Bruce Springsteen is a man of many things, but a comedian he is not. Nevertheless, each year at the Stand Up For Heroes Benefit, the New Jersey rocker tries his hand at stand-up comedy. This year’s event took place Tuesday night at the Theater at Madison Square Garden, with Springsteen appearing alongside fellow heavy-hitters like Jon Stewart, Jerry Seinfeld, and Louis C.K. For his part, Springsteen was booked to play a brief 15-minute acoustic set. However, between performances of “Long Walk Home” and “Dancing in the Dark”, he once again felt compelled to crack a few jokes of his own. We’re talking the type of X-rated, borderline offensive jokes your dad tries out at the Thanksgiving table after having a few too many Coronas.
Per Rolling Stone:
Joke one: “So there’s this 80-year-old couple. They’re in an alley up against the fence and they’re screwing like crazy. I mean, arms are flying, legs are flying, and they’re screwing and screwing and screwing. They just fall down from exhaustion and the wife says, ‘You didn’t screw me like that 50 years ago!’ The man says, ’50 years ago that fence wasn’t electrified.'”
Joke two: “An old man is in the gym. This great-looking gal comes in, a young gal. He says to his trainer, ‘Quick, quick, quick, which one of these machines should I be on to get this girl’s attention?’ He goes, ‘Well, if I were you, it would be the ATM.'”
Joke three: “Three guys are going skiing. They forget to make the reservation and get up to the ski lodge. The person behind the desk says, ‘Look, all we got is a small room with a single bed.’ ‘No problem, we’ll take it, we’ll take it.’ They throw their bags in and they all hop into one single bed, one, two, three. They sleep and the next morning they wake up. Guy on one side says, ‘Wow, I had a dream last night I was getting a hand job.’ The other on the other side says, ‘You’re kidding me. I had a dream last night I was getting a hand job.’ The guy in the middle goes, ‘I had a dream last night I was skiing.'” (He then simulated the act of skiing down a mountain, which looked a lot like giving two simultaneous hand jobs.)
It goes without saying but don’t quit your day job, Bruce.
Update: You can watch video of Springsteen’s set below. Scroll to the 3:10 mark, 8:30 mark and 13:00 mark to hear his jokes.