There is more truth in this blind statement than there could ever be in anything I’ll ever write. Rock music is such a relative art form. Some kids love Green Day. Others enjoy Animal Collective. Your cup of tea is just that: YOUR CUP OF TEA. For this reason, I have decided to write about what I want to write about. If you have a problem with that, tear my writing apart with hyper intelligent quips regarding my lack of knowledge on the subjects I am assigned to write about. Do it. That’s what’s so hypnotically attractive about free will! You don’t have to like it. In fact, I encourage you to hate it. Your standards of excellence in rock journalism are obviously far too ambitious for you to dabble any longer with the swill I [Chris De Salvo] insist on concocting on a weekly basis!

They don’t pay us to sling our opinions in your collective direction. That’s fine. I don’t do it for the money. I enjoy it. I may be God awful, but they’ve given me a chance to put that underachievement on display. I’m grateful for this, and will continue to do this. However, if I find myself at a Grand Duchy concert and notice my eye lids are moving over my eyes like the Nazis over Poland in 1939, I’m going to write about it. I don’t care if it’s Frank Black, or Kurt Cobain’s corpse-come-back-to-life. If something entirely sucks, I’m going to use my [very] humble opinion to explain why. This is my “job.” This is why my tickets were comped. I’m not afraid to insist that aging legends are human. I love Frank Black. He seems like a decent enough guy, but not everything he touches turns to gold. In fact, his latest band is about as exciting to experience live as waiting for an amoeba to tap dance with the fervor of one Fred Astaire.

Lester Bangs once said that New Wave music was “shit,” because it was “just too good.” Not everyone reading the Village Voice in February 1981 was going to agree with what Bangs so defiantly proclaimed. Does that mean he shouldn’t have scribbled such a bold statement? Hell, no. He wrote from the heart, and though many of his works were littered with contradictions, most readers eventually fell in love with his oft-odd interpretation of what a “music review” actually consisted of.

Hunter S. Thompson often made shit up. If you’ve done any kind of research on the gonzo-bard, you’d know this. He was rumored to have been able to drink an alcoholic army of wife-beaters under the table, and later insisted most of those decadent stories were insanely embellished. Regardless, he wrote in a stream-of-consciousness manner that revealed the voice of a sensitive mad-man who hardly had a credible grasp on the way the world worked. He simply told his story, based on the loose-outlines his editors provided him. This got him into trouble more often than it filled his perpetually empty pockets, but it made him a memorable scribe in his own right.

Let me get something straight, before I plunge forth with my less-than-mediocre vocabulary, and elementary-level prose: I am not comparing myself to these two brilliant, troubled, deceased journalists. Are you kidding me? That notion makes me chuckle. Not laugh, chuckle. It’s that ridiculous.

The truth is, I’d never aspire to be either of these men because they hardly achieved anything solid. Sure, they amassed meteor-sized bodies of work, respectively. Yes, each were mentioned in songs by respected artists, depicted on the big screen by great actors (Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Johnny Depp), spoken of more as folk-lore than actual human beings, et al… That’s all great. That’s fine, but writing isn’t something that paid off for either of them in the long run. Neither died with much of a net worth, and though money isn’t every thing, it’s certainly been on everyone’s mind since the stock market did a nose dive into a water-less deep end.

Writing is little more than a nice exercise for people (like… me?) who have a difficult time developing a full-length story to produce over a great deal of time. Or, it’s a glorified practice of escapism for relatively young men and woman looking to prolong their looming adulthood well past the college-grad deadline. “True writers” want to produce something that glorifies their voice: A screen play. A novel. A musical. These things take time, and sometimes it’s easier to just bang out a few “concert reviews” for the Hell of it. Why? They don’t mean anything. They are informative dissertations on the events of random evenings during which rock and roll bands attempt to impress those who forked over $8 to see them. That’s all.

