-Michael Roffman, President/Editor-in-Chief.

If you can’t appreciate the Carpenters, you might need to take the stick out of your ass.

The Carpenters are the best selling American musical act of the 1970s.

The 1970s saw a break from tradition in a lot of ways throughout both art and entertainment. Movies, music, and television needed to appeal to a wider demographic, to people with more diverse interests than ever before in the States. In the midst of punk, funk, rock, prog, jazz fusion, and all the other shit flying around in that decade, the Carpenters sold such a shit load of records that everyone was familiar with them.

If you’re a hipster or hipster-after-you-leave-your-college-and-move-to-the-big-city, you’re familiar with being an idiot and not liking things just because they’re popular.

This is why people stopped caring about the Carpenters. They were killed by proto-hipsters of the ’70s and ’80s.

Anyways… this never-regular column has a concept and I am sticking to it.

Argument #1: “The Carpenters were totally gay!”

First off, you are homophobic. Secondly, no, you’re the gay one. But let’s look at the facts:

Fact 1: Karen Carpenter was one of the first stars in the spotlight to have an eating disorder.

Fact 2: Richard Carpenter had a massive Quaalude addiction.

This is how I want my rock stars to be. I want them to be totally fucked up in tragic ways. What the hell happened to Quaaludes anyway? DId they just go out of style? Maybe Richard Carpenter just took every one produced. (Badass!) If Peter Segal’s 1995 film epic Tommy Boy taught us anything, it’s that balding tightass David Spade and chicken wing fan Chris Farley could bond through The Carpenters. Sure, Richard (Spade) might have wanted something different than Tommy (Farley), but when 1971′s “Superstar” came on the radio, it was common ground.

More trivia to stomach:

• Ever seen the films Velvet Goldmine, I’m Not There, or Far From Heaven? The director of those, Todd Haynes, made his mark with a film about Karen Carpenter.
• Sonic Youth and Boyz II Men both will talk of their love of the Carpenters.
• Elvis banged Karen Carpenter as he ate fried chicken drumsticks. (Not Confirmed)

Argument #2: “They were only popular, not good”

Karen Carpenter’s drumming as a kid was said to have exotic time signatures. You on the other hand get your friends to play the drums in Rock Band because you just can’t get good at it.

Their cover renditions of songs were more re-inventions than anything else and set a trend in music that is still pissing people off. And to think, your original stuff can’t get heard by more than 100 people.

This old ass clip of Karen belting out “Rainy Days and Mondays” has over 2.5 million views. The most viewed video on this guy’s YouTube is 160!

As I’m writing this, I have discovered I might not even be arguing anything. The Carpenters were the top selling act of what is generally thought of as the greatest decade for music, the 1970′s. If you don’t have at least one Carpenters song on your iPod, you aren’t really a music fan. If you haven’t heard at least one Carpenters song, you might as well throw away your iPod because you have no right to say you like any music because you have never heard the greatest female alto singer in the history of pop music. If you are a person who enjoys art and design, you have to respect their logo which people would rip-off throughout the ’70s, simply by duplicating the curvature of the script in a similar way to the Carpenters logo.

The real reason for the success of The Carpenters is that they were able to combine a ridiculous vocal range with backing music that would transition from safe (piano) to dangerous (electric guitar). This is a blueprint for perfect music, literally something for everybody.

I might be an angry asshole, but the Carpenters always will find a place in my heart to reside and play beautiful music. I also let them drop Quaaludes and fuck Elvis, and only in my liver.

But that’s a whole other argument in itself.

Very few can escape the allure of Guitar Hero. She’s a bitch mistress. When I first laid my hands on her, it was the special summer of 2005. This was pre-release. I was drunk and surrounded by gorgeous models in Downtown LA at an awards after-party — a rock n’ roll type story if there was ever one. Guitar Hero hadn’t hit stores yet so everyone was intrigued by the crazy controller. By the following fall, it was a runaway hit, of course.

I have never walked away disliking a game more in my life. This game is fucking brutal: the controls suck, the playability is limited, there are too few songs! I thought at the time, who is going to play this game? Yes, I realize everyone.

