Welcome, Viallphiles. As you may recall, we’re in Finland and the sexual tension is mounting. Our last episode ended with a beturtlenecked Nick getting ready to traverse Raven’s fjord…
So, how’d everything go?
It’s a better story to imagine that Nick gave Raven her first-ever orgasm, so the producers attempt to trick us by making the poor girl skip through the streets, hugging dogs, and making snow angels with a smile on her face. Sorry ABC, I am not buying it!
Let’s move on. Rachel’s up next. She and Nick cross-country ski over to a reindeer farm, and it’s time for real talk next to a roaring fire. Rachel admits to Nick how strong her feelings are, but her biggest fear is being rejected. Option No. 1: Guard your heart. Option No. 2: Lay it all on the line. There is no in between!
Nick reciprocates with as much reassurance as he’s contractually allowed to divulge; it’s enough to comfort Rachel for the time being.
“You’re rare and refreshing … that’s not normal.”
“I might be white, but I’m still a minority.”
^^^ ACTUAL QUOTES! ^^^
They travel via reindeer-drawn sled to the evening portion of the date. The conversation flows easily, and Rachel finally lets her guard down.
“Rachel, I am falling for you 100%” replies Nick. And with that, the Fantasy Suite key magically appears so that the happy couple may celebrate their feelings with a night of Baltic boning. The next morning, Nick makes breakfast while Rachel relaxes in an amazing penguin pajama onesie. What more could anyone ask for, really?
Well, we still have one more contestant to check on. Hello, Vanessa! It’s our final Finnish date, which means no more pom pom hats after tonight 🙁
The pair will be plunging into a cold pool, sprinting back to a cabin to warm up by the fire, and repeating this process over and over until they’re tuckered out. Classic spa day.
The drastic changes in temperature appear to be screwing with the emotions of our Bachelor and bachelorette. Nick says that Vanessa has a very “traditional family,” and she gets a bit defensive. She says that for a relationship to work, partners need to be aware of each others’ core values. And she doesn’t see herself compromising or sacrificing the parts of her life that are most meaningful, just for the sake of a boyfriend. Meaning, Vanessa will be in Montreal eating lunch with her family every Sunday ’til the end of time, whether or not Nick is there to join her.
Nick is worried that they might be too similar (read: stubborn) to last for the long haul. Vanessa is worried that her impulsiveness and hardheadedness could be difficult to handle. For now, though, it’s not a dealbreaker. Time to bring all of that passion and intensity to the Fantasy Suite!
KISS FROM A ROSE
This is the most important rose ceremony to date. All three of the women love Nick, they see him as a partner for life, and they are scared out of their minds knowing that he could potentially not be on the same page. Nick holds back tears as he tells the women how much he cares about each of them, even though he has to let someone go.
Raven gets the first rose and Vanessa the second. And so we we must say goodbye to Rachel.
It’s hard to be sad about this, because I’m mostly just excited that Rachel is the next Bachelorette. Mark your calendars for the May 22nd premiere!
As I type this, ABC is airing a two-hour “The Women Tell All” episode. It is here that I draw the line, and I simply refuse to recap that monstrosity in full. But, I’m still going to watch it. If anything important happens, I’ll make sure this article is updated for you. Now go enjoy the rest of the week. The finale will be here before you know it!
Heather Kaplan is a copywriter by day and a photographer by night. She tweets, infrequently.