Whitney Houston’s last known recording is a R.Kelly-produced duet with Jordin Sparks called “Celebrate”, which will appear on the soundtrack to the forthcoming film Sparkle. (Both Houston and Sparks appear in the film.) Right now, you can stream the track at  RyanSeacrest.com.

Sparkle hits theaters on August 17th.

After dropping the club-ready video for “It’s On” earlier this week, R. Kelly returns with “Feelin’ Single”, a cut from his forthcoming 12th album, Write Me Back. To a disco-funk groove, complete with brash horns and wobbly synths, Kels avoids the lonely sting of a break-up by getting back on his feet to hit the town hard and nab honies galore. Stream it below.

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“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.” -Willy Wonka

ASAP Rocky – “Goldie”

Rappers flaunting their bling is pretty well-worn territory at this point. But Harlem MC ASAP Rocky still manages to take his love of gold to a whole new level with his 24kt sunglasses, teeth, gun, and sneakers. It begs the question: just because something can be covered in gold, does that necessarily mean it should be?

Dent May – “Best Friend”

Filmed in Dent May’s home state of Mississippi, this is definitely one of the more bizarre homecomings you’ve ever seen. It looks like someone dropped acid and then hit up a Williamsburg thrift store for some ironic t-shirts.

Hallelujah The Hills – “Get Me In A Room”

And here I thought the best place to see hipsters awkwardly dancing was at a Wilco concert. Thanks Halleluah The Hills.

Kanye West – “Lost in the World”

Clocking in at a comparatively short four-and-a-half minutes, Yeezy’s latest video may seem destined to become one of his minor visual accompaniments. Nevertheless, there’s enough sexy models, smoke, and mirrors to make it well worth at least a few views.

The Magnetic Fields – “Quick!”

Just your typical story of one garbage can’s touching search for love. Get on it Disney.

Mary J. Blige feat. Rick Ross – “Why?”

No offense to Mary J, but am I the only one who finds it a little hard to believe that someone pretty as her would yearn for someone as…umm…full-figured as Rick Ross?

Moritat – “Cats”

The only thing that would have made this video even better is a cameo from legendary public access goofball Dr. Steve Brule. For your health.

R. Kelly feat. Ace Hood and DJ Khaled – “It’s On”

The saying goes: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. R.Kelly has been treating us to videos filled with curvaceous women (cough stripers cough), insane club parties, and huge entourages for 20 years now. His latest featuring DJ Khaled is no different, but never fear because he looks to be having just as much fun as ever.

Regina Spektor – “Call Them Brothers”

Regina Spektor breaks out the vintage Super 8 for her latest video. It plays like an old home movie, showing Spektor and a male companion being goofy and visiting various seaside locations. It’s guaranteed to make you glad it’s almost summer.

Tenacious D – “The Roadie”

Note to self: Never hire Danny McBride as my roadie. He’ll definitely give you more than a few laughs, but along the way he’ll also piss in your lemonade and steal your money.

After years of singing about voluptuous females while dressed in the fliest gear imaginable, R. Kelly stays true to his glossy wheelhouse with the music video for “It’s On”. Rolling up to club with his entourage, Ace Hood and DJ Khaled, Kelly, decked head-to-toe in leather and studs, outlines his forthcoming romantic endeavors with a very flexible gal while strippers work the pole in the background. Even if Kels is simply throwing the same party over and over, there’s no one who knows how to revel in the excess so gleefully. Watch the video below (via Miss Info).

“It’s On” is the first track off Kelly’s upcoming 11th album, Black Panties, due out sometime this year. Kelly’s 12th album, Write Me Back, could also see release in 2012. As always, stay tuned for more.

“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.” -Willy Wonka

Cloud Nothings – “Stay Useless”

Death Grips – “I’ve Seen Footage”

Ever click really fast through someone’s Facebook photos? This video from Death Grips gives you basically the same experience. Bonus points if you can spot the Lady Gaga cameo.

The Flaming Lips feat. New Fumes – “Girl, You’re So Weird”

And you thought Game of Thrones had a lot of nudity.

Glen Hansard – “Love Don’t Leave Me Waiting”

After sitting around the house all day doing chores, Glen Hansard apparently needed a vacation. Here, he hangs out and jams with some locals all while wearing a killer Team Zissou red beanie.

LP – “Halo” (Live from EastWest Studios)

Strictly physically speaking, with her bushy mop of hair and tiny stature, you probably couldn’t pick a better polar opposite to Beyonce than LP. But damn, she can make those notes soar in a way that would give even Queen B a run for her money.

Paul McCartney – “My Valentine”

One of the perks of being an ex-Beatle is having Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman’s number in your pocket in case you’re filming a new music video.

THEESatisfaction – “QueenS”

If any of you ever wondered what the wardrobe room probably looked like on the set of Do The Right Thing, look no further.

R. Kelly – “Share My Love”

Granted, while it’s no Trapped in the Closet, this video is still the closest we’ll ever get to partying at a club with R. Kelly.

School of Seven Bells – “Reappear”

Maybe it’s a combination of the song’s somber instrumentation and the video’s down-in-the-dumps subject matter, but don’t watch this one expecting an uplifting experience.

The Shins – “The Rifle’s Spiral”

The latest clip from James Mercer & co. recalls such animated classics as James and the Giant Peach. Except instead of a giant fruit at the center of the plot, there’s a giant, man-eating magic rabbit.

With Trapped in the Closet returning soon, R. Kelly dusts off his acting chops in the video for “Share My Love”, the lead single off his upcoming LP Write Me Back. The Director X-directed clips stays pretty true to it title with scenes of the crooner kicking it in the club with a few special somebodies. Check it out below.

I worship at the church of karaoke. The parishoners and I are there to confess and meditate, to feel welcomed by a community, to hear a good sermon or two, to perchance see someone speak in tongues and have the words of the Lord Bon Jovi be channeled through a mere mortal. And, of course, to have some drinks and venture to make complete fools out of ourselves.

Karaoke exists in a vacuum of taste, where anomalies and exceptions always seem to arise and mess with my preconceptions. Maybe, like me, this is the only time you can really tolerate a Billy Joel song. Maybe those two dudes doing Sum 41′s “Fat Lip” actually sound kinda good, or that girl who’s really giving it the old college try on “Since U Been Gone” elicits all this empathy, and dammit you can’t be mad because she’s having fun!

This list — boiled down, mind you, from literally hundreds of runner-ups — is an extension of that feeling that happens when you flip through the entire karaoke book and you don’t see one song you want to sing. After polling the staff and consulting some of my long-time karaoke buddies, these are the songs we all wish would be added to the karaoke canon that we personally have never seen before (we are excluding the deep cuts in Austin’s Karaoke Underground book).

And if it’s one thing most of these songs have in common, they’re totally depressing. Sorry. To make up for that, and in contrast to a lot of karaoke standards, a whole grip of these songs don’t require you to have a good voice. In fact, you could be totally tone-deaf and still do an absolutely kick-ass version of  The Fall’s “Totally Wired” because the song isn’t about impressing Cee-Lo and Adam Levine with pitch and tone, it’s about the performance. There’s plenty more like that on the list that I felt would always be fun — songs that don’t focus on notes as much as they do putting on a great show.

Don’t fret, choir nerds, it’s not all post-punk pogo-dance chant standards. There’s plenty of new vocal challenges all over the list, from tUnE-yArDs to Jeff Buckley to Dirty Projectors to Hasil Adkins. There’s a lot more. Who knows, there may even be another list further down the road. What songs would you like to sing at Karaoke that are never in the books? Let us know in the comments.

You can access the entire list on Spotify. Enjoy!

-Jeremy D. Larson
Managing Editor

Andrew Bird – “Fake Palindromes”

When to sing:  After a couple glasses of wine to keep the voice nice and velvety. It’s a short one.

Make sure to:  “Monsters?”

Animal Collective – “For Reverend Green”

When to sing: Get this out of the way early, but don’t lead with it. Avey Tare’s vocals on this are daunting, histrionic, and require full commitment or else you will be laughed off stage for singing Animal Collective at karaoke. No guarantees for that not happening anyway.

Make sure to: Differentiate between the two “Lucky child don’t know how lucky she is” parts.

Arcade Fire – “Keep The Car Running”

When to sing: Great lead-off song — not too difficult to sing, short and sweet, not too obscure, speaks for itself.

Make sure to: Totally go for it on the “Ohhhh ohhh” and punch the air on that final snare hit like a hero.

Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti – “Can’t Hear My Eyes”

When to sing: When you want to sing  “Brandi” by Looking Glass, but you can’t quite remember how the bridge goes, or even if there is a bridge to the song.

Make sure to: Not have a catastrophic meltdown, but you should really be laying down on the ground and arching your back over the monitors.

Azealia Banks – “212″

When to sing: After midnight, after your confidence level has peaked,  after you contemplate that Azealia Banks isn’t even old enough to do Karaoke and put this song out.

