Photo by Philip Cosores
Coachella just shared its 2018 lineup and, like moths to the flame, the douchebags have commenced their long, sweaty pilgrimage to Indio. Take this “electronic music producer,” who, through “a high level industry friend,” has procured artist passes for the festival and is looking for “two beautiful women” to bring along. It’s cool, though, because he’s “not some creepy dude that’s going to lurch on you.” You just have to promise to literally never leave his side throughout the duration of the festival.
This request comes in the form a Craigslist ad, and it’s a mess from the very beginning. “I hate to sound like a douchebag,” he begins, “but my brand of music is going to change mainstream electronic music forever.” Oy.
He goes on to outline the “rules” for any women interested. These include a distaste for Diplo, an age range of 21 to 24, and a “one-paragraph review” of one of his songs. “Even if somehow you think it sucks (I promise it won’t), I want you to be able to talk about my music when we’re around industry people,” he writes. “It probably will sound better coming from two beautiful women than from one socially awkward dude.”
Applicants are required to send “recent” photos that will then be judged by this guy’s “two best male friends,” whose judgement he trusts “because of the amount of deep V-necks they possess, and they live in Santa Monica.” No amount of jokes can polish this thing, my dude, especially when it’s couched in a paragraph about creeps ogling your photos.
Really, though, there’s just a real whiff of sadness about this thing. One of his rules is that “if you get invited to any afterparties, you must insist to those offering the invites that I come with you.”
Read the full post below and, if you’re a beautiful woman, trust that you’re better off buying a ticket.
I’m a electronic music producer and have been working on making connections in the industry as I get set to release my first music. I hate to sound like a douchebag but my brand of music is going to change mainstream electronic music forever. The Coachella 2018 lineup just dropped and if you thought you’d never be able to do it all access, this is the offer for you!
Through a high level industry friend, I’ve obtained access to artist passes for Coachella and am looking for two beautiful women to accompany me to the festival. While I will be there to take in a lot of the shows, I’m also going to be there to network with people in the industry. I don’t know how else to say this, but I’m socially awkward and think that having two gorgeous women with me to help break the ice with some of these people will make it easier for me.
1) You must have some interest and knowledge of the electronic music space. Don’t apply if you like Diplo. In fact if you see Diplo, I’d ask that you treat him like a tool.
2) Be between the age of 21-24.
3) Please send photos of you and your friend to this e-mail address. I am not interested in any romantic encounters with you, I promise. I’m not some creepy dude that’s going to lurch on you, in fact you and your friend can share a room in the hotel I book mine at. I will have my two best male friends make a decision on who the best candidates are. I trust their judgment because of the amount of deep V-necks they possess, and they live in Santa Monica. Photos must be recent.
4) You must be willing to accompany me for the duration of the festival. At some points, there might be some bummers where you don’t get to see acts that you were really excited about. I will try my best to at least let you see your favorites. I myself will be watching a lot of the acts on the festival. These are who I am most excited for: Beyonce, ODESZA, Miguel, Illenium, Jamie Jones, Alison Wonderland, REZZ, Deorro, Soulwax, Jean-Michel Jarre, Alan Walker, Maceo Plex, and X Japan.
5) I will send you one of the demos of a song I’m releasing this year. I want you to give me your thoughts in a one-paragraph review of the track. Even if somehow you think it sucks (I promise it won’t), I want you to be able to talk about my music when we’re around industry people. It probably will sound better coming from two beautiful women than from one socially awkward dude.
6) If you get invited to any afterparties, you must insist to those offering the invites that I come with you.
7) I smoke a lot of weed, you need to be OK with that.
Look forward to hearing from you!