We won’t. Well, we understand there are plenty of festivals out there, but we’re always keen on finding out about new ones. It’s actually sort of intriguing how many pop up each year. Every state in the country’s in on the game. Florida, Oklahoma, Georgia, one of the Dakotas (can’t remember which one; maybe both), Maine, etc., etc. This list could go on for hours. Still, we’d love to see more.

But, we don’t want to just see any festival. We like when they throw us a curveball…with spit on it. We want something fresh, something unique, and something that shatters expectations. One way in which this has been effective is how certain festivals have tagged curators. As of late, we’ve witnessed some strange folks behind festivals. Matt Groening, anyone? So, with the likes of Jeff Mangum and Portishead hosting some saucy festivities this year, it got us thinking: Who else would we want behind the proverbial festival wheel?

So, we put together a list. You’ve probably heard of these folks. They’re pretty creative; in other words, we figured they’d offer something fresh, unique, and they’d not only shatter our expectations, they’d shatter your expectations. What are you waiting for? Take a gander. Not only did we issue a list of names, but we’ve also surmised what they could offer, too. It’s a little hopeful, it’s a little borderline fan fiction (okay, it is), but it was fun. Besides, maybe, just maybe, one of them will see this and that lil’ lightbulb will spark some.

Sh’yeah, right.

-Michael Roffman
President/Editor-in-Chief

Feature artwork by Cap Blackard.

David Lynch

Lynchville: Where the birds sing a pretty song and there’s always music in the air.

There’s a kind of inevitability about the idea that one day soon David Lynch will get to curate his own music fest. Small towns have featured big in his films so Lynchville would be a natural name for it. The guy has the imagination and vision to conceive a host of shows simultaneously, so the event will be a multimedia one encompassing a raft of small gigs sitting comfortably alongside a big stage; a kind of mini SXSW with cinematic sideshows and all manner of life’s little curios. Several locations come to mind but Snoqualmie Falls, a key setting for Twin Peaks gets the call. Musical director Angelo Badlamenti could set up base at The Roadhouse and host late evening shows ending with Julee Cruise reprising “Rockin’ Back Inside My Heart” from the pivotal Episode 14. The Bookhouse Boys (UK band) might be the house band and in homage to the enigmatic character from Mulholland Drive, the Legendary Stardust Cowboy would get to play “Paralyzed”.

The David Lynch Foundation already has a foot in several musical doors and recently announced a Pledge campaign bringing together big names and emerging artists. Many would be a shoe-in for Lynchville; expect Tom Waits, Peter Gabriel and Iggy Pop for starters. The big news would be a kind of Beatles reunion. Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr supported the DLF launch but it might take all of Lynch’s persuasive powers to persuade them that Liam and Noel Gallagher could settle their brotherly differences and take the Lennon and Harrison roles. Soon Brian Wilson and Mike Love would be rumoured to be making guest appearances. That’s until Liam decides the medley from Pet Sounds is a fooking stupid idea. At which point I can decamp to The Roadhouse and chill out with Lady Lamb The Beekeeper while deciding whether it will be Audrey or Donna on the back of the Harley.

-Tony Hardy

Warren Ellis

Warren Ellis is an archon of alternative culture. No, not the Australian musician – the British comic book author. There’s few genres he hasn’t written and few lines he’s not crossed. Ellis is man with one foot constantly stepping into the neon-lit puddle of the near future. His iconic comic series Transmetropolitan is a cyber punk tribute to Hunter S. Thompson, Doktor Sleepless is an anarchist’s cookbook for those of us disillusioned by a future without jetpacks, and its sister book, Captain Swing, is a steam punk send-up to rebellions that once were and might have been. Biohackers, body modders, burlesque dancers, cyborgs in training, all walks of counterculture lifeforms look to Ellis as a man of bold ideas. An event of his devising would be a glorious freakshow and no ordinary festivity – it would be the future kicking violently against the amniotic sac of now.