Make sure to: Have this shit well-rehearsed, because the cadence of “Bet you do like to slumber, don’t you?” is not going to come to you when you’re reading it off the teleprompter. Good luck deciding on whether or not to drop the C-bomb. That’s on you.

Beat Happening – “Cast A Shadow”

When to sing: When the eyelids are heavy, and the 500 yard stare can be trained on not just anyone, but definitely someone.

Make sure to: Study/mimic Ted Leo’s performance of it at Underground Karaoke at Matador 21.

Best Coast – “When I’m With You”

When to sing: Right after you get back inside from smoking a joint in the ally and you tell that cute guy that “this next song’s for you.”

Make sure to: Ask the DJ if he can turn up that reverb.

The Black Keys – “10 A.M. Automatic”

When to sing: When you can’t quite put into feelings that guy’s t-shirt with a bald eagle on it.

Make sure to:  Put a little extra spit on those vocals like they used to do.

Black Lips – “Bad Kids”

When to sing: After a round of Jager, or Car Bombs, or Liquid Cocaine, and after you tell them you’re absolutely not going to sing “Bohemian Rhapsody”.

Make sure to: Get, like, seven people on the stage.

Bon Iver – “Skinny Love”

When to sing: When you roll up to Karaoke solo, after several drinks isolated in a cold corner of the bar, and only when the weight of the world is on your heart.

Make sure to: Sulk back to your chair when it’s all over, back to your “cabin,” as it were.

The Breeders – “One Divine Hammer”

When to sing: Directly before or after someone sings Pixies – “Hey”.

Make sure to: Remember that this song is wicked filthy — direct eye contact with crowd is at your own risk. (Dudes, ask if they have the Clockcleaner version — it’s arguably better.)

Bright Eyes – “The Calendar Hung Itself”

When to sing: There’s no real bad time to sing this, the preeminent emo song of them all, but it’s more about when you have wherewithal to sing Oberst’s lyrics.

Make sure to: Render everyone so awestruck they all want to buy you a drink at the end of it — you’re clearly not in a good place right now.

Built To Spill – “Car”

When to sing: A great opener, before you’re even finished with your first drink.

Make sure to: Close your eyes by the third “I want to see, movies of my dreams,” or you’re not doing it right.

Cibo Matto – “Birthday Cake”

When to sing: In the environment where this song is an option, everyone’s going to be OK with it any time, but it’s definitely one of those songs to play if your equilibrium’s altered to the point where pitch is “optional”.

Make sure to: Get all of Miho Hatori’s eccentricities and dialect, especially the way she says “birthssday cake.”

CYHSY – “The Skin of my Yellow Country Teeth”

When to sing: When you are sure that this song will burrow into the soul of everyone watching – so, late in the night.

Make sure to: Slur each and every word, purposefully or not.

College & Electric Youth – “A Real Hero”

When to sing: After (or during) a big knife fight in the back of a bar. I don’t know if this song will ever escape its role as the soundtrack to Ryan Gosling driving off into the sunset.

Make sure to: Channel Bill Murray singing “More Than This” and you’ll be on the right track.

Das Racist – “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell”

When to sing: When you want to comment on consumptive corporate consumerism to a bar full of drunk people.

Make sure to: Replace “Jamaica Ave.” with a local thoroughfare in your city to try to get the message to resonate with your audience.

The Decemberists – “Don’t Carry It All”

When to sing: When you don’t want to sing “You Don’t Know How It Feels”, but you actually kinda do. Here’s something that sounds almost exactly the same.

Make sure to: Partake in the same kind of theatrics that The Decemberists do on stage and pretend that you’re a whale and try to eat the audience. This will go over well.

Dent May – “Eastover Wives”

When to sing: When you want to sing “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” but you’re never sure which of the 12 versions they’ll put on.

Make sure to:  Dance your white ass off while you’re up there.

Destroyer – “Your Blues”

When to sing: When the idea of singing another Bob Dylan song seems completely “repulsive,” but you’re still not of the inclination to “sing exact notes.”

Make sure to: BYO condenser mic and hold it delicately between your thumb and index finger.

Dirty Projectors – “Stillness Is The Move”

When to sing:  Get this one done early in your set – that little run up to that really high note in the pre-chorus can’t be easy after 3+ drinks. Nailing this song will win the affections of the boy in the Owen Pallett tee.

Make sure to: Remember those quiet riffs Angel Deradoorian does at the end. If you bring those out, Owen Pallett guy will definitely buy you another glass of merlot.

Dismemberment Plan – “You Are Invited”

When to sing: When you feel the tenor of the evening has taken a turn for the worse and want to relay a message of acceptance, positivity, and sing one of the greatest damn songs ever.

Make sure to: Work the crowd and tell the story – be the light at the end of all of these barfly’s nights, especially the guy who just sang “Hurt” seemingly without irony.

Elliott Smith – “Waltz #2 (XO)”

When to sing: It’s not as huge of a bummer as, say, “Needle in the Hay” or “Twilight”, but for those who like bumming people out at karaoke, this should be your go-to bummer jam. Bonus points if you bring your mother along.

Make sure to: Nail the “and on and on and on” perfectly or Howard Sims will be there with his shepherd’s crook so fast.

The Fall – “Totally Wired”

When to sing: The obvious time is after you just did some coke in the bathroom but feel free to make it a joke song — change lyric to “tired”!

Make sure to:  Respect Mark E. Smith and add a supurflous “uh” after every phrase (“I’m totally weird-uh, to be wired-uh”).

The Flaming Lips – “Do You Realize??”

When to sing: Late enough and drunk enough so that you consider Wayne Coyne’s questions about universe. The precise moment this can happen varies greatly from person to person.

Make sure to: Really ask the question, every time. It’s not a rhetorical question, it’s incredulous! Grapple with reality up there.

Free Energy – “Dream City”

When to sing: When you want to sing “The Boys Are Back In Town” but the last time you did you got kicked off stage for trying to sing all three lines of the guitar solo by yourself.

Make sure to: Wear a leather jacket.

Frightened Rabbit – “The Modern Leper”

When to sing: After an unstable amount of whiskey, and after you overheard someone talk about Mumford.

Make sure to: Think about the Scottish accent, but man, don’t go all Groundskeeper Willie on it. Let it alone if you have doubts.

Fugazi – “Waiting Room”

When to sing: When you have two people who can do both Guy Piccatio’s and Ian McKay’s parts. Then, and only then, should you do “Waiting Room”.

Make sure to: Sing when you feel like the fever of the room is about at this level.

Girls – “Lust for Life”

When to sing: It’s such a short song (only a minute and 30 seconds of singing) that it needs to be early on when people might still be paying a bit of attention. No flare, just a great song.

Make sure to: Figure out how Christopher Owens does the half pouty/half whiney thing before you step up.

Gogol Bordello – “Start Wearing Purple”

When to sing: After your fifth shot of Stolichnaya, and only if you’re wearing suspenders.

Make sure to: Take off your shirt but keep your suspenders on. Also buy a round of vodka for everyone pre-song and toast the audience during the high note and you will be crowned King Gypsy-Punk for the rest of the night.

Grinderman – “No Pussy Blues”

When to sing:  When you’ve squeezed the last ounce of pathos out of  ”Just a Gigolo”, and you’ve just gotta lay down some real talk with the bar.

Make sure to: Never unclench your teeth throughout the whole song — that’s part one of the Nick Cave impression. This is part two.

Guided By Voices – “Tractor Rape Chain”

When to sing: When you think you’re as drunk as Robert Pollard would be.

Make sure to: Elucidate to the DJ (and audience) that the word in questions is (probably) referring to parallel lines made by a tractor in a rapeseed field. Or not — your call.

Hasil Adkins – “She Said”

When to sing: After some rye whiskey, moonshine, or corn liquor.

Make sure to: Not memorize the lyrics, but memorize how Adkins says the words, which will be no where near how they are supposed to sound. The whole thing will work better if you pronounce “head” like “hayee.”

Hunx and His Punx – “U Don’t Like Rock N Roll”

When to sing: Immediately after some group of moms sings “I Love Rock  Roll”. That would be great.

Make sure to:  Wear a bedazzled leather jacket. Pants optional.

Interpol – “Obstacle #1″

When to sing: When you’re wearing black suit, shirt and tie, and you’re totally ready to make the same note that spans over 50% of the song interesting.

Make sure to: Import Carlos D’s New York Doesn’t Really Care swagger.

Islands – “Rough Gem”

When to sing: After someone sings Whitesnake or Dokken or Aerosmith — when things are decidedly un-twee.

Make sure to: Play air piano on those three timeless piano plunks on the chorus.

Jamie Lidell – “Multiply”

When to sing: When you want to sing  Jamiroquai’s “Canned Heat” but don’t want to hear anyone say “Why didn’t you do the Napolean Dynamite dance?”

Make sure to: Right after you fling your leopard-print suit-jacket on and take one last sip of your dirty martini. Study up on Lidell’s dance moves.

Janelle Monáe feat. Big Boi – “Tightrope”

When to sing: Two or three times a night is totally acceptable.

