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15 Memoirs Inspired By Beyoncé’s Dangerously in Love

on June 24, 2014, 11:00am
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By RK Arceneaux

I get my “Jew nose” from my dad. My mom burned all of the photos of him so I have no idea what he looks like but my uncle says like Bob Saget and now when I watch Full House things get weird. Me and my sisters always begged my mom to take us to the grocery store with her but she never would because we asked for too much shit and once a lady in Claire’s saw her pinch my arm until I cried and threatened to report her to DCFS. My mom went to the Brickyard Jewel without us and came home in a really good mood because she ran into my dad. My uncles were with her and they held him down as she kicked him in the face with her leather platform Candie’s boots.

My sister does not have a Jew nose. She has a regular nose and everyone in my family likes her better. She is more conventionally prettier but she is an “n-lover.” She asked for a pair of Phat Farm sneakers for her birthday and even though there are only two black kids in our whole school, Alphonso and Rosemary, she was friends with both of them. She also tells everyone she wants to be a wrestler for WWE, but not the sexy stripper kind with huge fake tits. She is going to be Chris Benoit so my mom says she’s going to end up a “fucking dyke.”

Beating my dad’s face in cheered her up a lot and that week we got a Columbia House mailer (get 15 CDs for the price of 1!). She filled out several vouchers using our names and let us pick one CD. My sister desperately wanted the new Beyoncé but my mom was afraid of encouraging her blackness and Bey is scantily clad on the cover so it could make her more gay, but we got our albums and just two months ago my sister went in to buy her first car and the credit guy told her she has a delinquent charge for Columbia House from 11 years ago which is pretty shitty because all my mom had to do was call and say we were underage and they would’ve erased the debt. But it was totally fucking worth it even though we always skipped over deep cuts like “Daddy”.

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