First of all- Ellis’ festival doesn’t officially exist, but word travels fast. Messages on walls irl and virtual, word of mouth, and murmurs in social streams leak the times and places of events. Secret art shows in New York City catacombs, a techno seance in a haunted hotel, hackerspaces and maker collectives are alive with devious projects… the underbellies of major metropolitan areas explode with life the world over. Sure, there would be plenty of “official” shows at eclectic locales such as Los Angeles’ The Edison and other established dens of counter culture, but that’s not the heart of this “festival”. Any street corner can be part the show with the right hashtag. Grinders wearing fabricated Doktor Sleepless masks deploy LED throwies en masse and leave warnings of eschaton events approaching. Who’s playing, you ask? Who isn’t playing. If it’s electronic, dark, experimental, or all of the above it’s on. Since Throbbing Gristle can’t make it, there’s a tribute show of underground music’s finest giving them the send off they deserve. Coilhouse hosts the most sought after secret shows including Beats Antique, Zola Jesus, and a slew of acts so underground you’ve probably only seen them on Ellis’ twitter. With this much artistic anarchy unfurling on the streets it might just force the future into the present.

-Cap Blackard

Tom Waits

Tom Waits concluded his acceptance speech at his recent Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction by saying, “This has been very encouraging.” Who would have thought that the 61-year-old lounge act turned beatboxing junkman was in need of a pat on the back. Was this typical tongue-in-cheek Waits, or was it an indication that this old rain dog might be working on a new trick?

A Tom Waits-curated festival would likely take place near his home in Sonoma County, California, in the heart of wine country, which would suit Waits fine because he’s always said, “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.” With the aid of friend director/animator Terry Gilliam’s visual design, Waits might be inclined to embrace the circus/carnival motif he as always shown a fondness for, with stages under big top tents and an authentic early 19th century freak show along the midway. (Don’t be surprised if you find Waits reprising his “Lucky Day Overture” carnival barker role, megaphoning popular attractions like Jo Jo the Dogface Boy, Priscilla the Monkey Woman, and The Human Pincushion.) Got a question? Then stop by the festival information tent. They won’t be able to tell you which act is playing where or when, but they can answer questions about the mating habits of spiders, tell you all about swastika-shaped pasta , and advise you on what to do if you by chance have a family of bullfrogs living in your stomach.

Waits would have to look no further than his Rolodex to put together an eclectic festival lineup. Norah Jones and blues guitarist John P. Hammond, both of whom have covered Waits, could be there. (Would Scarlet Johansson drop by? Would she promise not to sing?) Sonoma neighbor/frequent collaborator Les Claypool and Primus would likely take a break from sailing the seas of cheese to play a set. But there are some potential really big “gets” here, too. Does Waits entice old friend and collaborator Keith Richards to bring Mick and the boys across the pond? Does Neil Young, who inducted Waits into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, possibly show up? And if Neil is onboard, is there a potential Buffalo Springfield appearance in the works? And if all of this fell through, Waits could probably just gather everyone around and talk about all the towns he knows named after bodily secretions. Spittleville anyone?

-Matt Melis

Anthony Bourdain

Chef/author/TV host/badass at large Anthony Bourdain burst into the public eye with his 2000 memoir Kitchen Confidential, altering his status from well-regarded executive chef at New York’s Les Halles to multimedia superstar. While we’re yet to see the release of Bourdain’s debut LP (fingers crossed), his musical tastes are certainly on display throughout his other outlets. As opinionated about music as he is about food, the dude even wrote a big op-ed on the CBGB scene for Spin.com, where he calls the Sex Pistols a “proto N’Sync”.

Unless he has some necromancy or time travel skills we don’t know about, his first choice of headliners (The Ramones [one of his books is dedicated to Joey, Johnny, and Dee Dee]) are probably out. His brash, smirking, unapologetic style and love of punk and hard rock would certainly be on display, nabbing Iggy and the Stooges (playing straight through Fun House), a briefly reunited Television, and the New York Dolls at the top of the bill, along with Queens of the Stone Age (all bands mentioned on his No Reservations travel/food show). A 2006 Rhapsody playlist also included major gets Public Enemy, and re-reunited The Cult. Don’t be surprised if a bit of his globe-trotting has influence as well, drawing some of the best punk from around the world. Plus, I think we’re all ready for pho and roasted bone marrow at the food booths.