Make sure to:  Put in the version with the rap in it. I’m sure they have it, but you don’t want to get all “Waterfalls (No Rap)” on the mic. Also, put some voodoo on it, yeah?

Jay Reatard  - “It Ain’t Gonna Save Me”

When to sing: If you’re feeling like Jay, or if you’re feeling like a tribute to Jay.

Make sure to: Have a lot of fun singing a really, really dismal, depressing song.

Jeff Buckley – “Grace”

When to sing: On a night where you truly think that you can sing this. Which means you’re a ringer and you don’t really belong at the karaoke joint, or your liquid courage has overcome your actual talent. Also acceptable: on a $50 dare.

Make sure to: If nothing else, if you punt the riffing or that high G and make Buckley roll over in his grave, just make sure you hit the last little vocal riff — it’s just too perfect.

Jens Lekman – “The Opposite of Hallelujah”

When to sing: After a glass of champagne or two, when those bubbles start to go to your head and put a spring in your step. You’ll need it for those tambourines and handclaps.

Make sure to: Mime picking up a seashell to illustrate your homelessness. You can be the crab, too, if you feel so inclined.

The Jesus Lizard – “Seasick”

When to sing: Preferably after someone sings “Piano Man”, or something really just bad. Show them what bad really means.

Make sure to: Bow/curtsey gracefully when you’re done. Expect it to go something like this. If it’s not going like that, you’re doing it wrong.

Joanna Newsom – “Inflammatory Writ”

When to sing: When you’re wearing a flowery dress and want to be the first person to sing the words “poetaster” and “ululate” in a bar.

Make sure to: It’s got the swagger of a great drinking song, so hoist your stein and rock to and fro, and sing heartily about mollusks’ weddings and writers’ block.

Joy Division – “Transmission”

When to sing:  Because it’s not really a participation song and, depending on where you take it, more of a performance, doing this early in the night is advisable, odd as it may seem.

Make sure to: Not mimic Ian Curtis’ dance moves. You can’t do them, and may god help you if you get laughs. Totally cool to be inspired by Curtis, though.

The Knife – “Heartbeats”

When to sing: After everyone’s had enough clear, expensive drinks to get down to this sultry slow burner.

Make sure to: Not pick the Jose Gonzalez version and get all “Blower’s Daughter” on everyone.

Kurt Vile – “Freak Train”

When to sing: When you want to transfer your drunken ramblings from the bar to the mic. In fact, you could have never heard this song and as long as you’re all-in on the lyrics, it will be fantastic.

Make sure to:  Just walk right into a cab when you’re done singing because you shouldn’t be fit to drink anymore.

Lana Del Ray – “Video Games”

When to sing: It’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you.

Make sure to: Everything you do, you tell me all the time.

LCD Soundsystem – “Drunk Girls”

When to sing: When you hear someone of any sex go, “Oh my god where did Chrissy even go?” and when you got a posse behind you to to shout “drunk girls” and “drunk boys.”

Make sure to: BYO Sennheiser 509.

Lush – “Ciao! (feat. Jarvis Cocker)”

When to sing:  When you’re sick of duets that only serve to profess two people’s Endless Love for one another and you want one that’s just full of bile and vitriol.

Make sure to: If you want, play the opposite emotion, like the audition scene from Mulholland Dr!

M.O.P. – “Ante Up”

When to sing: When the “Scenario” call-and-response just doesn’t seem hard enough.

Make sure to: Go so hard. If you’re not aggro-rapping like Billy Danze and Lil’ Fame, you will fall into another terrible hip-hop karaoke performance so ante up.

Mclusky – “Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues”

When to sing:  When no one can see, or hear, and it’s the end of the world and you’re ushering everyone to their graves with the karaoke version of “Nearer My God To Thee”.

Make sure to:  Intone “sell me to wonderluuust” like Andy Falkous does.

Misfits – “Where Eagles Dare”

When to sing: After doing a “waterfall” with your group because you signed them up for this and they’re all going to…

Make sure to:  Huddle around the mic, arms around each other, and show everyone what a drunken group shout song really sounds like.

Mission of Burma – “That’s When I Reached For My Revolver”

When to sing:  Since it doesn’t have the bite that some of these other post-punk numbers do, you can sing it early and embrace that final chorus in arena-karaoke fashion.

Make sure to:  Not pick the Moby version. Ahh, that’s not a half-bad version.

The Mountain Goats – “This Year”

When to sing: When the taste of scotch is rich on your tongue, naturally.

Make sure to:  To do that little “ahha” thing before “listen to the engine whine.” And, make it through this night, if it kills you.

My Morning Jacket – “Gideon”

When to sing: Probably one of the hardest songs on this list, so you could really bring the place down if you’re aligned for it. If you got that high note, go for it anytime, and show that dude who just did “With Or Without You” what the deal is.

Make sure to:  Remember that you can hit the super high note like Jim James does live  – just scream that sawngun out.

The National – “Mr. November”

When to sing: This fall seems to be another perfect time, no?

Make sure to: Amble through the crowd really slowly, steadily stepping on tables and chairs, and if you run into a tiny girl in the bar, do this.

Neutral Milk Hotel – “Song Against Sex”

When to sing: When you want to sing “Too Drunk To Fuck” but you don’t have the drugs to take to soothe  your mind — you’re always sober.

Make sure to: To preface your performance by alerting the audience that there will be strictly be no video recording or photography of any kind. In fact, you should probably be doing that before every song anyway.

The New Pornographers – “Bleeding Heart Show”

When to sing: When you have a cast of at least A.C. Newman, Neko Case, Kathryn Calder, and Dan Bejar to join up for the “Hey la’s”, a crucial moment that cannot be left to the karaoke track.

Make sure to: Just give the guy who’s playing Dan Bejar a tambourine and a drink. He doesn’t need to be on stage the whole time.

Nick Lowe – “I Love The Sound Of Breaking Glass”

When to sing: Such a great lead-off song, or you could win the night if you can get the DJ to give you a fast pass to the mic right after someone breaks a pint glass.

Make sure to: Bring your drink up there and then either pretend to drop it and laugh it off and wink, or throw it to the ground and stare directly at the audience and stand perfectly still until you are escorted from the stage.

Of Montreal – “Gronlandic Edit”

When to sing: To make an entrance upon arriving at the bar, as the beat is conducive to Night at the Roxbury-style head-bobbing and/or your own personalized moonwalk. With moves like those, you’ll get mic priority in no time.

Make sure to: Bring some friends in a boys’ choir to sing the high falsetto.

Okkervil River – “Lost Coastlines”

When to sing:  At the peak of the night — only because I think this is one of the better karaoke songs. It’s got the makings of one of those “gather ’round, we’re doing ‘Lost Coastlines’” vibes.

Make sure to: Use the little instrumental break that everyone in the bar has to sing the “La, la, la la la la,” part that’s coming up. It’s such a perfect place to explain it.

Patti Smith – “Free Money”

When to sing: Be true to Patti and do it sober!

Make sure to: Not go all Natalie Merchant/10,000 Maniacs on this one — your melody rides the feeling.

Pavement – “Unfair”

When to sing: When you’re at a place on the Sunset Strip and you don’t want to sing “AEnima” again because no one really got it the first time.

Make sure to: Bring out those Malkmus histrionics and also let the DJ know that there really should be like every Pavement song in this book.

Peaches – “Fuck the Pain Away”

When to sing:  When the idea of singing “Closer” seems too dominant and chauvinistic, and you want something a little more coquettish and submissive, yet just as fucking graphic.

Make sure to: Go in knowing that you’re about to say “Fuck the Pain Away” 24 times, and pray for semantic satiation.

The Pharcyde – “Oh Shit”

When to sing: When you want to sing “Things That Make You Go Hmmmm” but you’ve got a team of tenors with you.

Make sure to: Just get a lady to sing Slimkid3′s verse because come on.

Pixies – “Hey”

When to sing: Directly before or after someone sings The Breeders – ”One Divine Hammer”.

Make Sure To: Interact with the singer of “One Divine Hammer”. This is your future wife, or at the very least you should start a band together.

PJ Harvey – “Words that Maketh Murder”

When to sing: When you’re pretty sure everyone’s either ready to go get eggs at the local diner, or you’re desperately seeking the attention of the guy or girl wearing brown and black in the corner next to The Addams Family pinball game.

Make sure to: Start loud, get soft, and then just sort of decide whether you want to finish loud or just repeat the harmonies or pass out.

Portishead – “All Mine”

When to sing: It’s such a James Bond-y torch song – the one that can bring you glory and fame – depending on your skill set.  After midnight, to be sure, and after you’ve told seven different men your seven different names.

Make sure to:  Ask if, just this once, you can smoke in here.

R. Kelly – “Trapped In The Closet”

When to sing: This for the KJ. If you’re ever a KJ, what you do is you learn the first 10 or so parts to this magnum opus and interpolate them throughout the night. This really is the best thing a KJ could do.

Make sure to: Pull out your beretta when things get heated.

