Ah, summer. A time of sun, heat, LFO, and the timeless, alluring pull of an air-conditioned movie theater. And yeah, times are changing. The food is better and more expensive. The theaters got rid of all the arcades, and half of them sell beer now. The screens are bigger, louder, filled with fewer movies that cost more and more money with each passing year. As you’re about to realize if you haven’t already, there are an exceptionally large number of sequels, reboots, and franchise offerings even by summer standards.
But let’s be honest. It’s still exciting. The communal experience of getting together to watch a hyped mega-budget film is something universally fun, no matter how questionable the quality of the films. Even if some of them might read really questionable at times. And the sheer law of averages suggests that there’ll be at least a few big-ticket items that transcend the hype, surprise, or at least deliver a healthy dose of excess in just the right way. The endless discussion of the relative merits of well-made, branded spectacle can be spared for another time. Right now, we’ll choose to be excited.
But this isn’t just any summer movie season, folks. Twenty years after Randy Quaid died to protect the planet from extraterrestrial evils, one of 2016’s more anticipated offerings is delivering what the people have been waiting for. Sure, Marvel and DC and some of Hollywood’s other heaviest hitters lie in wait, but Independence Day: Resurgence sees the return of one of America’s preferred cult heroes to the limelight: one Jeff Goldblum.
So when it came time to decide on a rating metric for our annual summer film preview, to convey what we’re most excited about and what we’re … less excited about, only one scientifically recognized unit of measurement felt appropriate: the Goldblum. Without any further preamble, let us walk you through 35 of the summer’s most high-profile releases. Here’s hoping your summer at the movies rates five Goldblums, folks.