-Adam Kivel

Jack White

It’s hard to think about 21st century rock and roll without having the name Jack White come to mind. The frontman of one of the most influential and important bands of the generation, The White Stripes, the founder of Third Man Records, the creator of two super groups, The Raconteurs and The Dead Weather, and an avid supporter of the vinyl medium, White has made an undeniable mark on the music world that is his own. Recognized by nearly every major media outlet and music fanatic as the current “King of Rock”, White is constantly releasing music in some medium, with Rome, a project between Danger Mouse and Danielle Luppi, being his latest. It is more than clear that now after over 20 years in the business, two albums with both of his super groups, and the disbanding of The White Stripes, it seems that White’s next move could be his biggest yet.

Imagine Paint It White, a music festival taking place a little outside of Nashville, Tennessee spanning over White’s birthday weekend of July 9th and 10th. Featuring two legends, Bob Dylan & B.B. King as headliners, with MIA and Yeah Yeah Yeahs serving as female subheadliners, respectively the festival would look to host a plethora of acts ranging over multiple genres, including The Kills, Beck, Conan O’Brien doing the festivals only-yet-crucial-comedy set, Cold War Kids, Loretta Lynn, the aforementioned Rome Project, and Third Man Records own Wanda Jackson.

With White at the helm, the festival would look to host two stages, multiple venues, including Third Man’s own Record Store Truck, and artist signings along with Q&A’s, the last of which keeps to White’s core value. The artists would plan on sitting down for the Q&As, not for press, but rather for fans, for whom this aspect of the festival would be a dream. White’s festival would be constructed as an event for the fans, with practically every aspect, from the artists to ticket prices, chosen with the fans in mind. Tickets wouldn’t be cheap, but thinking about White, it’s hard to think that there wouldn’t be some form of a layaway plan much like Coachella’s and most probably some form of camping. It would be a rock and roll fan’s dream, with rock and roll’s 21st century god leading the way.

-Arya Davachi

Quentin Tarantino

The Southern California writer/director has been one of the biggest names in cinema for the past twenty or so years…and rightfully so. Quentin Tarantino has been referred to (by the cartoon version of Kevin Smith’s Clerks) as a “pop-culture junkie, loudmouth”, and that is exactly why he would be a fantastic festival curator. His love of music, both strange and mainstream, has helped serve his films well. He has even gone on to admit that he usually picks songs before he even writes the scenes….a technique few to none use when writing films.

With a Tarantino-based festival, you can bet on some quality hip hop showing up, as he still keeps in touch with Wu-Tang wizard the RZA. As far as other music, he would probably book a lot of older oddities that most of the population has either never heard of, or barely remembers (rare surf-rock tracks, strange television singers, etc). A couple other of his quirky traits, primarily his love of kung-fu/westerns and an obsession with comic books, would lead one to believe that there would certainly be a film tent, stage, or in-between show displaying all sorts of kung-fu films, or Grindhouse-style features. With Tarantino, you know things are going to get weird….but that’s all we can expect from the guy who played Richard Gecko.

-Ted Maider

Wes Anderson

Photo by New York Times

Obsessively involved in all aspects of his film’s production, from the cinematography to the soundtrack, Wes Anderson is an ideal candidate to curate a festival, and also possesses some very dry humour. However, we do have one issue to reckon with: Steely Dan. Now, it’s hard to imagine band leaders Donald Fagen and Walter Becker being anything other than talented, sweet anti-heroes, but they are also a tad irate. Around 2006, the two sent Anderson a “letter of intervention”, wryly detailing their concerns for his career and offering their services. As yet, Anderson hasn’t taken up this offer, and Steely Dan are probably in correspondence with some other indie art director by now, but a festival is a prime opportunity for them to make their presence felt once more.