Don’t doubt that this is a true story. I have the G-Phoria drink menu that I stole, and if you really wanna get technical, I can show you the three 40-inch signs I ripped off the wall and brought back with me to Chicago, too. After all, where would I be without evidence?

The simple matter at hand here is that people who love Guitar Hero have a lot of problems. First of all, you can’t listen to the songs you play three million times ever again. Goodbye Santana, we hardly knew ye! Oh, but maybe you like “Anarchy in the UK”? You’re a bad ass, you know that song in and out, right? Well, I hope you enjoy never being able to listen to Never Mind the Bollocks again.

Fuck you Guitar Hero! You’ve ruined great music and while I’m at it, you’ve ruined an instrument for a generation of people (see: South Park, “Guitar Queer-O”, Episode 1113). Damn you Activision or whoever made this stupid game. Sorry, I don’t have time to “google” your sorry ass, multi-billion dollar company. Naturally, I’ve got better things to do — like scratch my balls and drink my homemade iced tea (it’s delicious).

Moving on from healthy genital aeration, let’s get down to the real idiocy of this nonsense. Recently, a Guitar Hero reality show and a concert tour have been discussed, which of course will go into production. My question and concern and overall response: HOW THE FUCK IS A CONCERT TOUR SCHEDULED? How can a video game have a concert tour? How? Do they just haul fat kids around across the country? Do they expect us to sit and watch these rejects play the game, while eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew at the 50 yard line?

First of all, I would admittedly pay to see that, maybe that’s wrong, but a reality show? That’s really just a step too far. Back in my day, reality shows were about things like seven strangers practicing race relations in a Hollywood apartment. Reality shows pushed the boundaries of what we could tolerate in terms of watching people eating unappetizing things. Now, we have crap like Rock of Love Me Like a Hurricane (oops, wrong irrelevant ’80s metal band reference). We already have shows that follow white suburban ghetto wannabees playing Madden, we don’t need people with zero musical talent playing Guitar Hero, at least not on my television.

Another problem is this bullshit on YouTube. STOP putting fucking videos on YouTube that feature your irrelevant video game skills. Look, I have a YouTube account just like everyone else, we could all put videos of us doing cool stuff that we do alone in our room (like scratching my balls with one hand and drinking my homemade iced tea in the other). This could be a great comparison video to show next to the best score from the Dragonforce stage in Guitar Hero III (maybe II, maybe World Tour, maybe I don’t care). What I’m really trying to say is that if you are filming your Guitar Hero trials, you need to tape yourself doing other stuff. I suggest walking thoughtfully through a forest or use the art medium of video to explore something other than someone else’s ideas.

I realize I might be getting too deep for some people. Hey, I don’t know who reads this site. I’ve never even met anyone who works here! Hell, I might work for a telefax machine tucked away in an office in New York (just kidding, Alex.)

Look, if you love Guitar Hero, you have some serious fucking problems. You are bastardizing good music by wearing out the songs and associating them with a challenge of a game as opposed to the challenge that should come from the songwriter’s or musician’s message. What’s unfortunate is that these songs get played out before they should and this game is so massively loved that we as a society are going to be bombarded with shitty reality shows and concert tours with those aforementioned fat kids. This can’t be good people, it just can’t. Video gamers are already highly ignorant (have you heard X-Box Live?). No one should tolerate a society run by gamers. So, run for the hills! Soon it’ll be all YouTube videos of shitty high scores! Oh god, why? Why has thou forsaken me? This dirty, dirty temptress of a game! It will destroy us! Destroy us! Destroy us…

Oh, by the way, here’s my own Guitar Hero high score! All there for your viewing pleasure, on YouTube…

Holy shit, it’s 2009! This means a fat little baby wearing the year on its diaper strolls around thinking they are hot shit. Well, I say put some clothes on the kid because we got some “shit” to go over. Let me warn you, this might go outside the box some. We’re not talking about resolutions, Christmas bragging rights, etc. No, when the New Year rolls around, I always think to myself…

“What 5 things from the past year do I want to block out of my mind entirely and forget ever happened?”

1) Earth lost Bo Diddley.