The Rapture – “Out Of The Races And Onto The Tracks”

When to sing: After the idea of impressing people with your voice has long since faded, and you believe you can entertain the masses by doing one simple thing:

Make sure to: Shake shake shake shake shake shake shake shake shake shake.

Regina Spektor – “Your Honor”

When to sing: Trying to explain to the bouncer that your belligerently drunk friend is just “fighting for your honor” and/or distract the bouncer by creating the first Regina Spektor-inspired mosh pit ever.

Make sure to: Grab an unsuspecting audience member to forcefully air-kiss.

The Replacements – “Bastards of Young”

When to sing: Right after a heated argument about what you’re doing with your life, or HBO’s Girls. The kind of performance you give will hang on how drunk you are — but that’s kind of the point with The Mats.

Make sure to: Tell the DJ that he should have literally every Replacements song in the book.

Rilo Kiley – “Silver Lining”

When to sing: You’ve been politely shot down by the fourth cute guy you’ve approached at the bar- is it your fault they’re all “seeing someone”?- and you want to show all those guys what they’re missing.

Make sure to: Not confuse it with “Dreams”. Trust me, those chord changes really sound the same, especially after one drink too many.

Rufus Wainwright — “14th Street”

When to sing: After a bottle of wine, and when you’re in any city with a gridded downtown, doesn’t matter how big.

Make sure to: Play up Wainwright’s slur if you have to and find that perfect three-glasses-of-wine legato.

Ryan Adams – “Halloweenhead”

When to sing: It doesn’t have to be October to chant this one across the bar. Be ironic, or find your inner Jack Skellington, and belt this out at Christmas shindigs everywhere.

Make sure to: ”Guitar solo!”

Scott Walker – “Jackie”

When to sing: When you can see the bottom of your first elderflower cocktail, and after you place a mint leaf behind your ear.

Make sure to: Indicate just as much, if not more, than Walker does in the above video. “My beard so very long and flowing” being one example of a shining moment for pantomime.

The Shins – “Gone For Good”

When to sing: A perfect song for an afternoon karaoke session, or one of your first songs.

Make sure to: Bring a friend who can do those harmonies cause they’re so breezy.

Silver Jews – “Punks In The Beerlight”

When to sing: Right before you propose to your burnout girlfriend.

Make sure to: Bring your punk up there with you.

Sleater-Kinney – “Dig Me Out”

When to sing: After you’ve grown tired of the same polite rebuffs you’ve been giving all night and want to transform your face into a giant “back the hell up off” sign.

Make sure to:  Furrow the brow, clench the mic, and curtsy at the end.

Sleigh Bells – “Rill Rill”

When to sing: When you want everyone to get up and sway together without singing “Time of Your Life”. Once that Funkadelic sample kicks in, it’s only natural.

Make sure to: Wear just one fingerless glove and a string of bullets, if you’ve got ‘em.

Spoon – “The Underdog”

When to sing: You’re sloppy, stained with kisses, and your high school girlfriend you haven’t spoken to in over a decade has just walked through the door.

Make sure to: Take a page or two from Tom Jones – dance, dance, dance with the horns!

The Strokes – “15 Minutes”

When to sing: That one night you decide to be bold and wear the leather jacket, despite the fact that your friends all joke around and call you “The Fonz.”

Make sure to: Stay focused, despite that dreamy guitar solo, watch for the changes, and try to keep up at the end.

Sufjan Stevens – “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.”

When to sing:  When you’re sure that you can come back from it. This is for advanced artists only.

Make sure to:  …I don’t even know. I just kind of want to hear someone sing it and just live in whatever weird moment that it manifests forever.

Supergrass – “Alright”

When to sing: Someone’s brought up at least one reference to Alicia Silverstone, Brittany Murphy, Jeremy Sisto, or anything having to do with 1995′s Clueless.

Make sure to: Really belt out “But we are young!”, especially if it’s your 30th birthday.

Tapes ‘n’ Tapes – “Insistor”

When to sing:  When you want to sing Violent Femmes, but you’d rather sing a song about being a badger. The song has a great arc to it, so it should take care of itself.

Make sure to: Add that big scream in the final chorus.

Television – “See No Evil”

When to sing:  Right after the girl who sang Patti Smith asked you, “So, what are you singing?”

Make sure to:  Turn in your best Tom Verlaine impression (sing everything just a little behind the beat), and bring a beer to drink during that killer guitar solo.

The-Dream – “Yamaha”

When to sing:  When you want to branch out from your Prince standards, and “Darling Nikki”.

Make sure to:  Wear your motorcycle jacket, and take some names, lil’ mama.

The Thermals – “Here’s Your Future”

When to sing: On the eve of any Catholic-related holiday.

Make sure to: Keep the nasal passages clear; otherwise, you’ll have everyone asking what Springsteen song this is.

Titus Andronicus – “No Future Part Three: Escape From No Future”

When to sing:  After a three-Jameson rocks, and you get the idea that the only way anyone will like you tonight is if you bring everyone down to your level.

Make sure to:  Plant some ringers in the audience for the “You will always be a loser” part, and if you get everyone singing at the end you’ll be a karaoke loser forever.

Tom Waits – “I Hope That I Don’t Fall In Love With You”

When to sing: When the night is squinting back at you, and there’s only about five people in the bar, and the bartender is wiping down the bar half-interested in what you’re doing.

Make sure to:  At the end, tell everyone to tip their bartenders.

tUnE-yArDs – “Bizness”

When to sing: Like “Tightrope”, as often as possible.  

Make sure to: BYO face paint, and see if you can find a way to do that vibrato thing Merril does at the start of the second verse.

TV On The Radio – “Wolf Like Me”

When to sing: After a spirited conversation about what, ultimately, is the best TV On The Radio song.

Make sure to: Put in a good argument for “Wolf Like Me”.

The Velvet Underground – “Beginning To See The Light”

When to sing: When your night is striking a nice balance somewhere between Loaded and White Light/White Heat.

Make sure to: Just make up whatever melody/words you want during the verse.

The Weeknd – “Wicked Games”

When to sing: When you want to bring the sexual tension from “girl look at that cute guy” to “this is unbearable and I have to leave.”

Make sure to:  Not even attempt this if you can’t hit those high notes. Consult friends before singing and listen to them if they laugh at you.

Whiskeytown – “Excuse Me While I Break My Own Heart Tonight”

When to sing: When you’re drunk enough that your country roots start to show, but are still aware that you’re singing Ryan Adams.

Make sure to: Add that twang that Ryan Adams used to do.

Why? – “The Hallows”

When to sing: When you want to get back to the proto-hipster, and drop some fantastic white-boy rhymes on the mic.

Make sure to: Preface this song by “You’ve probably never heard of these guys” just for old-time’s sake.

Wilco – “Monday”

When to sing: After a couple of PBRs and after someone asks you if you know any country songs other than that Ryan Adams guy.

Make sure to: Infer that you do know more country songs, but few are as great as “Monday”.

Wild Flag – “Romance”

When to sing: I know it’s a new song in the canon, but really, when is there not a good time to sing this song?

Make sure to: Air-guitar throughout and slyly note to passersby that you saw Sleater-Kinney live before they split. Like, during the song.

Wire – “Ex Lion Tamer”

When to sing:  After you get done complaining about HBO’s Girls for the last hour and just want to grab everyone by the collars, and scream some metaphors in their faces. This is not an uncommon emotion.

Make sure to: Bring up a hype-man for the extra punch off from the mic when you sing the echo lines in the verse.

Wolf Parade – “This Heart’s On Fire”

When to sing: After about a pack of cigarettes into the night.

Make sure to: Leave absolutely all of it on stage.

In 2007, R. Kelly introduced the world to his “hip-hopera,” Trapped in the Closet, a sordid tale of 22 chapters involving love, betrayal, and the aforementioned closet. Now, as Rolling Stone reports, Kels will soon return to IFC with a brand-new batch of chapters. The crooner will once again play the role of his alter-ego Sylvester, alongside beloved characters like Rufus, Rosie the Nosy Neighbor, and Pimp Lucius. The first installment, chapter 23, will address the mysterious package introduced in the last chapter.

Below, you can watch a teaser trailer for the new chapters. No word on an air date, so stay tuned for more.

R&B crooner R. Kelly‘s post-throat surgery recovery continues with the release of yet another new track, ”Share My Love”. The Barry White-esque cut is streaming below, and as the Village Voice points out, it serves as the first single off Kel’s upcoming 12th album, reportedly entitled Write Me Back.

Update: According to an issued press release, Write Me Back will arrive in May via RCA. “Share My Love” will be released digitally on February 14th.

As always, stay tuned for more info as it’s announced.

R. Kelly – “Share My Love”

Seafaring music fans already have several voyages at their disposal: the punk rock-heavy Bruise Cruise, the chilled out Jam Cruise, and the slightly nerdy Weezer Cruise. Offering a slightly different experience, R. Kelly‘s Love Letter Cruise will make its maiden voyage next October. The first rule aboard the SS R. Kelly? No peeing in the pool.

