.

-Drew Litowitz

TLC re-record “Waterfalls” with Starscream

-Chris Coplan

Daft Punk plays surprise set at Newport Folk Festival.

-Ben Kaye

Daft Punk goes acoustic at Newport surprise set. Crowd screams “Judas” (French for “Judas”)

-Alex Young

Drake attractive, knows it

-Randall Colburn

North West heads South due to uncomfortable samples featured on Yeezus

-Sam Willett

The Smiths reunite at Glastonbury

-Michael Roffman

Rolling Stone hires St. Bernard puppy as CFO

-Dan Caffrey

Kanye West prays to self for peaceful resolution to Cairo protests

-Randall Colburn

Still no goddamn fucking Misfits reunion

-Chris Coplan

Axl Rose announces formation of exploratory committee for possible 2014 senate run

-Dan Pfleegor

Andrew W.K. to attempt world record in just fucking with all of us now.

-Steven Arroyo

Jay-Z buys rights to Alice in Chains and Soundgarden, never has to write lyrics again

-Randall Colburn

Johnny Marr quits The Smiths

-Michael Roffman

Rick Rubin defeats J Mascis in wizard duel atop Isengaard

-Sasha Geffen

Kanye West projects long-awaited baby photos on burned down Red Lobster in Great Neck, NY

-Chris Coplan

Stephin Merritt spills mustard on t-shirt, shrugs

-Randall Colburn

Obama urges those affected by wildfires to “find hope in Yeezus.”

-Dan Pfleegor

The Smiths release new Johnny Marr-less single

-Michael Roffman

Jay-Z teams up with Nabisco for line of Hov-eos

-Chris Coplan

People start talking about Lana Del Rey again, maybe

-Drew Litowitz

Cobain’s ghost: “Actually, DIIV guy is the only person who ever truly understood Nevermind.”

-Steven Arroyo

Franz Ferdinand still trying

-Randall Colburn

Ray Manzarek kicked out of heaven for sneaking into Forever 27 Club

-Dan Caffrey

Bill Simmons split on new Pixies song, blames Doc Rivers

-Michael Roffman

GQ highlights must-have garments and accessories for upcoming Yeezus season.

-Drew Litowitz

Listen to Mariah Carey and Miguel’s “#Beautiful” re-recorded in Klingon

-Chris Coplan

M.I.A. releases new song, “ARRRGGGHHHHH”

-Randall Colburn

Morrissey on Nick Cave’s new doc: “I’ve lived 40,000 days. Fuck your mother.”

-Michael Roffman

Empire of the Sun watch Dumb and Dumberer, drop out of Dumb and Dumber To

-Chris Coplan

Jay-Z photographed with iPhone, dropped by Samsung

-Alex Young

Beyoncé files for divorce

-Alex Young

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