First of all, Bo Diddley is one of the finest musicians to ever walk the earth, so let’s get that out of the way. He was one of the main people out of Chess Records. If you haven’t experienced Bo Diddley yet, grow up, live some of your life, love someone, lose someone but make time to get down with some blues. Bo Diddley was one of the most important men, along with Muddy Waters, to transition blues to rock and roll and for that, every youngster should respect him and honor his memory.

2) New Kids on the Block reformed and released a new album.

Ah, NKOTB, the first band I ever hated. Oh, do they hold a special place in my heart. Here is a lil’ story of what happened when New Kids on the Block made their comeback. Satan, or the devil as some call him, opened up Netscape Navigator and Googled “five pronged pitchfork.” He then continued on and ordered one. Sadly, the shipping cost was ridiculous because the devil ordered after the free shipping sale ended. So after a few weeks, the Devil received his package and opened it. He then proceeded to carve each name of respected New Kids into each prong. This is what awaits you, New Kids, I hope you’re happy you needed that extra few million dollars.

3) No one realizes the hook from M.I.A’s “Paper Planes” is a Clash sample.

Seriously, “Paper Planes” is a great song, M.I.A. has a unique style and she will be around for a while, but if you love a song this much, which so many people do, then you should know it’s a sample. I don’t have a problem with a sample in a song, it happens, it’s life in the big city, but everyone should know “Paper Planes” stole its hook from “Straight to Hell” by the only band that matters, The Clash. Now you know and as Sgt. Slaughter would say, “Knowing is half the battle”

4) Chinese Democracy

At one point in my life I interned at a music studio and during this short time, I saw Axl Rose walk in and quickly go into a studio room. When I asked my boss “Is that Axl?”, he said “Yes, he’s working on Chinese Democracy.” This was 2005. Look people, the album came out, it’s over with, it’s an okay album. Guns N’ Roses hasn’t been relevant in 20 years and I still don’t think they are, and thank the lord it’s now 2009 because we don’t need to be on a constant vigil for Chinese Democracy. That reminds me, however, where are all the crazy news logos for “Axl Watch ’09”?

5) Vampire Weekend-mania

Here is my side of every conversation about Vampire Weekend I have ever had.

“Yeah, I heard the whole album, I listened to it a few times. No I get it, no dude I get it. They are like transcendent and revolutionary, I realize that, believe me I understand, I just don’t “get” it. I’ve been listening to music my whole life, and I don’t like it, I’m sorry. Why? Look, I just think it sounds like a lot of other shit, especially Paul Simon’s Graceland. Oh I know, everyone says that, but there is a reason you’ve heard that comment before. When it comes down to it, I just don’t think it’s good. It’s relevant, I will give you that, but come on dude, it’s 2009, not 1991. Oh, okay, so I guess I’m an asshole then.”

But that was 2008. Let’s move on some, shall we? When it comes to the New Year, I also like to take time out and think about…

“The 5 awesomest things coming in the new year…”

1)    Mariah Carey is two away from The Beatles for all time number 1 singles.

I personally can’t wait for Mariah Carey to cover John Lennon’s “Imagine” and get her final number one that way. I will cheer and holler during the parade they will hold for her in every major American city.

2) Lollapalooza 2009

After an amazing weekend last year in Grant Park, where I saw fights, Radiohead and a crapload of other awesome things (including boobies), it should come as no surprise that I can’t wait for Lollapalooza 09′. Reason being that it will keep getting better and better every year and it’s held in the greatest city on earth, Chicago. Plus, I don’t even have to leave this website to get new information for it. Badass!

3) I work at Consequence of Sound.

This might be a little sentimental, but I can’t wait to see all the changes coming to this site. We have been growing and growing and with fans like you hating me, I hopefully will still have a job here all year. Prediction: This site will be your one stop site for all music news and information. Get ready people for Consequence of Sound 2009, because it is coming and you better be ready.

4) Ratt is planning on releasing a new album.

For all those doubting the awesomeness of Ratt, I leave you this video.

5) Blur is reforming

One of the most important bands out of the ’90s, Blur is back (hopefully for a long time) and they will bring their infectious pop sound to a new generation of fans. This is a good thing for a variety of reasons, but among them is a splendid collection of music videos.

So Happy New Year everybody and may you keep reading this site and keep on listening, learning, loving, and feeling fascination.