But here’s another issue. Many of Anderson’s musical heroes that have featured in his films are dead. Long ago, we could have had the most wonderful weekend of performances by Erik Satie and Ravel taking the classical slot, Burl Ives, The Bobby Fuller Four, Yves Montad, Vilayat Khan, Joe Dassin, Art Tatum and Django Reinhardt representing in a folk, sitar and jazz ensemble, Elliott Smith, John Lennon, and Nick Drake mesmerising us with their haunting take on the world, but alas we can’t!

However, Anderson still has some connections, the lesser known duo Hackman Murray is a delightful proposition, taking their cue from the English Chas ‘n’ Dave, with Hackman’s spoken word rendering of Rihanna’s “Umbrella” as Murray hits up the spoons a joy to behold.* And we still have a stellar list of acts spanning the continents, from the Americas (Paul Simon, Velvet Underground, and Seu Jorge), and Europe (The Kinks (though difficult to get), Mark Mothersbaugh, Donovan, Rolling Stones, The Who, David Bowie, Peter Sarstedt, Scott Walker, and The Zombies). There aren’t many women on Anderson’s soundtracks, but do not fear, Anjelica Huston is on hand to represent (along with sometime Anderson collaborator Noah Baumbach) with the recently formed folk group, Poignantly Flawed Characters (they have been going down a storm in Newfoundland).

The festival has the promise of a heady mix of nostalgia, early American and British Folk, and Jarvis Cocker, but it can work, it can reach the “new level of beauty” that David Bowie felt Jorge’s Portuguese versions of his songs reached, and if not, we can always make like Royal Tenenbaum and go to where the action is happening: “Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin’ the cemetery?”

*Also available for weddings.

-Siobhán Kane

Conan O’Brien

It’s pretty obvious by now that Conan O’Brien digs rock ‘n’ roll. He’s pals with Jack White, he’s appeared at Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival, and last year he exited The Tonight Show to the Southern guitar lines of Skynyrd. To date, he continues to book top of the line talent – The Kills, PJ Harvey, The Strokes, Queens of the Stone Age to name a few – and, as we witnessed in his recent documentary, Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop, he cherishes his collection of guitars. In fact, his office always has one in it. Basically, the guy lives for music.

So, a music festival makes sense. But any gig with O’Brien at the helm would mean two things: lots of rock ‘n’ roll and absolute absurdity. No complaints there. To keep things traditional and true to character, the summer fiesta would be titled, Coco Extravaganza 3000, celebrating Tom Hanks’ wonderful nickname for the late-night legend (and a slight nod to the former, now NBC-owned sketch), and it could really only take place in one locale: Finland.

Set in the middle of July, the festival would feature two stages, both combining comedy and strictly rock ‘n’ roll. The main comedy event would see Conan O’Brien returning to perform, this time with a new stage show that focuses on the faux takeover of Finland territories. Joining him would be established comedians like sidekick Andy Richter, Denis Leary, Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, Stephen Colbert, and George Lopez, in addition to special appearances by T.J. Miller, Uncle’s Brother (aka Tim Meadows, Joe Canale and Brad Morris), and James Lipton. All of the festival’s artwork would be provided by fellow friend Matt Groening, who would appear as his animated self, curating the main stage.

The focus wouldn’t necessarily be on O’Brien, however. Tickets would sell out immediately at word of its musical “gets”. The festival’s two headliners would be Bruce Springsteen & The E-Street Band, in addition to the first reunion of The White Stripes. The Boss would crack open the first day, while Mr. White would close out the second. Other acts to flesh out the lineup would include: Beck, Thom Yorke, Eddie Vedder, Bob Weir, Chuck Berry, and Big Audio Dynamite, to name a “few”. In a landmark event, following the Stripes’ legendary performance, there would also be “The Absolutely, Remarkably, Super-Mega Jam”, featuring the Stripes, O’Brien, Vedder, Derek Trucks, Jimmy Vivino and the Basic Cable Band, in addition to a slew of comedians, ranging from the aforementioned Leary to surprise walk-outs like Will Ferrell, Jimmy Fallon, Tyler Perry, and Jack Black. The jam would be a 45 minute rendition of “Louie, Louie” into the Stray Cat’s “Rock this Town”.

