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Apple files patent for latest invention: a paper bag

on September 19, 2016, 5:41pm

Apple has filed a number of really fascinating patents in recent months, from a platform that would automatically censor songs to infrared technology that would prevent people from taking cellphone pictures or videos at concerts. But as Gizmodo has just learned, the computer giant has submitted a patent request for what could be its greatest invention yet: a bag.

Yes, the company that put an entire music library in your pocket and then killed the most convenient way to listen to said library has apparently revolutionized the way you carry the things you buy. The application begins with the remarkably poetic sentence, “A paper bag is disclosed.” Somebody get that patent writer a Pulitzer, STAT.

It actually gets even better from there with such jaw-dropping wrangling of the English language as, “Since an item carried within bag 100 will typically apply force to bag 100 at bottom panel 212, due to the gravitational attraction of the item to the earth, areas near the bottom of bag 100 may be most susceptible to tearing.” Translation: “Heavy things in a bag will rip the bag.” There’s also incredibly informative stuff like, “The bag may be formed of a container and a handle,” and “Bags are often used for containing items.”

In all seriousness, there is a real point to all this. Apple’s patent is for a specific type of bag made with at least 60% post-consumer content, a number 10% higher than the current standard for such portable vessels. That actually makes the Apple Bag considerably weaker than most, so the technology needed to reinforce the product actually makes a patent warranted.

Still, the length and language of the actual patent itself is worth perusing for the sheer amusement of lines like, “Those skilled in the art will readily appreciate that the detailed description given herein with respect to these figures is for explanatory purposes only and should not be construed as limiting.” Which is essentially them saying this Bag could be more complicated than the patent makes it out to be. Will wonders ever cease?

Read the whole thing here.

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