Getting to hang out with a major rock band comes with plenty of perks. The access to swanky hotels, fancy restaurants, and of course all that free swag is just part and parcel with being a part of a musician’s entourage. For a member of Alice in Chains’ team, though, there’s an extra fringe benefit exclusively for his rear: Jerry Cantrell’s personal toilet.
Yes, the band’s official blogger, who operates the Backstage with The Baldy Tumblr, has been given the opportunity to rest his buns on the same porcelain throne as Alice in Chains’ lead guitarist. In a recent post, The Baldy wrote that Cantrell was in the process of replacing his toilet, and he offered to give the blogger his old one.
“… It turns out that there are a wide variety of toilets out there, and much to my surprise, there’s actually a massive price disparity between your average toilet and the really upscale models,” wrote The Baldy. “So Jerry is offering to give me a really nice toilet because he’s replacing it with a REALLY nice toilet.”
He’s not sure he’s going to take Cantrell up on the assets transfer (though he obviously should), but that’s not entirely the point of the post, either. The Baldy uses the john as an example of the band member’s charitable natures. Read the complete entry — which is a bit humble-braggy in its attempts to not be humble-braggy — below.
“Jerry Cantrell offered to give me his toilet.
Writing sentences like that is exactly why I love my job so much.
On a related note, do you know what else I love about my job?
I’m writing this from the Concierge Lounge on the 24th floor of the Ritz Carlton hotel.
What’s the concierge lounge?
It’s like the VIP section of an already exclusive club.
And let’s not kid ourselves.
I don’t belong here.
But when you swim in the wake of a famous rock band, you get to take advantage of the perks from time to time.
So, free breakfast in a swanky room on the top floor of a five star hotel with an overly accommodating staff member basically tripping over himself to get me more orange juice? Yes, please.
But what about the toilet?
It’s about as simple as it sounds, actually.
Jerry is having the toilet in his home replaced and asked if I wanted the old one.
I’ve done a lot of things in my life, but researching toilets isn’t one of them.
Well, it turns out that there are a wide variety of toilets out there, and much to my surprise, there’s actually a massive price disparity between your average toilet and the really upscale models.
So Jerry is offering to give me a really nice toilet because he’s replacing it with a REALLY nice toilet.
I’m not so sure that once the ham hits the seat that my butt cheeks are discerning enough to know the difference between a regular and fancy toilet though, so I don’t know if I’ll take him up on his offer.
But I’m getting way off track here.
The toilet offer is a small example of a much bigger picture.
You read from time to time about famous people doing nice things behind the scenes.
Well, I’m behind the scenes, and I can tell you that the members of Alice In Chains, both collectively and individually, do nice things for people all of the time.
I’m actually pretty impressed by what these guys have done over the years.
They’ve helped a lot of people and a lot of causes in a lot of different ways, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that some of what they’ve done may have even helped save a life or two.
I have tremendous respect & admiration for the way these guys live their lives, and how they pay forward their good fortune.
I would imagine that they consider the ability to help other people to be one of the perks of their job.
So whether it’s in the form of a free toilet, or just the feeling you get from doing something nice for someone else, a perk is a wonderful thing.
Somehow, I managed to correlate and weave a story about a toilet into an exposé on the benevolent nature of the members of Alice In Chains.
And after 10 years of writing about the band, I also managed to finally work my butt cheeks into things.
Excuse me while I go prepare my Pulitzer acceptance speech…”