The five-day cruise sets sail on October 1st from Miami, FL and includes stops at several Caribbean ports. The real appeal, however, are the on-board amenities. As per an issued press release:

“An exciting time awaits you on Carnival Cruise Line ‘Destiny’, as R. Kelly presents a fabulous performance, never seen before at SEA. Enjoy delicious cuisines. Work up a sweat at the ‘Stepping Class’. Sign up for the ’12 Play’ Basketball Game. Pamper yourself with a massage, and select from more than 20 various games and activities on board, along with special guest artists. Don’t miss this exciting cruise with R. Kelly.”

Sadly, the “Trapped In A Closet Reenactment Booth” won’t be ready in time for departure.

Double rooms aboard the ship start at just $1,499; book your reservations here. Below is R. Kelly’s post-throat surgery return track entitled “Shut Up”.

After R&B crooner R. Kelly underwent emergency throat surgey back in July, his team of publicists announced he would be “laid up indefinitely.” As it turns out, indefinitely means four months (give or take), as Kelly recently dropped a new song via Twitter entitled, appropriately enough, “Shut Up”. Going out to “all the people out there that be running their mouth and they dont know what the hell they saying”, the Casio-powered tune is, as one might be able to tell, Mr. Kelly setting the record straight and confirming his career isn’t going anywhere. Check it out below.

In related news, Kelly recently confirmed that his autobiography, awesomely titled Soula Coaster: The Diary of Me, is now scheduled for release in Spring 2012. Stay tuned for more on the tome as it’s announced.

Acclaimed R&B singer R. Kelly underwent emergency throat surgery early Tuesday, reports USA Today. According to his publicist, the 44-year old Kelly had been experiencing throat pain for the past week and was rushed to Chicago’s Northwestern Memorial Hospital to have an abscess on his tonsils drained. The procedure will leave Kelly hospitalized for a short time and “laid up indefinitely.”

Kelly recently completed a summer tour in support of his latest LP Love Letter. It is not yet known when he’ll be able to resume performing.

In tow for the trek are soul sisters Keyshia Cole and Marsha Ambrosius, who will open up the shows.

In what’s guaranteed to be an evening of sexy slow-jams, and nu-motown tracks, it’s too tempting to stay away. He’s got allure, and he’s got hip-hoperas, and a reputed stage show that reflects his consummate professionalism. But, let’s be real: we’re there to get our swerve on to the sexy slow-jams.

Tickets are available via our Concert Calendar.

R. Kelly’s Love Letter Tour Dates:
04/27 – Offenbach, DE @ Capitol
04/28 – Cologne, DE @ Live Music Hall
04/30 – Paris, FR @ Le Bataclan
06/02 – Southaven, MS @ DeSoto Civic Center
06/03 – New Orleans, LA @ UNO Lakefront Arena
06/04 – Mobile, AL @ Civic Center
06/05 – Houston, TX @ Toyota Centre
06/10 – Oakland, CA @ Coliseum
06/11 – Los Angeles, CA @ Nokia Theatre L.A. Live
06/16 – Chicago, IL @ Allstate Arena
06/17 – St Louis, MO @ Chaifetz Arena
06/18 – Kansas City, MO @ Sprint Center
06/19 – Dallas, TX @ Verizon Theater
06/24 – Raleigh, NC @ RBC Center
06/25 – Atlanta, GA @ Philips Arena
06/26 – Birmingham, AL @ BJCC
06/29 – Cleveland, OH @ CSU Wolstein Center
06/30 – Newark, NJ @ Prudential Center
07/01 – Baltimore, MD @ 1st Mariner Arena
07/02 – Washington, D.C. @ Verizon Center
07/03 – Philadelphia, PA @ Mann Music Center

Most people overlook R. Kelly’s talent. It is understandable that a 23-part hip-hopera, in which Kells sings every part from himself to his wife to Omar from The Wire to an overweight, white, southern woman, is distracting and causes one to not notice the talent in his voice. The sheer lunacy of the story line is enough without the repetitive music loop.  And yes, the allegations—of which he was cleared—of urinating on a teenager could discredit talent. People did the same with Michael Jackson (whom R. Kelly gives a tribute to in the form of a bonus track cover of “You Are Not Alone”, which he sings the piss out of) while he was alive. Things get easily overlooked when teenage livelihood is in danger.

But, in the instance of Love Letter, you have no excuse to overlook his talent. Okay, so the opening track, “Love Letter (Prelude)”, is 50 seconds long and a bit odd with Kells singing a capella, “Dear ladies, it’s your boy January, and I would like to welcome all of you to the love letter all…bum!” But he sings it really well. Kells has solid new soul/R&B jams like “Love Letter” and “Number One Hit”—with the great lines, “I got a studio up in heaven, and it’s the perfect atmosphere. It’s guaranteed to take you platinum” and “You are my Elvis and Priscilla. My Michael Jackson Thriller. Smooth Operator by Sade…My movie star. My Coming to America. My Avatar!” He drops into older soul with ’70s funk track “Just Can’t Get Enough” and a very Marvin Gaye-sounding “Love Is ft. K. Michelle”. The latter being a sort of modern version of “Ain’t no Mountain High”.

“Music Must be a Lady”, “Radio Message” (another great ’60s via ’80s soul jam), and “When a Woman Loves” (with the gem “She got more faith in me than a beach got sand”) are more favorites that show if R. Kelly can just focus his mind a little, he can pull off some damn fine songs. Granted “Taxi Cab”, a song about R. Kelly having sex with a stranger in the back of a taxi cab (it was “like a hotel room”), is a little weird and kind of a weak link, but it’s still really damn entertaining.

There are some of you who might be leery of the kind words said about this album in this review, and I understand. If you are looking for another “Ignition”, you won’t find that here. What you will find is some sex-makin’ music and some fantastic soul music. This is a lights off and candles lit album, not a club album. You may think the kind words are more from the kitsch value of R. Kelly, but I assure you they are not. Give it some spins, and decide.

Rappers and rock stars get to live a life that no one could even imagine. They also get to be a part of some of the biggest and best parties. I often wonder, what is it like to party like a rock star and how can I be like them? After watching the video for R. Kelly’s smash hit “Ignition”, I had my answer.

The first thing I learned: Everyone dances in slow motion. I would have looked like an idiot if I showed up to this party, putting on my best moves at normal pace. It’s obvious that only the star of the party is the only one who is allowed to dance in real time.

Check out the :32 second mark behind Kelly’s left shoulder for tips on how you should not look at an R. Kelly party. This guy must have been a friend of the someone in the production crew, he looks wildly out of place.

Second thing I observed: The best place for a party is in a stretch Navigator limo. Here I am going to house parties and wasting money at bars, when I could be cruising around the streets in a limo full of 75+ people. The driver better keep his eyes on the road.

Around 1:35 you begin to notice just how many people at this party R. Kelly does not want to associate with. He has his arm around one gentleman who looks like he is having the least bit of fun of anyone there. Also on his mind could be, “how many coke and rums has R. Kelly had and where exactly is the bathroom in this place? because he sure is getting inappropriately close to me.” Also, as Kelly goes through the crowds he seems to not let anyone touch him. It is just too hard to check the ID of all of those women.

At 2:12, you learn exactly what R. Kelly’s head looks like. Good to know.

At 2:15, I learned it’s okay to bring my dad to the party if I want too.

From here on out it’s utter chaos. White guys break dancing, old men mixing with hot women, R. Kelly still dancing. It certainly looked like a good time but it seems a little egotistical (and sort of a buzzkill) of Kelly to sing the same song throughout the entire party. Although, the bar seems to have enough booze to make everyone in that limo make bad decisions, it doesn’t appear to be my scene. Plus, that white guy took all my best moves, with the exception of rolling the dice. However, if this is what happens when R. Kelly does a remix, I can’t wait for the “I Believe I Can Fly” party.

Love Letter isn’t duo out until December 14th, but the effort’s first single, “When A Woman Loves” (not to be confused with “When A Man Loves A Woman”), is already making Top 40 radio feel all kinds of desire and currently rests at No. 23 on Billboard’s R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart. Watch the song’s video below, which features a dapper looking Kelly going old-school. Yes, whether it’s in a three-piece suit or an over-sized jersey, Kells is the postmaster of love.

No word yet on a tracklist, but another single and a Christmas remix are due out sometime this month, so keep your eyes peeled. Love Letter will be out December 14th via Jive Records.

A rap opera.

Or… at least what comes to mind when one thinks of what a rap opera should be. Sadly, R. Kelly’s gargantuan 2005 fail had none of the above elements in the mix. At least somebody did teach him what constitutes a rhyme. That counts as rapping, no? (It doesn’t.)

“Trapped in the Closet” began as a chapter-by-chapter radio odyssey bestowing upon the American public the secret lives of sex and lies of Sylvester (played by Kelly) and his consorts. It was described as what would be the “first-ever rap opera.”

The starting clip, with its fancy green screen background and comic book superhero-style WordArt title, kicks off the simple beat that loops and loops, and loops again for 12 chapters spanning more than 40 minutes from then on. Oh, also, there is a vocal background of endless “ooh-ooh-oh’s” that adds… emotion, perhaps, to the troubadour.