As I lay dying from a turkey coma, I came to the conclusion on three different but related things.

I’m not talking about A’Merica music like the Star Spangled Banner or the National Anthem, this music is reserved for Firework Day during the first week of July and for the boring part before sporting events. I’m also not talking about parade crap that I get to watch all day on Thanksgiving. (Off the cuff tangent: Look I love HD but I don’t need to see pimple-faced high school drummers walk along a road drumming like they are in some sort of Turkey day protest jam. Also, I have come to realized that I love the Jonas Brothers. Not because they are any good; they suck, and they all have black hair, so this, of course, ruins any sort of edge they might have. The reason I love the Jonas Brothers is because they played the Dallas Cowboys halftime game show. The Dallas Cowboys already piss me off, they aren’t America’s team, but the Jonas Brothers with their infectious pop made a lame three hours or professional football even lamer and for that I thank them. God Bless America!)

But you know what really grinds my gears? It’s that the world has some sort of music for every holiday, religion, country celebration. But, Thanksgiving? Oh no, that would be too hard to make. It might be considering everyone is passed out after 6 helpings of food, but that’s not a good enough excuse. No, a song needs to be written.

Do you realize how many Christmas songs there are? Millions? Thousands? Yards? I don’t actually know, I don’t mess around with stats and shit like that, this is just an angry rant. Truth of the matter is, I can go out shopping the day after Thanksgiving and all of a sudden I am inundated with music about Santa Claus, reindeer, mythical elves, the X-Men, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and a host of other real life creatures. And let us not forget Jewish people or other people that don’t celebrate Christmas. I know for a fact that there are all kinds of annoying Hanukkah music, but you guys at least have Adam Sandler making humorous songs about the holiday, so good job. I don’t really know anything about other religious holidays and I don’t think Festivus has any music yet.

Look, Thanksgiving deserves some music dammit. Millions of years ago, after we conquered the dinosaurs, pilgrims set foot on this land in search of a place that they could kill Indians and eat pumpkin pie and we found it. It happened to be near Boston, which is surprising because the Red Sox wasn’t a religion yet. But let’s get serious for a second. Any of the images of Thanksgiving can be used for a song. A song about pumpkin pie could be written like a pop song or a song about the suckage of the Detroit Lions could be written like a country song. The point is that the holiday is clearly void of any music.

When did Thanksgiving music become the tuning session for Christmas music? Last time I checked, not everyone even liked Christmas or celebrated it (I love it, but that’s because Santa loves people with good taste in music and I always get good gifts). Thanksgiving music should be blaring out of Walgreens the entire month of November. There should be music that little grandmothers can listen to when they are whipping up mashed potatoes. There should be a song about how my pants don’t fit on Black Friday and I am forced to wear sweatpants when I am waiting in line at Best Buy.

All these things deserve a song and they don’t have songs. So naturally, I blame you.

What is your problem with Thanksgiving? Are you too high and mighty and do you not like your parents and family that much that you can’t write a fucking song about mushroom gravy. You jerk, why do you hate America so much?

People all around this country proudly proclaim “I don’t like Thanksgiving.” Well who do you think you are? Thanksgiving is the one time of the year where everyone in America, no matter their race or religion, can come together and enjoy corn.

Black people can break bread (or delicious dinner rolls) with white people. Jewish people can hold a little room for the French Silk pie that their Catholic friend bought from the grocery store. Even illegal immigrants get to enjoy their freedom with each other and celebrate this great country (believe me, they are the most thankful, there is a reason they come here to escape shit).

This amazing holiday of togetherness and food deserves music and it is because you kids have refused to write music for it that the country suffers. Obama is supposed to bring change and the first bit of change is that we should get some fucking Turkey Day music. Every holiday has music, why not this one?

(Follow Up: I did find a great Thanksgiving song, it is called “Run to the Hills” by Iron Maiden.)

-Michael Roffman, Editor in Chief

Dear society,

You need to start listening to music that is appropriate to what you are doing.

Cordially,

Me

Seriously, let us look at what I am trying to say. We live in a world where people are constantly listening to music. The iPod and, to a much, much, much, much lesser extent, the Zune have provided every chump and chump-ette on the street with music constantly playing in their ears. Awesome.

