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Break Yo’ TV: Lady Gaga & Beyonce – “Telephone”

on March 25, 2010, 5:49pm

Now look. I’m a big fan of the Jiggaman. I’m a fan of his high-profile relationship with Beyonce. You might even say that I’m a fan of Beyonce through Jay-Z. And much to my pleasure, her character in the short film/music video “Telephone” is maybe the only redeeming thing about this complete train wreck. Also, props to the director of the video for giving it a Tarantino vibe and bringing back the infamous “P***y Wagon” from Kill Bill: Volume 1. But other than those two factors, if there was ever to be a video that didn’t need to be nine minutes long, it would be this one.

As I look at the faux-career, the deliberately shocking on-stage antics, and the utter absurdity in costume choice that is Lady Gaga, I can only muster contempt. She, to me, is the apotheosis of image before music. And her video for “Telephone” is no exception whatsoever.

This video is the epitome of sexuality over music. What this song lacks in music (and it certainly lacks in music), it blatantly tries to make up for in sex appeal. It lacks any form of subtlety in this regard. The copious amounts of cleavage, G-strings, and skimpy costumes made out of objects such as cigarettes, caution tape, and steel chains made it exceedingly hard to even focus on what was happening musically. But then again, maybe that was for the best.

Let me share with you the first verse of the song so you can get an idea of the absolute artlessness of Lady Gaga:

“Hello hello baby you called
I can’t hear a thing
I have got no service
In the club, you say? say?
Wha-wha-what did you say huh?
You’re breakin’ up on me
Sorry I cannot hear you
I’m kinda busy
K-kinda busy
K-kinda busy
Sorry I cannot hear you I’m kinda busy”

And it goes on from there to say basically the same thing three more times: I’m in the club, so I can’t answer my phone right now, please don’t call right now. Gaga takes the longest possible route to say something so simple and so feeble minded. Her egregious antics are completely wasted on me, and I feel sorry for all those who are so easily deceived by the clever marketing and exploitation of sex in lieu of musical ability.

In one big way, I’m incredibly jealous of those who get to attend Lollapalooza with the recent additions of unreal headliners The Strokes and Arcade Fire. But at the same time I pity you because this horrid wretch of an attention grabber will be at Grant Park, which means that you all stand in dire danger of catching genital herpes by simply being within 500 yards of her (linked just to help you know what to do once you’ve caught it). Anyway, I’ve made my feelings clear: Lady Gaga embodies the very thing that I hate about modern pop music. It hinges mostly on image and less on musical ability. She is the worst thing to happen to music in recent years. I just can’t tell you how glad I am that Kanye backed out of their joint tour, for I’m certain it would have been a career disaster. I’ll get off my soapbox and let you all see this nine-minute disaster for yourselves.

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