From the pacing of the first line, “7 o’clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wakes me/Up,” the question, “Seriously??” arises. Kelly continues to “rap” about what’s happening in the video, pushing extra-long lines into the rhythm of the beat in order to tell his complex and unpredictable story in a less-than-lyrical way. (Please note italicized sarcasm.)

The first few chapters are enough to either get one hooked (if one can so easily be bought), or make one want to laugh and cry in utter confusion and intellectual pain (and therefore want to continue watching for the excellent comedic value). It’s especially hilarious how Kelly narrates his journey through various women’s beds in an-almost singing voice—actually, he is singing. He just shouldn’t be.

His words are bland and extremely lacking in figurative language, making them like a child’s recapitulation of an unusual event: overly explanatory and simplistic. Seriously, can “Trapped in the Closet” really be compared to this? Or even this?

It’s neither.

Someone obviously explained to Kelly that poetry is descriptive, and furthermore, so is story-telling. Therefore, he went ahead and wrote down every descriptive detail he could think about in his story, even marking how “a call comes through on [his] cell phone” and he “tried [his] best to quickly put it on vibrate,” stretching that last word out as if it were the last “Brave” in the Star-Spangled Banner at the Superbowl. What kind of emphasizing is that? He definitely took the whole operatic bit seriously.

Okay, so the lyrics are bad. The acting? Maybe better. Just a quick reminder, though. America, you did NOT need to watch this; Days of Our Lives and the Spanish novelas are still on the air. (And they will provide the same storyline, but will spare you the cheesy lip-synching and Kelly’s hilariously awful vocal sound effects.)

In the first chapter, when the woman beside whom he just awoke tells him her husband is heading up the stairs (typical, much?), he actually makes a “shh-shh” sound and incorporates it into the melody of the song. The same goes for a police siren and several other random noises that add about five points of funny to the videos. Once he’s in the closet (by the way, does he realize the connotation of the phrase “in the closet”?), he mentions how she’s so good at pretending she deserves an Oscar. Well, Kelly doesn’t, and he proves why in the gun sequence.

Bad as he is, Kelly is compelled to unsheathe his glock when the other man comes into the room, frowning. He plays the threatening, about-to-shoot-out-of-fear big man ever so flawlessly: unrealistically waving the handgun in the air loosely, hollering about this and that all over the place. Since he’s unable to actually shoot anyone, he just fires one up into the air—inside a fifth floor apartment. Of course that’s logical, the man was getting scared! There were people screaming everywhere! Bet the Wallaces on the sixth floor didn’t even notice the bullet hole in their new hardwood.

The best part of the video could probably be Kelly’s hectic car ride home. Stepping into a car that drives against a digitally enhanced background, mental images flash across the screen as Kelly dreads finding a man in his own home. The bluish tone and quick flicker of different images is the most visually engaging feature in the videos.

As the story flows on and the chapters pass along, the videos escalate in unbelievable hilarity. That is, disregarding the various displays of almost-domestic violence and bigoted “midget” stereotyping for the sake of humor. The plot doth thicken and the saga that may or may not have been at first purposefully comedic begins to be blatant in its ridicule.

A small observation: Did nobody notice that at the beginning Kelly narrates in the first person as Sylvester, and towards the end chapters he becomes a third-person narrator?

After the first few chapters, the realization sets in that this thing goes on for over 30 minutes. (!?!) Yes, it has indeed been about a half hour of mono-rhythmic talk-singing and lip-synching, all voices done by R. Kelly. Did people ever honestly like these videos? How did they make it all over the radio?

This is a kind of inexplicable venture into the world of operatic storytelling, and the best thing to come out of them may have been the IFC continuation.

As for 2009? Well, the Dirty Projectors became a household name, as did Twitter, Girl Talk turned into a gimmick, Kanye continued to be an asshole, online music streaming got big (and bought), and the sales of digital and vinyl releases continued to increase, while the Virgin Megastores and Sam Goody’s of the world went bye bye.

And that’s not even scratching the surface. Before we turn the page on the 2000s, we wanted to take one more look at the year that was the last 365 days. Music, here was your 2009…

Top Albums of 2009

As selected by the CoS Staff…

01. Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavillion

02. Passion Pit – Manners

03. The Avett Brothers – I and Love and You

04. The Decemberists – The Hazards of Love

05. Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

06. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – It’s Blitz!

07. Kittens Ablaze – The Monstrous Vanguard

08. Wale – Attention Deficit

09. The Antlers – Hospice

10. The Dead Weather – Horehound

Click here for #11 – #100

Top Songs of 2009

As selected by the CoS Staff…

01. Phoenix – “1901″

02. Animal Collective – “Summertime Clothes”

03. Passion Pit – “Sleepyhead”

04. Grizzly Bear – “Two Weeks”

05. Phoenix – “Lisztomania”

06. Wale – “Triumph”

07. Jay-Z – “Run This Town” (feat. Kanye West and Rihanna)

08. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – “Heads Will Roll”

09. Girls – “Lust for Life”

10. Animal Collective – “My Girls”

Click here for #11 – #50

Headline Grabbers

There is always a few particular artists who seem to appear in the headlines more than others. Take these three for example:

Lil Wayne appeared on ESPN, began work on a rock ‘n’ roll album, talked gangsta with Katie Couric, won some Grammys, released the worst song ever, pushed back the release of his rock ‘n’ roll album, pushed back the release of his rock ‘n’ roll album again, told kids to stay in school, teamed up with Madonna, collaborated with Kanye, Eminem, and Drake, promised two albums before the year was out, plead guilty to weapon possession, released a stellar mixtape, watched his mom get a TV show, had his rock ‘n’ roll album mistakenly leaked, and got arrested again, all while actually failing to release any studio albums at all before the year was out. And to cap it all off, he’s going to prison in February!

For a band that didn’t release an album in 2009, Radiohead sure managed to grab quite a few headlines. Capitol Records reissued their discography, Thom Yorke debuted a new song, as well as contributed to the New Moon soundtrack, Ed O’Brien and Phil Selway collaborated with Neil Finn and Wilco, the entire band got together to release a tribute song for Harry Patch, the last surviving World War I combat soldier, Thom Yorke covered Mark Mulcahy’s “All for the Best”, the entire band got together again to release a track titled “These Are My Twisted Words”, Thom Yorke offered a secret 12″, Thom Yorke formed a new band and played some shows, the entire band got together for a third time to begin work on a new studio album, and Thom Yorke became really pissed about climate change.

You either loved or hated the amount of U2 present in 2009. Bono and crew got on their boots, played the Grammys, resided on Letterman, released a new album, teamed up with Brandon Flowers and Chris Martin, started talking another new album, took to Fordham University for a secret show, embarked on the first leg of their claw-featuring global 360 tour, tapped Muse as an opener, wrote a Broadway musical about Spider-Man, pissed off David Byrne, got reviewed in Chicago, reissued The Unforgettable Fire, apparently made no money, played the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall-of-Fame anniversary, titled their next album, wanted to be like The Beatles, plotted more tour dates for 2010, played a free Berlin Wall concert behind the backdrop of a different wall constructed by MTV to prevent those without tickets from watching U2 play a free Berlin Wall concert, teamed up with Jay-Z, got tapped for Glastonbury 2010, and announced a remix album.

Music Festivals

Despite a recession which saw a number of mid-tier summer music festivals call it quits, the big boys were as grand as ever. Coachella rounded up McCartney, Bonnaroo brought The Boss and Phish, and Lollapalooza finally saw Perry using his festival to his advantage. What’s more, Outside Lands proved once again that its a festival to be reckon with, while Sasquatch! demonstrated that Washington state can also rock hard. Hova was able to save All Points West from a mud filled weekend, Pitchfork continued to serve as a hipster’s wet dream, and the Virgin Mobile Festival reminded us that some good things can be free. Finally, Consequence of Sound hit South by Southwest for the first time, celebrating with events featuring the likes of Astronautalis, Gringo Star, Shad, 13ghosts, Kittens Ablaze, Catfish Haven, and Blueblood. Oh, and did we mention we have already begun planning for next year?

Supergroups

By the time December rolled around, there were as many supergroups in existence as there were non-supergroups…

Dave Grohl + John Paul Jones + Josh Homme = Them Crooked Vultures, Conor Oberst + M. Ward + Jim James = Monsters of Folk, Jack White + Alison Mosshart + Jack Lawrence + Dean Fertita = The Dead Weather, Thom Yorke + Flea + Nigel Godrich + Joey Waronker + Mauro Refosco = ???, Phil Lesh + Bob Weir = Furthur, Coldplay + Mew + a-ha = Apparatjik, Supergrass + Radiohead = The Hot Rats, Joe Budden + Joell Ortiz + Royce da 5’9″ + Crooked I = Slaughterhouse, King Khan + Black Lips = The Almighty Defenders, New Order + Blur = Bad Lieutenant, Sammy Hagar + Michael Anthony + Joe Satriani + Chad Smith = Chickenfoot

Reunions, Hiatuses, and Nothing at All!