Well, a case could be made that this dependence on sound has ended the modern day conversation or this has caused numerous accidents (e.g. Sound dampening headphones? Great! Now I can’t hear the steps of the serial killer following me down the street! Thanks Bose!) But seriously, the fact of the matter is that people are always listening to music, but for the love of Gee-Whiz, make sure the music you are listening to is fucking appropriate.

Audience says, “Yay! Example time!”

(Note to Readers: This is where I get to illustrate my point and you, the reader, tune out.)

A long time ago in the magical early ’00’s, when hybrid cars were only owned by celebrities and the word change was still what I looked for before going to do my laundry, I lived with a tall Viking looking metal head who was the real deal. He had piercings, tattoos and even wore black all the time. This guy was a “bad ass” by all intents and purposes. He listened to all the classic metal bands, he played bass, and most importantly, he knew all kinds of obscure metal acts. One day, I came home from a long day of doing lines off of hookers to find this guy sitting at his desk with a Motorhead skintight shirt on listening to something at an unbelievably loud volume.

It was Avril Lavigne.

Not only Avril, but a deep cut off of one of her albums. I don’t care about guilty pleasures, I don’t care if people listen to bad music, I don’t care about any of that shit, but what I do care about is what is inappropriate and that is just wrong.

Here is what this guy did by blasting Avril, he ruined any credibility he has for metal knowledge. If people act like a metalhead, look like a metalhead and speak only of the metal, they are metal damn it. Avril isn’t metal.

The point of this example is that if you are going to let music dictate your image and be a sheep like so many others (that’s right I said “sheep”), at least be fucking consistent. Fuck, I mean if you are going to spend all your time acting like you are the ultimate metal head or hippie chick, at least keep an image. I get confused too easily and I don’t need you muddling up the waters with your bullshit poser image. Be true to yourself and your music tastes.

Speaking of public transportation, this leads to another example, and this is one urban dwellers can relate to. How many people are familiar with the guy on the train or bus who is listening to extremely loud rap music while you’re stuck at a stop for 30 minutes?

Anyone who’s familiar with Chicago Transit, please raise your hand!

First of all, the volume is so fucking loud, that no one can identify what song it is, and even then, it’s always some obscure rap song that no one can pick out. Then there’s the bass, which is just as noticeable, thanks to the treble being down so low, and although rarely, it does happen, there is blood coming out of the guys ears. But God Bless America, while we’re jam packed into a train car like sardines, Joe Hooded Sweatshirt is off to the side loving his life. Hey, I love rap and I would also love to know what song is so amazing that it has to be so loud it stops other people from listening to their own music… or, how about their own thoughts?

Little old ladies take public transportation, do they really need to hear distorted rap music coming out of an ear bud that is clearly deafening the intended listener?

In a world where everyone knows what music they like and what music they don’t like, we need to be aware as humans as to who is hearing our music. There are millions who go places with an MP3 player right by their side. Do you really want to send out the message that you love Styx when you are stuck at a red light in your car? How about Winger? There are billions of songs and there are billions of situations, make sure you understand what goes with what.

Here’s a helpful list with some concrete examples, feel free to add your own.

• Walking to science class – Late 1970s/Early 1980s British Post-Punk
• Driving to pick up girlfriend – Late 1980s Gangster Rap
• Waiting for boyfriend to pick you up – some chick shit
• Standing on train between home and work – Mid 1970s Prog Rock
• Taking a shower while using a luffa – Early 1980s New Romanticism
• Taking a shower without a luffa – Elvis Presley
• Chopping wood to build a fire – Early 1970s American Southern Rock
• A discussion about economics - Industrial German Techno
• Preparing two over easy eggs in the morning(6-10 AM) – East Coast 1990s Rap
• Thinking about suicide – Early 1960s British Pop
• Writing a Ginger King article – Tool and Supertramp.

Act accordingly. Take five for recess…

Let’s get more specific, though…

Music can also be that mature lover who is clearly teaching you something. You were uninformed about certain things, and some music came along and changed the way you think, kind of like a Clash record. Other times though, music can be something that scares or confuses you. Maybe the song is good, but you don’t know why. Or, you know it’s good, but you can’t put words to it. If you know what I am rambling on about and can identify, then you are most likely a music lover, and if you are a music lover, does this make you a music snob?

