Freddy Got Fingered
2001: a simpler time, when a pedophilia joke was allowed by 20th Century Fox as the title of what has to be one of the weirdest, most inexplicable things ever turned out by a major film studio.
You probably know by now that Gigli is a pretty bad movie, and that its title is pronounced “gee-ly,” rather than the way you probably thought. But did you know that Martin Brest hasn’t made a movie since? Poor dude. Celebrity culture would claim far more careers in the years to come, but he remains an archetypal example.
We’ll bang the drum that John Carter is, at the least, a better film than its reputation would suggest. It’s a scattershot piece of fantasy sci-fi, to be sure, but it’s quite a bit of fun once you get past the labored exposition, and at least one member of the CoS staff has been known to own a 10-foot vinyl theatrical banner from the film’s release. But in Disney’s effort to make a movie about a Civil War-era warrior’s journey across the alien plains of Mars a little less geeky to audiences, they gave it what has to be one of the most flaccid movie titles ever offered for such a big release.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
It’s bad enough that mid-aughts pop culture turned a beloved troupe of singing, family-friendly rodents into attitudinal creatures who we can only imagine get biz-zay, consistently and thoroughly. It’s worse that the second installment of what’s somehow become a four-film (and counting!) family franchise boasts one of the all-time egregious puns in movie history.
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
There’s little to say on the subject of Death Bed that Patton Oswalt didn’t already touch on, but we hope to one day live in a better world where all trashy horror movies are this forthcoming about what lies within.
fear dot com
This is about the titles, not the posters, but come on. Two taglines, equally halfhearted, for one movie? And they couldn’t even hit us with a “Welcome to the Bill Gates of hell” or “Better lock all of your Windows” or “If you want to stay alive, follow these MS-DOS and don’ts”? We can do this all day.
Also, that domain would’ve been snapped up long before this movie came out. Just saying.
Okay, we get what the intentions are here, but this just can’t help but sound like something a drunk, horny man would slur at the aquarium.
Fun fact: as legend goes, Zyzzyx Road is the lowest-grossing film with a known theatrical release and gross; most sites list its total haul at $30. Nope, there’s not supposed to be a qualifier after that. Internet points to anyone who can actually work out how to pronounce this.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’hoole
In which Zack Snyder said to Warner Bros., “what if The Lord of the Rings, but with owls?” and was given a ton of money to pursue that idea. It’s hard enough to take warrior owls seriously without them coming from a land that sounds like a noise Goofy makes.
2 Fast, 2 Furious
The only title on this list that manages to confirm both the speed and fury of the movie within, 2 Fast 2 Furious is one of the great bad movie titles, and yet, we’re convinced that Universal knew what they were doing all along. They just made a couple of boring movies in the middle there to throw us all off the scent so that Fast Five could hit us with the blindside jump in quality.