Two 2009′s biggest themes were bands reuniting and bands calling it quits (or announcing extended hiatuses). And then there were those that couldn’t make up their mind at all.

Blur began its reunion, The Stooges revived Raw Power, Pixies gave it another go, Creed came back!, No Doubt did too, Faith No More hit Europe, Phish returned, The Murder City Devils reunited for Coachella, Sunny Day Real Estate returned for some grunge, Deadheads got the best Christmas present ever, Blink-182 got back together for the kids, Spinal Tap released a new album for the first time in 17 years, Sublime played a show and then got sued, Eminem reunited with D12, Simon and Garfunkel became friends, Limp Bizkit dusted off the red cap, Three members of the Velvet Underground got together for a discussion, Orbital celebrated its 20th anniversary with a reunion, Jawbox made its first live performance since 1997 on J-Fal, Faces reunited without Rod Stewart, while Take That did reunite with Robbie Williams, John Lydon moved on to Public Image Ltd., Cee-Lo got back together with Goodie Mob, The Jayhawks reunited, as did The Gories, and Ben Lee resurrected Noise Addict. Oh yeah, and some band named Pavement announced plans for a busy 2010.

On the other hand, Blur also ended its reunion, The Verve broke up again, Oasis had a fight, Flight of the Conchords called it quits, Music journalism died, Nine Inch Nails said goodbye, as did Harlem Shakes, The Broken West, and Pela, and Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band, Fall Out Boy, Foo Fighters, Blitzen Trapper, Bon Iver, Lily Allen, Deerhunter, and TV on the Radio all announced lengthy hiatuses.

Plus, we learned an At The Drive-In reunion apparently wasn’t a possibility, nor was the rumored Stone Roses comeback, Spacemen 3 got an offer, but declined, The Kinks kept thinking about it but still didn’t do anything, contrary to Courtney Love’s comments, Hole didn’t reunite, Pulp teased and then unteased, and Swans thought about it and didn’t. And not surprisingly, The Libertines, The Smiths, and Neutral Milk Hotel all continued to tease to no fruition, while Led Zeppelin continued the suspense.

Soundtracks with benefits

There’s nothing like a nice movie soundtrack or benefit album featuring some of our favorite musicians. 2009 exemplified this fact to the max…

Grizzly Bear, LCD Soundsystem, Badly Drawn Boy, Arcade Fire, Karen O and friends, Daft Punk, Nick Cave & Warren Ellis, Beck, Jay Farrar & Ben Gibbard, British Sea Power, Dengue Fever all provided sounds for the silver screen, as did the inane number of musicians appearing on the New Moon soundtrack.

Ben Gibbard, Fleet Foxes, and The Cave singers contributed to the Give Seattle charity album, while Tom Waits, Pete Seeger, and Jim James lent their talents to Preservation, an Album Benefiting Preservation Hall and Its Music Outreach Program. Our friends at Ear Farm rounded up Tom Tom Club, Sean Bones, tUnE-yArDs for their pro-Xmas Do you EAR what I EAR?. Peter Bjorn & John, Juliette Lewis, and White Rabbits helped fight malaria. The Climate change benefiting Rhythms Del Mundo Classics saw contributions from The Killers, The Rolling Stones, and Amy Winehouse. Stars (like Yorke and The National) collided for Mark Mulcahy. Hot Chip, The Hold Steady, and Lily Allen shared reinterpretations on War Child Heroes. And let’s not forget about Dark Was The Night, the tantalizing 31-track effort featuring the Dirty Projectors with David Byrne, Feist with Ben Gibbard, Sufjan Stevens, My Morning Jacket, and more, all in benefit of The Red Hot Organization and AIDS awareness.

Our Most Memorable Features

In addition to everything else that went down, 2009 also saw Consequence of Sound further expanded our feature stories. The following are some of our favorites/most memorable:

We brought you interviews with Pavement, Ms. Consequence of Sound herself, Regina Spektor, Tom Jones, Passion Pit, Slayer, Ben Kweller, The Gaslight Anthem, Flogging Molly, Anti-Flag, Margot & the Nuclear So and So’s, Hot Water Music, The Von Bondies, The Screaming Blue Messiahs, The Antlers, Boots Riley, Cymbals Eat Guitars, and Fleet Foxes’ J. Tillman. Oh and we talked with Los Campesinos! not once, but twice.

Our Editor-in-Chief Michael Roffman gave us the entire story of The Thermals, contributing writer Alyssa Spiel spoke with 311 about its 20th anniversary, and the one and only Cap Blackard spent the day with Astronautalis.

We listed everything from the Top 11 Influential Minds of Industrial Metal and Top 10 Grunge Albums to the  Top 10 Fake Bands and Top 10 Sleepiest Albums. We did some Audio Archaeology, dusted off some ol’ classics, shared our guilty pleasures, introduced you to some great new bands, and continued teaching Rock History 101.

As for the most commented posts of the year? That honor goes to Laina Dawes’ review of 311′s Uplifter.

The Year’s Most “Unique” Moments

We thought we’d close on a light note, as in this year’s stories and moments that, well, left us scratching our heads the most…

Bill Corgan wrote a song for the Super Bowl, Bruce Springsteen apologized for selling music through Walmart, Live Nation and Ticketmaster merged, Mandy Moore married Ryan Adams, Lil Wayne released “Prom Queen”, we wrote a post about the Jonas Brothers, Crystal Castles had a meltdown, Santogold had to change her name to Santigold, Manu Chao pissed off Mexico, Chickenfoot was actually real, Prince released a $2,100 iPod, Billy Corgan made a wrestling promo, Tupac revealed he might still be alive, Creed released a new album, Billy Corgan hired a 19-year-old drummer, Kanye West helped kids stay in school, Ron Artest paid homage to Michael Jackson, Reading Music Festival banned flags, Kidz Bop covered Kanye West, Ryan Adams became a video game reviewer, R. Kelly forgot to title his new album, Oasis broke up, Liam Gallagher formed Oasis 2.0, 30 Seconds to Mars and Kanye West released a song together, 7-Eleven reissued The Beatles, Snoop Dogg got himself a new name, Rivers Cuomo was interviewed by a dog, Diddy appeared on the Home Shopping Network, Morrissey and Johnny Marr emailed, Marilyn Manson got swine flu, Radiohead didn’t break up, Elvis Presley’s grandson scored a record deal, Starfucker changed its name, Fall Out Boy formed a metal band, and Pete Doherty sang a Nazi song.

Thank you!

Before we end our 2009 recap, we would just like to take one last moment to thank the individuals who have helped Consequence of Sound become what it is today. Thank you to the publicists who work hand-in-hand with us each and everyday, thank you to the festival promoters who continue to work with us despite the fact we ruin your lineup announcements, thank you to the message boards which provide such a bevy of information, thank you to those who email us news tips and music submissions, thank you to our fellow bloggers, thank you to our amazing and tireless staff, and thank you to our readers who have put trust in us and our the reason we keep at this 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

2009 was an amazing year for Consequence of Sound, but 2010 will be even better. Stay tuned for a number of brand new features, including that much needed change we’ve all been eagerly awaiting.

“Echo” feels like a guest spot on 808s and Heartbreak minus AutoTune and established rappers aching to sing (bring on the Kanye hate mail). The drums and Kelly mesh brilliantly, and alongside “Bangin’ The Headboard”, it makes for one of two rather impressive Untitled inclusions. Some bravado, some “baby, baby”, everything falls into place, and R. Kelly finally reverts back being himself. Next up is the sensual beat drive “Go Low”, which this reviewer did not take kindly to the first go ’round. It has found its proper placement, alongside the still infectious “Whole Lotta Kisses”. This pair owes a great deal to reintroduction, as this new approach brings fresh ears to the subject matter sans being bogged down by sequel status, retrofitted now for a clean-cut, point blank R&B/dance record. If we can see past the unfortunate choice for first single dubbed “Number One”, a cut featuring Keri Hilson and a ton of delusional grandeur, we arrive at a strictly party track titled “I Love The DJ”, which transitions us to the dance portion.

From here we travel in reverse, moving from bedrooms and whispered nothings to the dance floor — and we firmly believe that “I Love The DJ” should have been R. Kelly’s premiere single from Untitled, but once you snag the record you can decide for yourself. A “buddy system” has been implemented henceforth: “I Love The DJ” is followed by club banger “Supaman High” and disco-infused “Be My #2″; the two Fourth Quarter selections are side-by-side; the two worst songs placed at first are indeed paired up. If it was intentional, then the only logic is treating each set like a group of consecutively released EPs — much like a compilation, slightly disjointed, but still carrying a little weight behind it in terms of R. Kelly’s usual slick cat fare and sex romp foreplay, glazed by a few soprano upswings and a choir-trained diaphragm.