There would be no second year.

-Michael Roffman

Banksy

It starts when a post-card comes in the mail. On one side is an address of seven-story office building in London that is in between renovations (D.C. residents think Artomatic) and a date (the date is some semiotic cipher to be sure). On the reverse a stencil of John Lennon with graffiti text behind him that says “Stop Imagining.”

Banksy then acquires the phone numbers of members in the bands he selects and texts his chosen bands: “PLAY BANKSY FESTIVAL. NO $$$. MY PLANS. WORTH IT? REPLY YES OR NO”. Most bands think it’s a hoax, and ignore it. But those lucky few who decide to respond are already in the know. They know that if you get a text from Banksy, you comply: Thom Yorke, Massive Attack, The Cure, The Prodigy, Björk, Pulp, Justice, Big Audio Dynamite, Roxy Music, The Chameleons UK, and DJ Shadow. That’s it.

Bands would be more or less installations, playing at various corners of the gutted floors with minimal attention to flair. There would be no set times — it would all just be word of mouth as to who was playing when and where and crowds would have to explore the environment and the floors to figure out what was happening and where people seemed to be heading. Chaos, sure, but it would foster a sense of rumor and excitement within the festival itself.

Sponsors? Banksy would get Apple to sponsor, promising Apple to put their logo on the entrance. Everyone would be in an uproar about how Banksy sold out, but as expected Banksy would deface the logo in some clever visual pun giving the usual middle finger to capitalism.

With a man as enigmatic and mischievous as Banksy, really… anything could happen. It could just be a giant hoax, an artful “punking” from someone whose emergence into the spotlight the last couple years has earned him so much recognition that it can’t sit too well with him. Everyone shows up and there’s just an action figure of John Lennon with “Imagine” being played at half time through laptop speakers.

I’d still go.

-Jeremy Larson

Kevin Smith

Despite a couple of recent cinematic missteps (namely Cop Out), a turn for the darker side of film genres (Red State — it’s coming), and an alleged end to the “View Askewniverse” saga, Kevin Smith is ever the showman. Smith’s production company, The Harvey Boys, continues to bring independent filmmaking back toward its more-affordable grassroots era. And with recent acclaim via podcasts and sold out Q&A’s nationwide, why wouldn’t Smith expand his upon on-stage talents?

Now, Kevin Smith has admitted to being behind on the musical times before (just listen to the soundtracks for Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back or Clerks II). However, it’s obvious his heart digs good vibrations. Combine this with humor and a passion for his home state of New Jersey, and, well, antics must ensue. I’d wager Smith a fan of Hopscotch Festival‘s format, only touring a couple of reunited lesser-knowns around venues or parking lots local to Red Bank, Leonardo, Asbury Park, et cetera.

Expect Kevin Smith’s Garden State Weed-Out Festival to include Liz Phair, Ric Ocasek, Tom Tom Club, Soul Asylum, and one or two metal acts for underground clubs (courtesy of Jason Mewes). Calling, King Diamond? Better yet, Mercyful Fate? Fortunately, for the mandatory comedy bills, Smith wouldn’t need to look far for talent (himself included), and perhaps a rapport with Playboy (thanks to his wife) could make this soiree that much classier. Snoochie boochies? Oh, even Mewes would agree to that.

-David Buchanan

Shot entirely in stunning, surveillance-aping monochrome, utilizing a stockpile of complete unknowns, director Kevin Smith and producer Scott Mosier broke credit card limits and filmed at Smith’s place of work — Quick Stop/RST Video @ Leonardo, NJ — to create this time capsule. Before the underrated break-up opus Mallrats, the star-studded religious satire of Dogma, or the household names of Jay & Silent Bob, many purists still hearken back to “lucky number 37″ Dante Hicks and his foul-mouthed counterpart, Randal Graves of RST Video.

