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A Padawan’s Guide to Star Wars Porn Adaptations

on December 12, 2017, 12:00pm
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This feature originally ran in December 2015. It’s blasting off again in anticipation of Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

Nothing But Star Wars 2A long time ago, we were just stargazing kids, worshiping our letterbox collection of George Lucas’ original Star Wars trilogy. Years later, the Force is strong with us once again as we do the Imperial March towards Rian Johnson’s Star Wars: The Last JediTo celebrate, we’re spending the week talking about Nothing but Star Wars! with a rogue squadron of features, essays, and stories. Our Star Wars week arguably climaxes early with our Padawan’s Guide to Star Wars Porn Adaptations … Hey, it’s not like we filmed it ourselves. Stop judging.

It seems like just about anything can get a porn parody these days. A cursory Google search reveals adult knock-offs of Breaking Bad, American Dad!, and even Mythbusters. As the 34th rule of the internet dictates, “If it exists, there is porn of it.”

So, yeah, anything can get a porn parody. But can you get two? Three? Five? That’s when you’ll know you’ve truly made it. And judging by the sheer amount of Star Wars porn parodies out there, George Lucas can finally rest assured that he’s made an impact. In anticipation of Star Wars: The Last Jedi (and its eventual porn parody), we at CoS have decided to comb the dark corners of the internet for the best, worst, and weirdest Star Wars live-action smut. Yes, that’s live-action smut, for were we to delve into the animated stuff we’d … well, we’d simply never be the same.

To go about doing this, we set the rule that it had to be a proper, full-length production. None of this skit business, or we’d be here all day. We also broke down categories of analysis, as follows:

A Striking Resemblance: How much does it look like any of the Star Wars movies, new or old or both?

Who Meets During the Journey? Which characters are led together by fate to enjoy one another’s company?

A Long, Long Time Ago: How does the film hold up today?

Does the Force Awaken? Is there anything in this film that may actually be appealing to one end or another for most human beings?

Now, let’s set off for the not-so-distant past.

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