Get the fuck up! Passion, knowledge and intelligence don’t equal music snobbery. Let me say this, to all you informed music fans, and more importantly  you Consequence of Sound readers, “Fuck music snobs! And fuck people who don’t understand why music is appreciated and loved!” Still, not clear on who or what I’m talking about, allow me to digress. Let’s start with an example:

“Damn, you are crazy about that band, remind me not to discuss my favorite band with you”

Passion, what was once a soap opera, is now a bad word. Why can’t people be passionate about things anymore? Everyone is fucking apathetic about everything; politics, society, the economy, but if someone has a favorite band or a least favorite band, all of a sudden they are a music snob. My response? Fuck that! If people want to walk around in Nirvana shirts that date back fifteen years ago, who am I to blame them? They are passionate about something in life. They still might be a music snob, but not because they are crazy about a band.

You can have a fiery speech about the finer points of the back and forth interplay between Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson but the main reason you are so nutty about the sound of salesman is that you have passion, and that is a rare thing in life. True music snobs don’t have true love; they just want to fuck music. They want to yell about things, but they don’t always believe what they say.

Moral of the story: People with passion and faith in what they say can’t be music snobs; they are just the lucky few who have something special inside them. So next time you think someone thinks you are a music snob, fuck ‘em (not literally… unless they are hot, then do it). But for all intent and purposes, passionate music fans aren’t music snobs, they are people with something unique.

NERDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just because someone knows the third drummer for Steely Dan doesn’t make them a music snob, it makes them kind of weird because Steely Dan is one of those bands where the drums never really took center stage. Also, Steely Dan had much more focus on the lyrics and the witty words contained therein.

Whoops! Off topic, but you get my point. Knowledge is power. Why is it that because you or someone you know is very familiar with music, all of a sudden they are a music snob? I just figure the person I’m talking to is an idiot, but if you know this isn’t true you can’t do that.

Example: Let’s say that there is a little old lady in Kansas and she has every Precious Moments figurine set ever made, her house is filled with them. Now imagine someone comes to her house and asks her about them and she goes on for hours and knows every little detail. Is she a Precious Moments snob? No, she is a cute little old lady who baked you some fucking cookies and knows her shit. She was a fucking nurse for all we know, she spent years saving people’s lives and now she spends time being knowledgeable about her hobby. Her husband died and now all she has are these figures and you want to call her a figurine snob?  Don’t you remember how delicious her lemonade was? it had fucking pulp in it! How dare you?

Knowledge is very important. You need it to fully appreciate anything. Don’t fall into the trappings of the music snobs and only know a few bands, know as many as you can! Music is life and love to many; in other words, the more knowledge you have, the less of a music snob you are.

Now as for intelligence being confused for music snobbery, that’s just a moronic argument, stemming from confused morons. Maybe they dropped their black hair dye in the toilet or they got up on the wrong side of their ditch.

A personal example of this was a recent interview I conducted. I asked some questions that were deeper and focused than many others and the interviewee even made a comment about how the questions were good.

Another interviewer from a rival music site chose to refer to me as a music snob. His reasons were that my questions were too in depth and that I discussed the relevance of the fans in relation to the band and how they react. This makes me a music snob? Really?

I work for an up and coming music blog and I was chosen to interview one of my favorite groups, so of course I asked in-depth questions. Musicians know music, they haven’t seen a lot of recent movies, they don’t know dates and names, and they know their work.

If someone is talking about something in more conceptual terms or even more sophisticated than you are, don’t write them off with a simple word such as a, “snob.” And if you are talking about bands like Arcade Fire or something and you know a lot about them, don’t feel bad. After all, the person you are talking to probably knows a lot about something too. Rest assured, you aren’t a music snob, you are just intelligent about it. But then again, I see the comments on this site, so maybe you are more of an “Idiot Savant.” That’s a whole other argument, however.