From this point on we hit a down slope, with “Text Me” as a throwaway piece of rehashed filler, “Religious” and “Elsewhere” iced with piano and subtle charms all their own (another pair indeed), and the all-important album closer “Pregnant” left reduced to a guest-heavy finale of guests we don’t particularly care about these days (doesn’t Tyrese have some more lame post-Soul Food copycat flicks to cut and print? Baby Boy 2, perhaps?). R. Kelly made a bold 50/50 shot and managed to suck in a 90s R&B washout, some 00s pop blandness, and The Dream (I can’t really say much about him, he’s The Dream). R. Kelly has been on his own for the most part, and did splendidly up until now, so I suppose this closer was his built-in panic button.

I sincerely respect R. Kelly for delivering this album after the Fourth Quarter fiasco had me completely lose my faith in his potential. It’s rare that anyone gets a chance to recover from a leaked project of absolute crap by re-recording 90% of said project with a different outlook altogether successfully, so R. Kelly ought to be thanking his publicist’s lucky stars, as well as his own. Face facts as I have, ladies and gentlemen: R. Kelly might be coming to the end of his reign, but today he backpedaled a step and managed to churn out a couple of decent hits. Hopefully when it is all finally said and done, he has the good graces to bow out appropriately as the gentleman he once was, and now strives to be again.

We do not need this Romeo seeking love on VH1 reality television afterward, or we may well face riots and globally-depleted intelligence quotients.

Buy:
Untitled

Recorded outside of Kelly’s native Chicago, the album features production work by the likes of Lil Ronnie, Chris Henderson and Infinity. In case you’re wondering about the vibe of the album, Kelly told guests at an album preview party that it it came from some heavy partying. Partying that is, thankfully, without documentation.

“For three months straight, I threw a party at my house every weekend. … Like 200 girls come over, and there’s some guys too, like four or five, but no pictures, so we can all be ourselves,” Kelly said. “Then I’d play the music and see how they would react… if they didn’t feel it, I’d go back downstairs and rework it…”

Let your imaginations roam on that one. The album has already generated a hit duet with Keri Hilson called “Number One”. The latest single, “Religious” premiered on Kelly’s YouTube page. Kel’s on tour for the album now and should be out on the road until early December.

R. Kelly 2009 Tour Dates:
10/22 – Atlanta, GA @ Fox Theatre
10/23 – Chattanooga, TN @ Chattanooga Memorial Auditorium
10/24 – Charleston, SC @ Gaillard Municipal Auditorium
10/25 – Augusta, GA @ William B. Bell Auditorium
10/27 – Birmingham, AL @ BJCC Concert Hall
10/29 – Grand Prairie, TX @ Nokia Theatre At Grand Prairie
10/30 – Houston, TX @ Reliant Arena
10/31 – New Orleans, LA @ Lakefront Arena
11/01- Memphis, TN @ Orpheum Theatre
11/05 – Los Angeles, CA @ Nokia Theatre
11/06 – Las Vegas, NV @ Planet Hollywood Theatre
11/07 – Oakland, CA @ Paramount Theatre
11/12 – Indianapolis, IN @ TBA
11/14 – Detroit, MI @ TBA
11/15 – Milwaukee, WI @ Milwaukee Theatre
11/17 – Chicago, IL @ Auditorium Theatre
11/20 – Louisville, KY @ Louisville Palace Theatre
11/21 – Charlotte, NC @ TBA
11/22 – Greensboro, NC @ Special Events Center
11/24 – Washington, DC @ TVA
11/27 – Jacksonville, FL @ Moran Theater
11/28 – Miami, FL @ Knight Concert Hall
11/29 – Tampa, FL @ Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center
12/04 – Norfolk VA @ TBA
12/05 – Richmond, VA @ TBA
12/06 – Cleveland, OH @ Palace Theatre
12/08 – St. Louis, MO @ Fabulous Fox Theatre

In an interview with Blackvoices.com (via Prefix), R. Kelly claimed that he is going to finish the album Michael Jackson was allegedly working on before his untimely death last June.

“I recorded five joints for Michael Jackson (in the past). And we had been talking on the phone about his new album, and I was going to finish what Michael was doing at the time. We’re going to get it out though. Michael liked the way I would try to sing the songs just like him.”

As previously reported, Kelly is already working on one release so profound he didn’t bother titling it. Here’s hoping for another…

Originally slated for a 2010 release, Kells follow up to 2007′s Double Up was original titled 12 Play, 4th Quarter. But after that leaked, the whole album was re-recorded. Undoubtedly, things were delayed because of his most recent legal snafu. All that’s behind the Chicago native now and Untitled is set for an October 13th release. And with this being his ninth album, expect the old standbys (hypersexualized lyrics, stripper poles, the hottest producers, etc.) and something wholly new: Yodeling.

Those jonesing for something new until October can seek out his first-ever mixtape released back in June called The Demo Tape presented by DJ Skee and DJ Drama. Don’t pretend like you won’t, either. And if that’s not enough, down below you can check out the new album’s first single, “Number One”, which features Keri Hilson. Tour dates for the currently venue-less Ladies Make Some Noise Tour are after the jump. According to the Kelly camp, fans can expect something up close and personal.

We’re just holding back on the jokes with that one.

Untitled Tracklist:
01. Crazy Night
02. Outta the Game
03. Exit
04. Echo
05. Bangin’ the Headboard
06. Text Me
07. Number One
08. Like I Do
09. Elsewhere
10. Fallin’ From the Sky
11. Religious
12. #1 Fan
13. Be My Number 2
14. Supa Man High

R. Kelly 2009 Tour Dates:
10/08 – Mashantucket, CT
10/09 – Boston, MA
10/10 – Albany, NY
10/11 – Baltimore, MD
10/13 – Philadelphia, PA
10/15 – Newark, NJ
10/16 – New York CIty
10/18- Pittsburgh, PA
10/20 – Cincinatti, OH
10/22 – Atlanta, GA
10/23 – Chattanooga, TN
10/25 – Augusta, GA
10/27 – Birmingham, AL
10/29 – Dallas, TX
10/30 – Houston, TX
10/31 – New Orleans, LA
11/01- Memphis, TN
11/05 – Los Angeles, CA
11/06 – Las Vegas, NV
11/07 – Oakland, CA
11/12 – Indianapolis, IN
11/14 – Detroit, MI
11/15 – Milwaukee, WI
11/17 – Chicago, IL
11/20 – Louisville, KY
11/21 – Charlotte, NC
11/22 – Greensboro, NC
11/24 – Washington, DC
11/27 – Jacksonville, FL
11/28 – Miami, FL
11/29 – Tampa, FL
12/04 – Norfolk VA
12/05 – Richmond, VA
12/06 – Cleveland, OH
12/08 – St. Louis, MO

The answer is easy – nobody cares.

The ’90′s crooner had it going on for years!  The infamous “Bump & Grind”, the Space Jam pop hit “I Believe I Can Fly”, and his brutally detailed opera “Trapped In The Closet” were all substantial hits.  His child pornography charge gave him as much recognition as Michael Jackson or OJ Simpson.

All the while, Kelly sits in the dim light of an attempt at sequential concept albums with only the concept of wooing women into his “after party.”  Forever will I respect those with choir vocals and physique I could only dream of having, and forever will I agree that bad publicity is still publicity.  Unfortunately, R. Kelly has moved forward from publicity icon to paparazzi gimmick.

Hell, if Simpson can move on can’t you?  Wait, that was too soon.

12 Play: Fourth Quarter is supposedly the finale of four albums, the others including 12 Play, TP-2.Com, and TP-3: Reloaded.  Did no one explain to him the nature of crappy sequels? Apparently not.

One can speculate all day about innocence or guilt in his court case, and one can certainly question the intent of a man who uses “Ignition” sex metaphors as the basis for a club hit during the process of said case.  The fact of the matter is he has become old news both artistically and personally.  Everyone saw this coming as soon as he opted to write “Gotham City” for the Batman & Robin soundtrack, but we all turned a blind eye because – well, he’s R. Kelly.

I won’t sit here and continue bashing him, even though he sadly deserves it, because that’s not why we’re here. 12 Play: Fourth Quarter is a CD worth at least the attention of a critic, so we’ll give it that much.

Let us state the facts, shall we?  “Wanna Make A Baby” is a straightforward R&B song with tales of romance and really hot sex, while “Hair Braider” can be considered truly respectable with lines like “thick, tight braids, got ‘em lookin’ like spaghetti.”

What could possibly go wrong here?  Second single “Skin” is (wait for it) a straightforward R&B song with tales of romance and really hot sex that also happens to reference our very talented favorite Soulja Boy, while “Screamer” is a…

…you get the point.

The only really good song on this entire record ends up being “Go Low”, except for the fact that this “low” club hit idea was already done about 10 times before in this same decade.  Add that to a singer who has traded his one single talent of vocals for an auto-tune and you have yourself a pure vanity recording; no doubt R. Kelly has reached the end of his rope.

But don’t hate, Kelly – no such thing as bad publicity and you should never forget that.  Now, go cry into your tissues and we’ll catch you on the flip side of your two-ply (I mean twelve play).