It’s often assumed rock “critics” are merely supposed to produce an objective review of the concert in question without an ominous jolt of editorializing, or personal angst. Sorry. Can’t do that. Won’t do that. Why? I don’t write for people who adhere to the “standards” overachieving high school seniors pledge allegiance to as they strive for Valedictorian status. I write for me. That’s the one thing I have in common with the aforementioned journalism-legands. That, and that alone makes me happy. If you’re less-than-happy after reading this column, I don’t care. If you’re rolling your eyes because you think I think I’m better than you, congratulations! You’re not alone.

Yin and yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole.* In other words, a living, breathing oxymoron. Speaking of which, Mötley Crüe bassist Nikki Sixx has recently gone on record expressing endearing interest in collaborating with American Idol winner/Country Music super-star Carrie Underwood.

Stop laughing. Stop rolling your eyes. This is verified, serious information.

Ever since Underwood’s unabashed cover of the Crüe’s “Home Sweet Home” for American Idol, rumors have circulated regarding the authenticity of Underwood’s love of the world’s most decadent band. How could this be? This is a young woman who makes Dr. Joyce Brothers look like the lead singer of Slayer. Is she really a Crüe fan, or do publicity stunts reign supreme?

Let’s do the math: The 2004 American Idol winner is a PETA-endorsed vegetarian whose wholesome image winners her legions of new Country fans everyday. She’s recently earned Country Music’s most coveted title as “Entertainer of the Year,” an award dominated by men since it’s 1967 inception** Her incessant support of the U.S. Military, and her Baptist Faith have won over both sides of the political spectrum as she’s quickly become a young woman who’s impossible to loathe.

Motley Crüe is widely regarded as “the world’s most notorious rock band.” Its drummer has Hepatitis-C. Its bass player has been legally dead for two minutes. Its lead guitarist looks like a Tim Burton character brought to life by unearthly amounts of animated electricity. Lead singer Vince Neil is a cross between an underachieving Soprano and a spokesperson for the overuse of tanning beds the world over. He’s also gone under the knife for a VH-1-based reality show about the resurgence of a faded Rock Star. Oh, he also ran someone over with a car. That said person is now six feet under the ground.

I guess the question to be posed here is a well-thought out, bluntly delivered assertion of doubt: Really?

The winner here is obvious, and the loser is equally conspicuous. Carrie Underwood’s image is cleaner than a fully recovered junkie, and yet she insists on teaming up with a band whose greatest sonic effort was entitled, “Dr. Feelgood.” Doesn’t her staunchly religious upbringing require her to engage in activities that exclude pleasure? She’s still a bachelorette. As an unmarried young woman, aren’t her pursuits supposed to include only virginal activities? It’s difficult to image any member of Motley Crüe having ever been virgins.

What can be gained from this temporary union? For The Crüe, one whole hell of a lot. They’ll have been given a second chance by thousands (ahem, okay, millions) of fans that have likely turned their back on the 1980s like the rest of us.

Hair Metal is to Gospel… Drugs are to Holy Wine… Infected Blood is to Purity… Which of these word associations would be placed on a SAT test? More like an “STD test.”

Chances are this “attraction of opposites” will be a lucrative endeavor. Everything Carrie Underwood has touched since her Idol victory has turned to gold. She hasn’t missed yet, and her career’s a long way from cooling off, but this PR-move is rife with systematic miscalculations. But, this certainly won’t help her ascent-ion… Have you ever looked directly into Mick Mars’ lifeless eyes? I hear that if you do so for more than seven seconds, you are sent directly to Hell (and you’ll wake up with track marks, and a depleted liver), no questions asked.

Maybe Underwood should have taken advice from her most notorious Idol-judge, and merely appeared in a video with the aging MC Skat Kat. Country music superstars are far more likely to serenade animated creatures than team up with drug-addled, heavily made-up male versions of Liza Minelli.

As it should be.

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* – thanks Wikipedia

** – The only other female award-winner were Loretta Lynn [1972], Dolly Parton [1978], Barbara Mandrell [1980, ‘81], Reba McEntire [1986], Shania Twain [1999], and The Dixie Chicks [2000]