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A Padawan’s Guide to Star Wars Porn Adaptations

on December 12, 2017, 12:00pm
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Porn Wars Episode 1 (2006)

Porn wars[Editor’s Note: Because younglings may be reading, we can only show about 16% of this film’s poster. If you look closely, though, you can just make out a lightsaber.]

A Striking Resemblance: Only in the loosest possible sense. There are what appear to be Jedi, who in the film’s mostly silent early sequence are in training with the most cutting-edge “I have to take this After Effects class for my film degree and I’m really not great at this part of filmmaking but my final’s due so here’s this” special effects imaginable. The figure that’s ostensibly Darth Vader if you sort of relax your eyes and tilt your head like one of those depth perception puzzles is disappointing, though, in its Power Rangers stylistic choices and general lack of presence in the dark suit.

Credit where credit’s due, though: In order to maintain the illusion or just to get down to business, most of the films in this article tend to focus on the interpersonal melodramas of the series instead of the balletic space dogfights, but Porn Wars Episode 1 actually focuses most of its effects budget and interstitial time in that area.

Who Meets During the Journey?: The film is really more of a meditation on the larger Star Wars theme and its instant recognition in the general populace’s imaginations than a straight adaptation. This seems like as good a time as any to also hit on the point that all these mating Jedi (or Jodi, here) would really be in breach of the knighthood’s standards and practices as well.

Having said that, a cursory glance at the film’s IMDB page also offers some of the more innovatively outlandish character re-namings in the pantheon of research done. A favorite: Croonly Sertsome.

A Long, Long Time Ago: 2006 would situate this film just after Revenge of the Sith, which makes sense; the art direction and general overall color palette on hand, whether on land or in space, is more reflective of George Lucas’ later-era penchant for sand beiges. Overall, it’s aesthetically keeping with the general Skinemax material of the time, no better and maybe just a tad worse.

Does the Force Awaken?: The disappointing thing is that not even in the adult film world can you get away from this interpretation of the Star Wars saga being part of a long-running franchise, as this film is. At times it’s difficult to consider just how long the arm of exploitation has grown from its humble but long-envisioned beginnings. So many adulthoods spent, chasing that childlike sense of wonder once found in the original films, even to more brazen places.

Also, this is pretty corny overall.

Dominick Suzanne-Mayer

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