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Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

on January 31, 2017, 12:01am

Hello, little lovebugs. Exciting episode ahead. Soon we’ll be joining The Bachelor down in The Big Easy, which is coincidentally what Nick wished his nickname had been in college. But first, let’s pick up where we left off last week.

Taylor and Corinne were in the middle of passive aggressively dissing each other by a roaring fire. But now, things are escalating. Corinne accuses Taylor of <gasp!> Not Being Here For the Right Reasons™ and not giving personalized greetings to every contestant when she enters a room. WTF?

It’s important to leave a trail of destruction on this show, so Corinne decides to have a private convo with Nick and accuse Taylor of making the other women “feel weird.” BUT WAIT … Nick thinks she’s telling the truth and praises her for “showing maturity.” Jeez Louise, we all know how this is going to end up.

im the queen Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

KISS FROM A ROSE

This is one of the strangest setups to a rose ceremony I’ve ever seen, though, admittedly, I had forgotten that our group is currently hanging out in Milwaukee, not Los Angeles. The women are shivering, some are wearing coats over their evening gowns, and we’re experiencing visible winter breath on par with The Social Network.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the coldest one of all?

mirrror Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

Danielle L., Kristina, and Raven are already safe from last week. Who’s getting a rose tonight? Why, it’s Whitney, Danielle M., Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, and Taylor. Which means that Sarah and Astrid need to take a moment and say their goodbyes.

Josephine, I’m as surprised by this outcome as you are:

surprised Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

THE PLAY BY PLAY

bachelor feat Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

The mood in the house is a bit grim, so it’s on Nick to deliver some good news about their next travel stop. “I’m pretty jazzed about this next place,” he tells the women. Don’t worry, Nick. I caught your wordplay even if none of the contestants did.

We pick up in New Orleans, and Nick lets us know that things are getting real with another classic Bachelor phrase: “I couldn’t imagine a more perfect place to fall in love.” Back in a control room at ABC Studios, the show’s producers squeal with delight.

We may be watching a lighthearted shopping montage, but Alexis knows that the Corinne-Taylor feud could explode at any moment, and it’s important to stay vigilant.

winter is coming Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

Chris Harrison greets the women at their hotel with big news: This week, there will be a one-on-one date, a group date, and THE INFAMOUS TWO-ON-ONE DATE.

For those of you unfamiliar with The Bachelor’s two-on-one date format, here’s all I will tell you for now. The best ones end with someone stranded in, on, or around a large geological formation. So hold tight; you’re in for a treat.

The first New Orleans date card reads as follows: “Where have you beignet all my life?” Rachel’s up! There will be pastries!

Nick and Rachel meet up to stroll through the French Market, dine on oysters, and make out in public. Oh, and dance through the street with parasols!

nola Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

The date could not have gone better; Nick and Rachel seem pretty smitten with each other. They are so adorable that I am even willing to forgive Nick for incorrectly using the word “cheers” as a verb, rather than “toast.” (“I want to cheers to an amazing day.”) Nick admits he’s starting to think about meeting the remaining contestants’ families (what he means by this is that he wants to meet Rachel’s family), and the fear of having to ask yet another father for his daughter’s hand in marriage is real. He lays it all out on the line: “I want you to know that I’m putting the effort into this relationship because it means a lot to me.” And with that, Rachel maintains her front-runner status!

rose nick Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

Group date time: Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L. are headed to Houmas House. It looks beautiful but hides a dark secret … IT’S HAUNTED! Boo, the house’s caretaker-slash-bartender, takes us on a tour in search of a little ghost girl.

wtf Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

In the heat of some intense Ouija board action, Boo secretly messes with the lights in the mansion to freak everyone out. The special effects leave something to be desired…

levels Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

The group date rose goes to Danielle M., despite the fact that Raven confessed to Nick that she had fallen in love with him! Ouch.

candles Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

And now, it’s time for the showdown of the century.

letter Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

Though the real star of the date is the boat captain…

boat Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

In her asides to the camera, Taylor seems confident that her postgraduate education, levelheadedness, and maturity are enough to keep her from going home this week. Oh, Taylor, you must remember that the heart wants what it wants. Especially when the heart is male genitalia.

interview Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

Nick takes the women to meet a voodoo priestess and a tarot card reader, with the goal of bringing some clarity to his situation. While Taylor is in the middle of her reading, Corinne goes for the kill — telling Nick that Taylor “emotionally attacked” her and conveniently leaving out the part about her own toxic behavior. By the time Nick and Taylor have their own private conversation, the damage is already done.

corinne again Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

The date rose, of course, goes to Corinne. Taylor sits at the table alone in disbelief. Her mind races and her head spins, playing back every conversation she had with Nick, with Corinne, and with the show’s producers. A career in mental health counseling no longer seems relevant. She will remain in the swamp, living among the alligators…

watching Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

…until night falls, and then things change.

ceremony Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

Taylor is back to speak her mind. And we’ll find out what she says, next week.

oops Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

COMING UP

<Gulp.>

smile Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

Heather Kaplan is a copywriter by day and a photographer by night. She tweets, infrequently.

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