A fiery passion, unrivaled knowledge, and intelligence do not make anybody a music snob. A true music snob cannot appreciate or enjoy things on different levels, they know or like one thing and they stick with it and refuse to change. Stubbornness has no place in music. Music is about progression, entertainment, art, love, and life. Okay, that sounded a little pretentious, but the fact of the matter is, don’t let music snobs confuse themselves with you and definitely become more knowledgeable about Steely Dan because they kick fucking ass.

Please leave any comments calling me a music snob below. Thank you.

The defense rests.

Check Out:

POYKPAC – Hipster Olympics

-Michael Roffman, Editor in Chief

Dear hipsters and music snobs,

Why do you hate minorities, your heritage and people who are different from you so much?

…and want the world to starve?

Okay, let me explain.

Music fans under a certain age hate a lot of things in the music world and one of these is Southern Rock from the U.S.

I would love an actual reason but instead I have compiled this list. Let’s take a gander, shall we?

1. I hate American foreign and domestic policy, so I must hate anything any politician I hate would listen to.

You suck, no seriously, you do, and you are being close-minded about a kind of art because someone you think is dumb might like it. So what happens when your mentally handicapped cousin starts listening to Vampire Weekend? Commit suicide?

I hate politicians just as much as the next guy, but I’ll tell you this. I go to a lot of shows and I see a lot of people who I probably wouldn’t talk to in real life, but in the end, that doesn’t stop me from enjoying the show.

You can’t let people you hate ruin a genre of music. Life is too short and music is too plentiful to be close-minded. So what if half of the senate is rocking out to .38 Special on Capitol Hill. Maybe if everyone could get together and get down with some .38 Special, we could solve world hunger.

2. I grew up in (insert small town, USA), and therefore I can’t listen to this countrified rock music that my dad might have listened to.

Oh, okay standard rebel bullshit here. Get over it. Just accept that deep in your blood, there’s a yell of “Freebird” waiting to get out. There is nothing wrong with rebelling against your situation but don’t write off your heritage. Southern rock is one of the few music genres that Americans have owned forever. Give it a listen! There is something in there for you. Just remember, people who forget their heritage are denying their place in the global community.

Figure that last sentence out. It’s some deep shit, trust me.

3. Ball shredding rock ‘n’ roll music with a strong influence from Tejano, Blues, and Jazz music makes my skinny jeans blow off.

Okay, here we get to the meat of the argument. As stated, Southern rock is very American and one of the reasons for this is that America is a melting pot of different colors, creeds, and backgrounds.

If you look at the top southern acts, Allman Brothers, Skynyrd, .38 Special, and others, they have one thing in common: a real connection to blues from the south (shh! that means they like black music). These Southern rock bands had a steady diet of country music from Nashville mixed with some real blues from Mississippi and Georgia.

They took these new sounds and fell in love with them. They traveled to blues bars, they played in blues bars, and they invested time in learning about music.

Now the British were also listening to American blues and jazz music, but they didn’t quite have the country influence, so they made metal music, which is understandable, but I don’t see anyone roll their eyes or scoff at metal (probably too scared).

I know I have Tejano music up there and there’s good reason. Texas is also the south and two of the best bands from Texas have ties to Southern Rock, ZZ Top and Reverend Horton Heat.

Both of these bands basically did what Gregg and Duane Allman and Dickey Betts did but later in time. They took music from another culture that was different from them and with love and care mixed it with their own style to create something iconic and American.

So look at it like this, if every one of us took time to experience another culture’s music, wouldn’t we be a more peaceful society> I say Peace, Love, and a 23-minute version of “Whipping Post.”

4. None of my friends who look exactly like me listen to it so I don’t want to upset the delicate balance around our hookah.

You know what, I got nothing; I mean I don’t even know how to talk to hookah smokers. But I have six identical skull belt buckles if you and your friends are interested.

1. Southern Rock died when Duane Allman died, man.

I know man, I know.

Alright I know I have been a little negative here today, but for all the genres of music out there, Southern rock gets a bad rap. It features highly proficient technical skills, soulful lyrics, worldly influence, and incites passion in its fans, how it can really be that bad.

Plus, if every person who reads this were to go listen to some Southern Rock, we could end world hunger, racism on a global scale and intolerance.

…or you might discover a new band or two you might like.

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