Universally reviled shithead Martin Shkreli just can’t help himself. Whether it’s raising the price of a life-saving AIDS drug by 5000%, defrauding investors out of millions or purchasing and then tauntingly hording a one-of-a-kind Wu-Tang Clan album, Shkreli is a blight upon the world and his existence is an affront to decent society. Martin the pharmadouche added another clown move to repertoire this week, as while he is awaiting sentencing on a fraud conviction, a judge revoked Shkreli’s bail after he offered his Facebook followers $5,000 to grab a strand of Hillary Clinton’s hair during her current book tour.
No matter how often the world shows Shkreli we find him detestable—by say, pelting him in the face with dog shit, or by telling a judge you can’t be on a jury because the mere sight of him disgusts you, or offering massive sums of money for the right to punch him in his stupid fucking face—Shkreli persists. In a letter to the court, the clown prince of assholes apologized to U.S. District Judge Kiyo Matsumoto, who responded, “He does not need to apologize to me. He should have apologized to the government, the Secret Service, and Hillary Clinton.”
Not helping Shkreli’s case was the fact that he’s also made similar inappropriate comments about female journalists in what lead prosecutor Jacquelyn Kasulis called an “escalating pattern of violence against women that is incredibly disturbing… He is not special by any stretch of the imagination,” Kasulis continued in the understatement of the year, “He should be incarcerated because he is a felon.”
Although Shkreli wrote a very apologetic letter to the judge, he also went to Facebook to write, “Lol Hillary Clinton’s presumptive agents are hard at work. It was just a prank, bro! But still, lock HER up. Spend your resources investigating her, not me!!,” and did so on the day he returned to court for his bail hearing (yes really), reiterating his terribleness and demonstrating a lack of understanding of the word “presumptive”. Unsurprisingly, Shkreli the Shrimp Dick is a big fan of Donald Trump, and his lawyers evoked Don the Orange and Terrible while attempting to justify Martin’s actions, reminding the judge of Trump’s jaw-dropping campaign speech in which he suggested that maybe “Second Amendment people” could do something about Clinton.
Trump got away with that because America, but Judge Matsumoto wisely ruled that “This is a solicitation of assault. That is not protected by the First Amendment” when revoking the $5 million bail. Shkreli will now remain in custody until his sentencing in the fall, and I for one am hoping with all my being that he receives the maximum 20-year sentence, and that his new roommates are big Wu-Tang fans eager to remind him that “the Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.”