While the film is loaded with clever retorts and obscene commentary on pop culture, most people seem to neglect Clerks as a musical entity. Chock full of staple acts like Alice In Chains, The Jesus Lizard, and Corrosion Of Conformity, tucking plenty of film quotes in between, it’s a known fact that Smith and Mosier spent $28,000 on acquiring the rights to use the music they picked (the film alone only cost them $27,575). After all was said and done, a music video got produced in tandem for Soul Asylum’s “Can’t Even Tell”; filmed on location at Quick Stop, wrapped around a roof hockey reference, good times are to be had by all.

The Clerks OST sums up everything about ’90s young adult derision and its impact on society, complementing attitude with amplitude and allowing room for both witty quotations and suitable background audio. There are obvious moments where a song makes the scene, such as the quintessential opening credits featuring “Clerks” by New Jersey alt-rock outfit Love Among Freaks. The movie became a vehicle for the band, in part, as they also performed the soundtrack inclusion “Berserker”, and reappeared on the non-existent soundtrack to Chasing Amy. Unfortunately, Love Among Freaks only released one full studio album before dissipating into nostalgic bliss.

Other pivotal moments include: the introduction of Jay & Silent Bob receiving the Girls Against Boys treatment, “Kill The Sex Player” — a stoner rock tune (how appropriate) with plenty of fuzz and bass along for the ride; Jay attempting a break dance routine to the sound of Stabbing Westward’s “Violent Mood Swings [Thread Mix]“; the entrance of Randal Graves is accented by Alice In Chains’ bluesy “Got Me Wrong”, gelling his ultimate slacker persona for decades to come.

The Jesus Lizard’s “Panic In Cicero” is played during the fight scene between our lead ‘actors’, after Dante finally grows balls and strikes back (yes, we quote Star Wars too) against Randal’s hilarious but chaos-inducing behavior. This song could not be more appropriate for the biggest action scene in the film. Between covering classic rock tunes (Seaweed’s “Go Your Own Way”, Golden Smog’s “Shooting Star”), and twenty-somethings’ disdain for monotony they cannot seem to give up, what you get is a soundtrack to rival archetypal examples like Empire Records, Singles, and Reality Bites. To quote Randal Graves, “People say crazy shit during sex…one time I called this girl ‘Mom’”.  It probably has nothing at all to do with concluding this article, but if you were finally given an excuse to use it, would you not?

I worked at a convenience store for three years, set off fireworks in the parking lot on July 4th while blasting Bad Religion out of my van’s factory speakers, so needless to say this soundtrack and film bring back memories. Draw your own conclusions, then go listen up, have a ‘free’ Gatorade, and remind yourself why harassing the customers is fun, no matter what you do for a living in your twenties. Even Nick Hornby and Cameron Crowe would approve.

Clerks Original Motion Picture Soundtrack playlist:

01. Dante’s Lament
02. “Clerks” – Love Among Freaks
03. “Kill the Sex Player” – Girls Against Boys
04. No Time For Love, Dr. Jones
05. “Got Me Wrong” – Alice In Chains
06. Randal & Dante on Sex
07. “Making Me Sick” – Bash & Pop
08. Bunch of Muppets, A
09. “Chewbacca” – Supernova
10. “Panic in Cicero” – The Jesus Lizard
11. “Shooting Star” – Golden Smog
12. “Leaders and Followers” – Bad Religion
13. I Like to Expand My Horizons
14. “Violent Mood Swings” – Stabbing Westward (Thread mix)
15. “Berserker” – Love Among Freaks
16. “Big Problems” – Corrosion of Conformity
17. “Go Your Own Way” – Seaweed
18. Social Event of the Season
19. “Can’t Even Tell” – Soul Asylum
20. Jay’s Chant